Life just keeps getting worse

Why is it, when you think you’re getting somewhere in life, you have a really bad day, and everything just messes up and you fall to pieces?????

My friend attempted suicide last night, and I heard no news until 4am, so it was a sleepless night. Then I fell asleep, and slept through my alarm; leaving me 20 minutes to get ready for group counselling. Group wasn’t too bad, and some of us went to get a coffee after.

I went to the bank, and hadn’t been paid :-(. Then had probation, and that was just awful- quite emotional. I then went to the library to ring about my payment and got passed through different places and got frustrated. That and the emotional probation, I just burst into tears.

I then went to get some food, and came across my ex and went into a huge panic. I then went to counselling and told her everything and almost cried. Steph has got details about a counselling course in September, she really thinks I’ll be good. My friend met me after and I’m staying at hers tonight, I couldn’t face going home.

Also, I told my Mum about being on antidepressants on Thursday, and on Friday the hairdresser came, and my mum told her everything!!! That’s really Pissed me off!

Life has won

I can’t live anymore. I keep telling myself I can get through this, but the truth is I can’t. I am great at helping others, and Steph even asked me to volunteer at the centre (when I’m over my stuff), but I don’t see myself ever getting over this.

My life has become a struggle of “just one more day” and the more I tell myself that, my other little voice is telling me to stop putting it off. I keep imagining getting a blade out of a bag in my bedroom, it’s a big blade, one to put in a Stanley Knife. This image turns into me Stabbing and slicing my wrists. I have so many different tablets hiding away from my family, and should be getting another prescription tomorrow. I have over 30 over-the-counter (crap) sleeping pills, pain killers and my old Fluoxetine tablets that I will also sit and think “take them”.

I’m getting so many rejections from job applications, which doubles the “you fucked your life up” and “your life is now pointless” thoughts.

Dying seems pretty good right now. It’s the only thing I can do.

The Voice In My Head

We all have a voice or two in our heads; the little angels and devils on our shoulders etc. The little voice talks to you when no one else will, it tells you what’s wrong or right, it judges things in life. However much it can be useful, it’s also destructive, and that is what this post is going to be about.

With depression and anxiety, and anything else that is negative; the little voice becomes destructive. I’ve heard it be called ‘The Poisonous Parrot’- if you were to imagine a parrot on your shoulder criticising everything, like “Why bother? You’ll fail anyway”.

We need to find a way to destroy this parrot, because that parrot is a liar!

This morning, that b*****d told me today was gonna be rubbish, that I will be low. And damn! I soon became low because the parrot told me I was. But then I had a visit from ‘The Truthful Turkey’, now he is too big to sit on my shoulder, and when he speaks, it’s hard to hear so you have to work harder at listening to what he says. I heard him today, he said “If you lie in bed thinking, you will be down” so I got up and did things. I felt better.

I can’t remember the film, but a boy was scared to do something, and he’s told to “whistle a happy tune” and others will believe you’re happy, but I also think if you tell yourself positive things, they will come your way. As soon as you start being negative, subconsciously, you only see negative, but if you even pretend to be positive, you should start to see positive things.

Life as it is

It’s been a while since I last posted. I’ve been ok, helping others and not myself to be honest. I’ve had my difficult times, but I have a few friends going through awful times at the moment, and it’s been a welcome distraction to my own problems. Sadly, no one needed me last night (suppose it’s good they’re ok lol) but, it left me on my own thinking about my own stuff and it gave me a huge slap in the face and I ended up overdosing :-(.

But this last week, or maybe 2 weeks, I’ve been given a temporary dose of sleeping tablet and I’ve felt much better taking them. I have 2 left, and dont see the doctor until Thursday, and even then I’m unsure I’ll be given more. But it is the sleep that’s lifted my mood I think.
Steph asked me whether I’d be interested in volunteering and maybe training as a counsellor, I thought about it, and I think when I’m on top of things, it is something I wanna do. Helping others is something my friends have said I’m good at, and something I wanna do.

I got a 9-page letter this morning basically saying that some people are discussing whether I should be barred from working with children and/or vulnerable adults. This knocked me back even more! I’ve not hurt anyone so why should I be banned when real sex offenders are being taken off the sex offenders register and being allowed to work with kids and such?!!!

I know what I did was wrong, and some may say my reasons aren’t justifiable, but I haven’t hurt anybody, and I could never hurt anybody. I’m the girl who sat feeling low for an hour or more after accidentally stepping on a snail! I just got to sit back and hope that they see the good in me, but it could take months.

I saw this tree thing, and want to share it, I hope it helps someone.

Sleeping pills

On Friday, I took another trip to the doctors and she gave me different antidepressants and a weeks worth of sleeping pills. The sleeping pills were for 7 nights, but you can either take 1 or 2 a night, but she said yo not take for more than 3 nights in a row. Altogether, there were 14 tablets.

I decided I’d try on 1 a night and see how they go, and they work wonders! I took 1 Friday, missed out Saturday because I was drinking, and took them Sunday, Monday and Tuesday night.

It’s now Wednesday, and for the last hour I’ve had “take one” and “dont, you can’t take them more than 3 nights in a row”. I just took my antidepressant, and was sat questioning whether to take the sleeping pill. I haven’t taken it, but I now understand why they’re addictive.

I am feeling very agitated and anxious that I won’t sleep tonight. It’s quite upsetting really, and I wanna cry. If I dont sleep, I know I’m gonna end up taking them every night until they run out. But, I should see the doctors next Friday again, and I know what she will say. I will want more, but she won’t give them and it will start a horrible downward spiral for me.

I need to sleep, my mood has been better from these few days of sleeping, and not sleeping is gonna make me worse again, I know it!

I’ve always said “I won’t get addicted to pills”, but when something so huge as sleep is being helped, you become addicted to needing that all the time; and I’ve only had 4 days of them!!!

I think I’m being quite good making myself not take one tonight. I just need my doctor to prescribe them on a repeat prescription.

Close your eyes

Have you heard that song, Pomeii by Bastille (or something like that). I’ve heard it before, but I just listened to it properly; and one line just really stuck out for me.

If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothings changed at all?

It got me thinking. Before I met C, if I lay on my bed and closed my eyes, I would be on my bed closing my eyes. When I met C, I would still be on my bed closing my eyes. And now, without C, I am on my bed closing my eyes.

So many things come and go in life. Bad and good things happen. Things that you can’t change, things that get you down. A lot of things will change, but at the end of the day, if you close your eyes, in any situation, you can see darkness. Granted, you could brew up an imaginary, peaceful place to take yourself out of real life, but the facts are still that it is dark.

I think it’s comforting that despite changes, some things stay the same.

Sunshine And Flying Clothes

If y’all as lucky as I am, the weekend was sunny and warm.. Ok, I didn’t enjoy it, covering ny cuts up in weather like this is torture. But the sun makes me happy, and so I just put up with it as best as I could.

Then just chilling in my room, as a chance to take cardigan off for a bit, I was relaxing on a Sunday afternoon. I then heard my Mum come home from my Nans and yet again she was drunk and moody. She started yelling at my Dad, I could hear things being thrown and smashed.
I needed the toilet but my brother was in the shower, so i had no choice but to go to the downstairs toilet. I came out of the toilet, and had the stairs blocked by my Mum stopping my Dad from going up. So, I had to endure all of this now from the living room.
I quietly asked my sister what happened, and now you’ll learn how pathetic my Mum gets when she’s drank. My Mum was making my Dads sandwiches for work the next day, he just said “there’s too much branston pickle on that one, can you scrape some off for the other one?” She then threw the knife and it all started. She threw all my Dads heart and diabetes medicine in the bin and wished him to have a heart attack. Then told him to leave. He wouldn’t, so she called my Grandad and the police to get him out.

My grandad couldn’t calm her down, and the police came and she suggested my Mum goes to my grandads for a couple hours, have a cuppa and chill. They said the way she was in it would be her being arrested, not my Dad. Well, she didn’t leave but my dad did. She threw his work clothes out, and I got them in and said she was being childish, then she threw them out again. My Dad later came home, they both started chucking clothes out the bedroom window. Then my Dad came downstairs and she blamed him for hiding her phone. She slapped him, walked past me and slapped me. Unplugged the fan, and chucked that across the room, and went to bed. My brother is special needs, he was crying his eyes out and she didn’t care. I wanted to just go, but couldn’t leave him.

And I wonder why I’m depressed?