Day 1 without Coral

Yesterday, I was told that my life-long friend Coral had died. Our Mum’s were friends and we became friends before we could even walk or talk.

I couldn’t sleep last night; I was flooded with memories and the conversation I had had with her Mum earlier in the day. That dreaded conversation. “Jade, it’s Tracy [P], it’s not good news; Coral died this morning”. After a few “Oh shit, Oh God” moments, I managed to ask if she was Okay (But how stupid, her daughter has just died and I’m asking if she was okay!!!!! DUMBASS JADE!) I was speechless and so promised her I would get my Mum to phone her.

In 2004/5 ish, they moved to Norfolk, which from me is about a 4/5hour drive. But the last few years, Since Coral learnt to drive, she came back here to visit a few people, and would usually stay the weekend at mine. We met up at least once a year, and were still close. Coral was/is so special. She was born with a bad heart, and had had several operations before her first birthday; Doctors said she probably wouldn’t last past 5 years old. Her health never stopped her doing anything – it just made her more determined to live life. A couple years ago, she had a heart transplant and it seemed to go really well. She said she felt better, and that she didn’t turn blue in the cold anymore. We even went to a local theme park, Alton Towers on the year- anniversary of her transplant as she was now allowed on the rides. She recently moved in with her Fiancé, and was due to marry in 2016. Her life was good. In October, during one of our chats, she mentioned she had been diagnosed with Connery  Artery Disease and Angina, told that she couldn’t have kids. I didn’t know how serious it was, still don’t but she said she would be fine once the new meds start working. November 11th, we chatted about times as kids, at school learning to play the damn recorder and how we would purposely forget ours to not have to join in. Everything was normal.

Wednesday 27th November, Coral went into hospital with an infection and died the following morning. I just assume she was too sick to fight the infection, but it’s not something I really want to ask her Mum or Sister.

It’s been almost 24hours since I had that phone call, and since then, the world has turned a darker shade of grey. Being depressed, things already seemed grey, but today it’s almost black. Nothing seems real, and it seems like someone is gonna just tap me on my shoulder and tell me it’s some sort of joke, that she’s not dead and she is fine. But, I know that’s not going to happen.

Personally, this is affecting me in 2 ways. The first, I am positive – if Coral can go through all she’s been through and was still always happy and on top of life, then so can I. The second, I don’t want to live anymore; we are all going to die at some point, so why should I carry on when there is nothing to actually carry on for. I then get guilty – Why should I be alive, I’m a horrible person and I don’t want to live, Coral is the nicest person I could know, she wanted to live, but she’s gone.

 

Life isn’t fair. The good always go first. I’m just privileged to have know Coral for practically all my life.

 

Rest In Paradise Coral – 06/08/92-28/11/13

RIP to the bestest friend I could ask for

This is me and my best friend, Coral. I can’t remember when or how I exactly met Coral but we went nursery together. I must have known her since 1/2 years old. I just remember always knowing her.

She was born very poorly and had several operations at birth. Doctors said she wouldn’t make it to 5 years old.

Well she lived, and lived and a couple years ago had a heart transplant. By this time she had moved out of my home town, 4-5 hours drive away. However, we still met occasionally and spoke a lot.

Last few times of arranging to meet, she was ill. So the last I saw of her was my 20th Birthday, Jan 2012.

Her Mum just rung me, she told me it wasn’t good news, that Coral had died this morning. I ran down and told my Mum. We grew up 2 doors down from each other. We were practically sisters.

It hurt when she moved away. But it hurts so much more now that I know she isn’t coming back, it hurts so much more.

What can I say, she lived till 21 and partied still, to her abilities. She was always strong, and didn’t let anything stop her doing things. So I’m gonna do that now. Love through her, no matter what comes my way.

R.I.P Coral

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I never meant to start a war

I am a massive fan of Miley Cyrus. Yes, I don’t like how she acts as she has a lot of young followers via Disney, but most of her songs have a deep meaning. Whenever I hear Wrecking Ball I think about C.

“I never meant to start a war, I just wanted you to let me in, and instead of using force, I should have just let you in”

I really didn’t mean to start a war, but that’s what it feels like. All I am doing now is try to fight for my name. I have never hurt anyone in my life, and I wouldn’t dream of hurting anyone, especially children. I’m not evil, I’m hurting.

Each day that goes past, I break a little more, I hurt a little more and I give up a little more. I just want to die. I keep on cutting my wrists, taking overdosed and each time, I fail. I wake up to the misery of life. Yet no one seems to take me seriously. I’ve still not heard anything back from my cancelled appointment at counselling. When this all started, I knew I needed help, I went to the doctors and said I needed help. I could have just sat at home and I would have probably given up a long time ago. But I asked for help and I’m not being given it. Okay, I was coming down to my last couple of sessions, and I was preparing myself for it to end. But it’s like they can’t be bothered with helping me, so why should I bother?

A friend from school said whenever I needed her to text her. When I did that a few weeks ago, she said she didn’t want anything to do with me as it seems I’m quite happy talking to Louise, or my other friend N. N lives an hour away on the train, and yes I talk to her but Louise is the only person I have now that is just round the corner. I miss my friend Grace. But again, why should I bother when nobody actually cares?!

Sunday night I gave up, and cut again. And today I have a job interview.. Yay me! I’m going, I’d rather have a job than sit at home and maybe a job would help me but really, it’s in a coffee shop, not my dream job.

Fed up of life.

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Feeling Low

Well, I’m feeling low again.

Yesterday, my friend made me join her family in the Xmas parade. Her Dad does the Mascot for our local football team, and I got dragged in to hand out leaflets. I panicked but managed to fob someone else in to give out my leaflets, but I still had to walk in the parade. A positive, I managed to do it, despite almost crying. Before the parade, ‘backstage’ there was a Shetland Pony charity. It sounds pathetic but it upset me. C has many horses and 2 Shetland Ponies. I loved to hear about them and her animals, seeing them in the parade gave me a lot of conversation flashbacks. But then it got worse, there was a light brown pony with a beige mane. Exactly the same as one of C’s ponies. The memories came flooding back. I miss our talks, she would tell me about them all and I felt part of her life, like I was actually there.
I’d rather be dead right now than have to face these memories. It sounds pathetic that seeing several ponies upsets me.

Also, I’ve made several attempts to get Steph and Rob to rebook me after our last session got cancelled and I’m not getting any reply. I only have 2 sessions left, and this last week, without seeing them has been hard. Maybe it’s because I’m expecting another appointment, but it doesn’t give me much confidence for how I’m gonna cope when they actually end.

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Gymnastics

If you read my previous post, you will know that I was thinking of returning to a gymnastics class.
I started one last year, did a few weeks but then depression attacked me and I quit for being quite low.
The depression has got worse throughout the year, and has been joined by social anxiety.
A few weeks ago, I asked about it but have since been making up excuses.
Tonight, I had no excuse, but my friend Louise said she would come and watch if I go. So, I gave myself a massive kick up the ass and went.
I explained to the coach my anxiety and she explained that the classes stopped and has only just restarted recently so there isn’t many people. This calmed me a bit, what calmed me even more was finding out that that was one more girl, and two lads. The lads stuck to the trampolines and I got a lot of help. I was praised a lot. I had put myself down and said I wasn’t great, but she said I was pretty good really.
I enjoyed it, and even Louise is gonna join in next week.
I’m so glad I fought the anxiety and the negative voices in my head and went.

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Mental Health is controlling

Last July time, I started a gymnastics class. I was still speaking to C at the time, but I don’t think I ever let her know that I was doing it. Because of my lies, she would worry if I had to go anywhere, so I didn’t tell her hoping she wouldn’t worry.
At the start of December (I think), she said she needed to “back off” from speaking to me, this to me meant we would still speak, just not as often. And so when she wouldn’t answer my emails, I had a bit of a meltdown. I stopped going to gymnastics, I stopped talking to close friends, I wanted to cancel my birthday party (in January).
Then, the first week of January, I picked myself up a bit and I remember saying “I’m going back to gymnastics next week”
Unfortunately on the 10th Jan, a day before my 21st birthday and my party, I got arrested. All my lies had come out and from then, my depression came back, and so did a massive bout of anxiety. I started self harming again, was suicidal and became scared to go out.

Recently, I have started swimming each week with my sister, and a couple weeks ago I asked about the gymnastics, to see if the day and times were still the same. The adult classes are 8.30pm Thursday evenings. The week I asked was Halloween and I already had plans, but since then I have been making up excuses to not go. I keep getting so worked up and in a panic that I end up feeling physically sick with the thought of doing something in a room full of unknown people. I want to go tonight, last counselling session, I proudly said I had enquired about it. I can’t go to the next session saying I chickened out of going.

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