Razor Blades and Sleeping Pills

I’m feeling so low right now, like the kind of low where you just don’t see how you can get out of it.

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally, and I can’t carry on. I’m constantly feeling drained, tired and so emotional. I just don’t see the point of trying anymore. For example, Britains Got Talent was on TV just, I’m an avid watcher, and try not to miss any show, especially these live semi-finals; tonight I haven’t even bothered going downstairs to watch it. I’m just too down.

I have a blade, some scissors, sleeping tablets and ibruprofen in my bag, and I just feel like I need to cut and/or take the pills. I don’t want to go on anymore. I’m too tired and I just wish I could sleep forever.

I have no idea how tonight is going to pan out…. I need to do something.

Sleep

I’ve just had a nap. It lasted around 1 and a half hours and boy did I need it! I feel slightly better now. In the last 5/6 months, I’ve only ever had 2-3hours a night sleeping, but for the last week, it’s been hard to sleep and it’s been like 20-30 mins at a time (despite taking over-the-counter sleeping pills). So this late afternoon/early evening nap was good. However, I have a feeling it’s gonna mess up my sleeping when I actually go bed tonight.

24th May Continued

Sorry, WordPress on my phone has a character limit, and U couldn’t write anymore.

Yes so anyway; how dare anyone say I could hurt my brother? So I have to fight for my name. I have to stand up and argue that what I did and said has nothing to do with anything, I’m being punished for what I’ve done, which is tell a lie, but I’ve never physically hurt someone.

Easier said than done, but it gave me a little boost. She also said she would give me a character reference if needed.

My Mum has a meeting with this social worker on Tuesday and it may just be a few questions to see what my Mum thinks. I’m a bit worried. I dont know if the woman has been told about the self harm or suicide attempts, but if she has I hope to god it’s not brought up with my Mum. I’ll keep y’all posted.

After the cry, and emergency counselling session, I text a friend, Grace, to see if she wanted to go out for a drink or 2, just to keep me busy tonight. Then I went to work.
This evening, I met with Grace, we talked, and it was nice. I’m home now, and off to bed. Hopefully I’ll sleep but with everything how it is, I’m not sure I will be able to switch off.

Goodnight Bloggers x

24th May

Just a brief before I start this blog to make it understandable to new followers.
My problems began in January when I got arrested. I had been emailing a woman, C saying I had been a victim of sexual abuse when I wasn’t. She found out I was Lyon and went to the police. I only did it because I felt lonely and unloved, and C cared and showed me love. Have had months of court cases etc. It’s over now, and I have a year of probation/supervision (They’re there to help support me and make sure I don’t repeat what I’ve done). Anyway, because of what I said, the stories I told, probation have got social services involved because I have a 14 year old, disabled brother (even though I have never touched a kid in my life!) they told me they were doing this, and I warned my Mum.

This morning, a social worker knocked on the door asking for my Mum and/or Dad. None were in so she left a note for my Mum to ring her. As soon as the woman left, negative thoughts ran through my head, and I panicked a lot. What if she decides I can’t live at home with my brother being here. I’ll have to leave. (I want to leave anyway but have nowhere/no money to do so). I’ve caused so much trouble for a lot of people because of this stupid mistake.
Almost at the brink of tears, and suicidal, I grabbed my things and went to town. I walked to the counselling service, and luckily Steph was free for about 30 mins. She led me out of the waiting room and as soon as the door closed and she asked what was wrong, I burst into tears. We were stood in the middle of the corridor, me crying my eyes out, almost falling to my knees and she was holding me. I know right, what the hell was I doing stood in the middle of a corridor crying? It was like a flood of held back tears just came flooding out and I couldn’t stop them. Stupid huh?
Steph huddled me to the lift and we found a room and talked. I told her about the social worker and she gave me good advice. She said I made a mistake, the court is over and the probation is my punishment. This is something that could ruin my name, how dare anyone say I’m a risk to my brother when I know, and those closest know I wouldn’t hurt him? TBC..

Counselling

So, something scary has happened, something I really dont want to face but I know I have to.
I had counselling yesterday, and again, Steph was worried about my scores- especially the ‘Thoughts you’d rather be dead or harmed in some way’.
She said she was going to talk about referring me to a Therapist. Apparently, they work differently to a counsellor and are more able to help me.
This morning, Steph rung me to update me.
She has booked me onto 2 groups sessions, each lasting 8-9 weeks. One is and emotional wellbeing one, focussing on self esteem, assertiveness and other things like that. The other is called ‘connecting people’. That one is to improve social confidence, you have a first meeting and then you meet out in public at caf├ęs and such places. I’m terrified, I know it’s going to be with people with the same anxieties as me but I’m terrified.
Then she mentioned she’s going to talk to someone about the therapist today and let me know.
I’m scared of everything. You’re only allowed counselling for 8 sessions at that place, so she would have had to stop or refer me anyway but I really dont want to see someone new.