I’m fine

This picture that I saw, just about sums my feelings up right now.

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Counselling confusion

This has happened before, but I’m worried.
I just had a call from a guy at counselling saying I had been referred to counselling to him. The process is weird and I think I messed it up.
You get referred by your doctor, and have an assessment. The counsellor that assesses you then forwards you onto a counsellor best suited to your needs. Steph assessed me back in February, and the time after that until you see someone is about 6 weeks. But after 1 and a half, I got really suicidal, and so rung the service to talk to Steph, and we decided I couldn’t wait the 6 weeks for that, so she would see me, and I would be her client.

That’s how it’s been going since Feb/March.

I’ve had this phone call before and explained I was seeing Steph. Tonight, the guy that rung me was really confused again, and asked if I could see him to discuss this. I almost broke down into tears because I really didn’t want to explain everything, and I kind of froze and couldn’t speak due to panic, then he suggested he would talk to Steph first to see what’s happened. Now I’m really worried because what if I have to see someone else, and without sounding sexist, I’d much prefer a female; and what if I’ve got Steph into some trouble for seeing me earlier than supposed to??

I’ve got counselling tomorrow, and I was feeling ok about it, and now I’m really worried.

Life=Tough

I’m quite fed up, and irritable. I genuinely don’t want to bother with anything at all at the moment. I even have job interview tomorrow morning, but me being me knows I won’t get the job, plus it’s not my dream job, or something I feel comfortable doing. It’s working in a shop, and the reason I feel uncomfortable is I get scared around new people. I get so anxious and panicky and get myself all confused. I’m screwed if I get the job, I’ll be a shaking mess handing change to people!
But, as many have said, “at the end of the day, it’s money”.

I’m also getting really frustrated with my family. Last night, I had an argument with my sister; today my Dad had a doc appointment came home before going and I had just been to the shop to get a lot of food and munch. My Dad then said, if you have money for food, then maybe we should charge you board (to those who don’t know it’s rent to your parents). But really, the only reason I go the shop for snacks is because he always moans if I eat whatever food he’s got for the family, so I thought I would get my own, and he moans at that!!!!
Then tonight, I came up to bed early because I feel so tired, like 8pm early. My sister comes up at about 9.30pm, starts talking, and although I wasn’t properly asleep, I was halfway there, so I quite moodily tell her to shut up, she says “oh you’re in a mood again!” and we argue about that. She then goes in the bath. She got out/ready for bed then starts to moan about the open window. I say I’m really hot and what it open, but she will moan till the cows come in if the window doesn’t get shut at night. I’m fed up of always suffering with a stuffy room, and unable to sleep because she moans so much I just give in and she always gets her own way. I’ve asked her to open it when she gets up for college (5.30am), and I have noticed that when she bothers to remember, it is then once the window is open, I find myself cooling down and able to drift off into a sleep.

Why can’t I be more assertive like the rest of my family? If I was, I would probably be able to sleep at night, and not be to tired and down in the day!

Ughhhhh

I met up 2 friends today, that I hadn’t seen since my birthday in January. (I apologize for any mistakes, I’ve had a bottle of wine- bit I’m using my pho e and it has autocorrect).

We had a good night, was a real laugh, me and Grace talked about time at school and Elizabeth joined in. I even talked to them about the self harm and counselling, and they were fine about it which was good.

So, I got home, watched some telly and thought it best I go to bed. My sister followed me up.
Whilst she was getting ready she asked if I was doing anything on Thursday, I said no. Then, she started to kick off like,
“omg you always get a day to yourself. I do t. I’m always stuck with someone” (basically stuff along those lines). I was like woah, I can’t help of I’m not doing anything. She’s really yelling and I think “hold om, I’ve done nothing wrong, I’m just saying that I have nothing planned on Thursday.” I don’t understand her problem.

I was really worried about tonight, wondering whether they would ask anything etc, but it was a good night, then I come home to bed and my sister has a go at me. I think I’ve said it before but why can’t I just have a good day/night. Why does something always have to happen?????

😦

Another really down blog, sorry

My heart actually hurts tonight. I have never felt like this before.

I really wanted to be proven wrong. I have never in my life opened up to my Mum. I got bullied at school, she didn’t know, I never even told her I had started my period- until about 2 years later when we we on holiday and my period came early and she had to get me stuff. I’ve never felt close enough to her to tell her anything because I was always scared she wouldn’t take it seriously. Tonight, I would have loved to be proven wrong, would have loved for her to actually showed she cared. Then her and my Dad just had to take the piss! Really, I couldn’t care less about my Dad, I’ve always known he wouldn’t show any kind of emotion (other than anger) but my Mum has really hurt me. What Mum sits there and takes the piss out of her daughters fears?

My heart has broken and it hurts. It really hurts. All I want to do is cry my eyes out but my sister has come to bed. Unless she has college, she usually stays up late! And tonight, when I’m in the middle of cutting she comes up early. Tonight, when I want to lie in bed a cry my eyes out, she’s early!!! I need to cry really badly and she’s here and I can’t! I think I’d feel better if I cried, but I’m feeling myself get even more down the longer I’m unable to.

Massive 😦 face