Mood killers

Has anyone got a family member with a problem? I think my family is the most disfunctional family around; and I wonder why I’m how I am?

Some may read this and think that it’s me that has the problem, not them. I understand that thought because it is one I have often thought myself. And maybe it’s true, but who knows??

I am convinced my Dad and Sister have anger issues, they both get so wound up at anything and everything. It scares me sometimes, it really does. I’m scared they’re going to lash out.

Then there’s my Mum. Well, she can’t go a day without drinking. On the days she works, she will finish around 3pm and stop off at the shop for a few cans of lager. Then later on, around evening time, she will go round the shop and get a few more. She is always skint, and will go into my Dad’s bank to get some money (that causes another argument).
Sundays. Seem the worst with my Mum, she will go to my nan and grandads house and drink, then come home and drink some more, and usually gets moody on Sundays.

Tonight seemed a good night. I was feeling good, but then my drunken mum and angry sister got into an argument about the TV. I can’t stand arguments and our family are always having them! Brings me down so much. I just wish it was normal. I’m so fed up I don’t know what to do.

So now, I’m hiding away in my room wanting to cry. And they question why I don’t go to them for support!

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Panic

Well, things seem a bit better, feeling a bit happier these last couple of days.

However, I keep getting panicky. Unable to breathe properly and feeling sick. I think I’m having panic attacks but I’m not sure.

If there is anyone out there, please help. Is there a way to stop them from happening?

Tough break

Hello, been a couple of days since I last posted.

Yesterday was quite a horrid day.

Firstly, I had an appointment with a psychological doctor, and he told me I had some syndrome (I can’t remember the name). I’m glad there is a diagnosis, but the questions he was asking, and the way he was talking to me felt like I was being grilled by the police. He seemed horrible, and it scared me quite a bit. Seemed very unprofessional. But that’s over and I don’t have to see him again.

Then when I got home, I got news that what I’ve done was in the local paper. I was shocked and deeply upset. I don’t want people knowing about me!
I just wanted to go into hiding. It was horrible. I already feel bad enough with what I’ve done, I don’t need others to know or to make me feel crap!!

So yeah it was tough, and I wanted to cut, but I managed to go through that feeling. I cried it out and after a couple hours I felt better.

So that’s blade 2 – 1 Jade!

Self harm: an addiction

So, as you may have read, I used to self harm. I thought I had got out of doing that as for about 3 years I hadn’t done it. But I cut the other day, and ended up cutting last night.

Last night, I just thought ‘why should I not do this. It’s my body.’ And as I was cutting, I was going mad, crazed at cutting my arm. It was then that I realized I was addicted to making myself bleed.

You see, I hardly bleed, must be thick blooded. But I wanted to bleed so much. I hate myself, and what I have done that I wanted what I deserve.

Knowing that no matter how hard I try, not much blood was coming out, my ‘inner sanity’ was screaming at me to “stop this madness” and so I took a deep breath and stopped.

I still had the urge to cut, the need but I felt ashamed of what I was doing.

How do you stop this addiction?

What doesn’t kill you…….

Well, as the saying goes, ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’

And although I like Kelly Clarkson, and heard the song, with the same title, before, it has never dawned on me with the words.

‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone’

Ok, so really, if don’t go completely mad and give up and kill myself. I could get through this, and come out the other side, a bit more wiser and hopefully more confident in myself and stronger