Give me a break

some of you may know C wrote an article for a magazine about me. For that article, I “had my say”. 

Apparently I have been faking any mental illness that I have. That none of it was true and I know that it shouldn’t bother me, that I shouldn’t have to prove anything to anyone but I have to. I don’t like being called a liar when I’m not. 

I’ve struggled with mental health since I was 13 and being told that I’m making it all up hurts. 

So, here is a paragraph from a doctors report that I had done last year. 

Before the court case, I had never heard of Munchausen Syndrome. When this was said, I told my solicitor that I didn’t want it given to the court. It would have probably helped out. The doctors report was not, like C has been saying, dismissed by police or the judge or anyone. I refused to use it. I felt like I should get what I deserve and I felt like I didn’t want any of my mental illness to be used to get me out of trouble. That was MY CHOICE. I so wish I had used it now because then I’d have had proof of my mental illness and for that last 2 years, I would have not been called a liar, not been told that I am lying about self harm or anything else.
So here, have this and leave me alone!  

Light gives hope

Hi guys! 

Today has been a productive day. My sister went back to her boyfriend’s house at the weekend so my Hamster, Harley got to have is usual house back. (My sister hated him in the bedroom so he was in a small cage on the landing). So today has been spent getting my bedroom back to how I like it now that I don’t have to share it and taking photos of Harley enjoying his big cage.  

Tonight has been relaxing, me watching shows on Netflix, light dimmed and candles lit. 

I looked at one candle and decided that the way the wax was melting, to me, was pretty so I took a few photos until I had taken the perfect candle photo. If you have me on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram then you have probably already seen it. 

Just as I was admiring my ‘amazing’ photography skills, I remembered a quote – my favourite quote actually. I think the quote was originally said by someone else but I’m not sure. How I came across the quote is by watching Harry Potter. In the Prisoner of Azkaban, you are introduced to Dementors, a magical monster that drains all happiness from you, makes to world go icey cold, makes you feel as though you’ll never be happy again and makes you relive your most awful memories. The Dementors are JK Rowling’s metaphor for depression. I have often felt as if I have had Dementors following me constantly. 

I’m a massive Harry Potter fan and during one of my own ‘Dementor attacks’, I was watching Harry Potter and Dumbledore said,

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light”

This quote has never left me and has always helped me through difficult parts of my life. Because of that, I wanted to share you this edited photo of my candle. 

(PS I am usually rubbish at taking photos, this one makes me proud and happy) 

 

Insomnia Worries

For years I have had troubles with insomnia. The worst of it getting so bad to only be getting 1-2 hours sleep at night. 

Doctors never seem to give me any long term help. I get given 7-14 Zopiclone tablets, 1 to be take when needed. My last prescription was at the beginning of March for 7 tablets, supposed to last me 2 weeks as you’re not supposed to take one every night, they lasted me about 9 days. 

When I go through these huge insomniac spells, the only thing that ever works is those Zopiclone tablets and I become so desperate to sleep, I don’t follow those rules. They never usually last but 1 nights sleep followed by a sleepless night doesn’t sort me out. I need a good 7 days of decent sleep to rest my body and function properly. So that’s the reason I don’t follow the instructions.

So it’s been 2-3 weeks since I ran out of my 7 Zopiclone tablets. Then I had a couple of nights where I had decent sleep without them, then fell back into nights of tossing and turning, where no matter how or where you lie, you can’t get comfortable. I can’t even explain how frustrated I got, how each day the struggle to get out of bed became worse. 

For the last 5/6 nights, I’ve slept pretty well. Falling asleep is still tough but once I’m asleep, I’ve actually been in a deep sleep and slept for about 5/6 hours. My mood has slowly been getting better now that I’m sleeping better but there’s always a worry that ‘tonight I probably won’t sleep. This isn’t going to last for long’. 

I dread going to bed. I never know if I’m going to be falling asleep or if I’m going to lie for hours on end waiting for a decent time to say “it’s time to wake up”, an acceptable time to get up and dressed and start the day. 

I hope these last few nights last, I doubt they will but it’d be so nice. 

Moving On: Day 111

Well, today have been a depressed sort of day. I just felt really low and I wished I could stay in bed all day.

At around midday, I went downstairs to try and get out of this low mood but it didn’t help and I soon came back upstairs and got back into bed.

I didn’t really do much, I played games on my phone and spent most of the day scrolling through Facebook and Twitter.

I then randomly had a bit of a conversation with my friend, R but that didn’t particularly help either.

Also, me and B had a little conversation on Facebook about people’s views on mental health and how just because people can’t see it they either over sympathies or just don’t get it and things you have something contagious.
We also decided that we needed to take charge of things/places so that things would actually get done.

I then watched Hollyoaks and OMG this show has made me cry like all sorts of crazy over the last 2 days, also today I saw the Sainsburys Christmas advert and that made me cry!! Why does everything have to be so damn emotional???!!!

Now, I’m probably going to shove a film on and chill before going to sleep.

Tomorrow is my last day off work and I’m really not looking forward to Saturday – Tuesday.

I’ve sorted out my CV though and I shall look for something else in the meantime and hope to god that I find something fast because I hate this job.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I watched Hollyoaks
2) I ate custard creams
3) I listened to Taylor Swift

Today’s Score: 2/5

Moving On: Day 102

Trigger Warning loss/grief/suicide

Late last night or should I say early morning, I woke up and felt extremely low. I don’t know even know how to describe how I was feeling. I don’t think I was even low. I don’t think I even felt any kind of strong emotion. I just woke up and the voices had returned telling me that if I didn’t kill myself, bad things would happen. I have no idea where them thoughts sprouted from but they hit me hard. The thoughts of killing myself kept going through my mind; how I’d do it, when, would I just do it or leave a note??? All of these things were bugging me.
Somehow, I managed to fall asleep and I woke up at around 10:30am. Things then became emotional. The fact that this month is November hit me. November 28th 2013, I had a phone call and the words have never left my mind, “Hello Jade, it’s T Coral’s mum. It’s not good news I’m afraid. Coral died this morning”. That moment, my heart broke. Coral and I had been friends all our lives. Literally. When I was 1 and a half years, my mum and dad moved into the house we are in now. At the same time, Coral’s mum had moved in the same street and our parents became friends. I obviously don’t remember that far back, but I’m told that when our parents came round each other’s house, we would play together, coral, my sister and me. At 2 years old, we went to the same playgroup and then primary school. We went to different highschools and when she was 13, they moved across country – a 4 hour drive away. We still wrote letters to each other and phoned each other and when MSN became available we spoke pretty much every night. When Coral would come back to this town, she would usually stay at mine. She also came to our birthdays and on the year anniversary of her heart transplant we spent the day at Alton Towers.
At the end of October/ beginning of November last year Coral was telling me that she was really unwell, that she had conory artery disease and angina and that she could probably never have kids. I felt heart broken for her. All of my problems felt tiny compared to hers but I told myself “coral wasn’t meant to live. As a baby, her mum was told to take her home to die. She would get through this.” A few weeks later and I get that phone call.
So today, all of these memories flooded my head and I just felt lost. I really just wanted to Facebook her or call her, I want to be able to send a Christmas card soon. It bloody hurts a lot despite it being almost a year.

Anyways, after getting up, I took a walk, came home and had lunch and then went to bed. I’m still not well and the walk just exhausted me. I then cleaned up my room a little – picking things up, dusting and hoovering. Then I came downstairs and watched TV and patiently waited for my nan/grandad to come round with my stew. At a around 7pm, the stew arrived and I are it up.

I’ve since been sat playing games and watching TV.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I took a walk
2) I had my nan’s stew
3) I spoke to a friend

Today’s score: 1/5

Moving On: Day 101

Right so, I’ve decided that I can’t write this every night. It’s getting a bit samey but I also don’t think that I have fully been able to move on yet. I keep trying and trying then my thoughts that I try and keep locked up seem to appear and I have a massive moan on here or on Twitter. Some times it’s just my thoughts can’t keep locked up and hidden, other times something sets it off – like last night, I read old messages and the memories came flooding back.
So, I am going to give myself another 100 days of “Moving On” and this time, I am going to try harder. I am not going to hide thoughts anymore. That obviously doesn’t help.
I’ve obviously moved on a little because I’m able to go dad by day without checking on what C puts but I haven’t gone that far to where I can sit and watch TV or look on Facebook and read or see something that reminds me of her.
Today, I was FB messaging a friend and his sentence was “ok little one” as a joke because I’m small. He was just simply pretending to agree with something but C used to call me “little one” and BAM! There I was having a flashback of me sat on the bed crying down the phone to her and her calling it me. And there’s that dancing pony advert that reminds me of her ponies or if I see a shihtzu dog, I remember her dogs and I miss her and her little stories about them.
That is what I want to go away. I want to move on to be able to see those things on not think about her and not get upset about losing her.
I still forgive her, I get angry and upset but I still forgive her. I understand a lot of the reasons she wants to hurt me – if I was her I would want to hurt me but my understanding of why has enabled me to forgive her.
So, bring on Day 200 and hopefully my post then will be full of positivity and C won’t be there, in my head all the time.

Today was (supposedly) the first day of my new job. I was nervous and didn’t sleep well last night, plus I am full of cold and have a cough and so am feeling really unwell.
5am – alarm goes off
5:15 – I get up
5:50 – dad drives me to town
6:20- bus finally arrives (was meant to arrive at 6.13)
7.20 – arrive at work (Don’t start till 8am but bus times means I have to get there early)
Whilst at work, me and 2 others went in, a guy asked if it’s our introduction day, we assume our answer is yes and we get told to wait in the canteen. Someone tells us to go upstairs, people upstairs tell up to go back down. After hanging around, another girl who was starting with us turns up, so there are 4 of us with no idea where to go and we got told to go back upstairs, ask for “Alan” and he will give us a badge. Alan wasn’t part of the team we were working for and we got told to go back downstairs.
Back in the canteen, at around 8:05am, the right person came to us, did a little talk about health and safety, had us sign a form and said “you start on Friday, the shifts are 4 on, 4 off. We are all majorly pissed off that we had to get up early just to sign a friggin form. Anyway, the girl who came in last drives (except she lives in a village away from our town so can’t give us a lift into work) but said that since we weren’t working she was going to go into town and gave us a lift back into town to save us waiting in the cold for a bus. I got home at around 9.15am.

I then watched a little tv but either/ or a combination of both waking up early or being sick, I felt drained and so went back to bed and slept for a couple of hours.
At around 2pm, I went back downstairs and watched TV.

And dinner time, I felt hungry and cold and wanted something that would help my cold. I really wanted my Nan’s stew (she makes the best!). So, on a whim, I rung and asked if she had done any today. She hadn’t but being her eldest grand daughter and pushing the fact I am sick, she said she would do a stew tomorrow for me. She always calls me “Nanny’s little angel” and I kind of am… Get away with anything with my nan.
So today, I just had a jacket potato.
I then watched TV and chilled out feeling sorry for myself.
I was about to come to bed, again feeling drained, at 9pm but then Gotham came on TV and for once, everyone else was in bed so I had the chance to watch it on time instead of having to watch it on demand.

I’m now in bed, really damn cold!! And hopefully I will sleep better tonight. Although, the rate I’m sneezing at the moment I might not sleep. I did get told a sneeze is 1/8 of an orgasm. I’ve sneezed so many times I’ve lost count but it’s been more than 8 times and I’m quite disappointed that I haven’t had an orgasm. I mean if you’re gonna be sick, the least your body can do is give you something to enjoy huh??? LOL

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I actually managed to wake up
2) I watched Gotham
3) I spoke to R.. (Someone I kinda like)

Today’s Score: 3/5

Sorry for the long post and especially the rant thing at the beginning.

Moving On: Day 101

Right so, I’ve decided that I can’t write this every night. It’s getting a bit samey but I also don’t think that I have fully been able to move on yet. I keep trying and trying then my thoughts that I try and keep locked up seem to appear and I have a massive moan on here or on Twitter. Some times it’s just my thoughts can’t keep locked up and hidden, other times something sets it off – like last night, I read old messages and the memories came flooding back.
So, I am going to give myself another 100 days of “Moving On” and this time, I am going to try harder. I am not going to hide thoughts anymore. That obviously doesn’t help.
I’ve obviously moved on a little because I’m able to go dad by day without checking on what C puts but I haven’t gone that far to where I can sit and watch TV or look on Facebook and read or see something that reminds me of her.
Today, I was FB messaging a friend and his sentence was “ok little one” as a joke because I’m small. He was just simply pretending to agree with something but C used to call me “little one” and BAM! There I was having a flashback of me sat on the bed crying down the phone to her and her calling it me. And there’s that dancing pony advert that reminds me of her ponies or if I see a shihtzu dog, I remember her dogs and I miss her and her little stories about them.
That is what I want to go away. I want to move on to be able to see those things on not think about her and not get upset about losing her.
I still forgive her, I get angry and upset but I still forgive her. I understand a lot of the reasons she wants to hurt me – if I was her I would want to hurt me but my understanding of why has enabled me to forgive her.
So, bring on Day 200 and hopefully my post then will be full of positivity and C won’t be there, in my head all the time.

Today was (supposedly) the first day of my new job. I was nervous and didn’t sleep well last night, plus I am full of cold and have a cough and so am feeling really unwell.
5am – alarm goes off
5:15 – I get up
5:50 – dad drives me to town
6:20- bus finally arrives (was meant to arrive at 6.13)
7.20 – arrive at work (Don’t start till 8am but bus times means I have to get there early)
Whilst at work, me and 2 others went in, a guy asked if it’s our introduction day, we assume our answer is yes and we get told to wait in the canteen. Someone tells us to go upstairs, people upstairs tell up to go back down. After hanging around, another girl who was starting with us turns up, so there are 4 of us with no idea where to go and we got told to go back upstairs, ask for “Alan” and he will give us a badge. Alan wasn’t part of the team we were working for and we got told to go back downstairs.
Back in the canteen, at around 8:05am, the right person came to us, did a little talk about health and safety, had us sign a form and said “you start on Friday, the shifts are 4 on, 4 off. We are all majorly pissed off that we had to get up early just to sign a friggin form. Anyway, the girl who came in last drives (except she lives in a village away from our town so can’t give us a lift into work) but said that since we weren’t working she was going to go into town and gave us a lift back into town to save us waiting in the cold for a bus. I got home at around 9.15am.

I then watched a little tv but either/ or a combination of both waking up early or being sick, I felt drained and so went back to bed and slept for a couple of hours.
At around 2pm, I went back downstairs and watched TV.

And dinner time, I felt hungry and cold and wanted something that would help my cold. I really wanted my Nan’s stew (she makes the best!). So, on a whim, I rung and asked if she had done any today. She hadn’t but being her eldest grand daughter and pushing the fact I am sick, she said she would do a stew tomorrow for me. She always calls me “Nanny’s little angel” and I kind of am… Get away with anything with my nan.
So today, I just had a jacket potato.
I then watched TV and chilled out feeling sorry for myself.
I was about to come to bed, again feeling drained, at 9pm but then Gotham came on TV and for once, everyone else was in bed so I had the chance to watch it on time instead of having to watch it on demand.

I’m now in bed, really damn cold!! And hopefully I will sleep better tonight. Although, the rate I’m sneezing at the moment I might not sleep. I did get told a sneeze is 1/8 of an orgasm. I’ve sneezed so many times I’ve lost count but it’s been more than 8 times and I’m quite disappointed that I haven’t had an orgasm. I mean if you’re gonna be sick, the least your body can do is give you something to enjoy huh??? LOL

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I actually managed to wake up
2) I watched Gotham
3) I spoke to R.. (Someone I kinda like)

Today’s Score: 3/5

Sorry for the long post and especially the rant thing at the beginning.