Moving On: Day 42

Weeeell, today has been a mixed sorta day. I woke up feeling very exhausted and tired and emotional.

I went to my, “ever joyous” job centre appointment, shaw trust appointment and then my doctors appointment.

I love my doctor, I’ve been through several in my surgery before I found one that took me seriously, especially regarding my insomnia. But today, I felt a little annoyed. She said some people just naturally have negative personalities where they’re not constantly bouncing off the walls and do see things negatively, like Victor Meldrew. Except V.M isn’t depressed because he keeps himself busy throughout the day doing things he enjoys. He is just grumpy. But with you don’t keep yourself busy, you do things to distract you from your mood once you are low, rather than planning little treats throughout the day to stop you getting low. It made sense, and I will try to do that. What annoyed me was the way she said it, and the way I interpreted what she said seemed like she meant “you just need to pull yourself together”. I just came out of the doctors feeling a little like I was an item on a conveyer belt going in, then out then the next person. It didn’t feel as “personal” as normal if you get me, more of I’m just a job to her. I know I am just that, and I’m not sure I’m making sense but yeah. Maybe it was just me feeling emotional and exhausted, who knows.

I then came out of the doctors and saw my bus turn the corner. I had missed it. So I looked around questioning what to do. I can’t walk home because yesterday, at Alton Towers, I flared up an old ankle injury and walking hurts at the moment. I saw the pub, I don’t have any money but I know this pub are always after staff around Christmas, and from my appointment at shaw trust, I had a bunch of speculative letters and CVs in my bag, so I handed on in.

I went to wait for the next bus, the the pub manager rung me to invite me to an interview tomorrow morning. So yay me! I hate bar work, I did 2 hours last year and never went back, but hopefully this will 1)be different and 2)they serve food so I hope to waitress more than serve alcohol.
So, fingers crossed.

Then I came home and watched some TV but was falling asleep so came to my bedroom and slept for a couple of hours. And the evening has just been watching more TV with my parents.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I went to all 3 appointments
2) I arranged a job interview for tomorrow
3) I had a chippy

Today’s score: 3/5

Doctors

Again, I had another sleepless night, lying awake thinking of ways I could kill myself.
Today, my Mum, Dad and brother went away, they’re away until Friday, and my Sister goes to college Mon – Wed and so I practically have the house to myself from 7am-6.30pm until Wed.

I was gonna spend it wisely, but today I haven’t done much. Just search for jobs, watch TV that kinda crap.
Then I started to get bored and down, and remembering last night, I rang the Doctors up to book an appointment for tomorrow morning to see about sleeping tablets or something. I have a phobia of speaking on the phone, and going the doctors so this was a huge thing for me. However, for an appointment tomorrow, I have to ring tomorrow morning at 8am! Meh! I have to brave ringing again tomorrow and I am not sure if I can go through with it again.

I’m such a wimp!