New years eve



Today, I’m missing Coral. I wrote a poem, and have attached a photo from my 18th Birthday. As kids, we had these yellow plastic chairs, we would stand on them in our driveway and dance to Stop – Spice Girls. On my 18th Birthday, she asked the DJ to play it, and we performed it for everyone!
(Photo- me attempting to be Sandy from Grease, Coral as a bee and sister is queen of hearts)

New years eve,
I’m supposed to party,
Party for new beginnings
But it’s also the end, you see.
It’s not been a great year,
And I wish I could rewind,
I need to see your face,
Write your cards,
Do what we planned.
I miss you,
I really do.
Please come back,
Just one more time?
One more party,
Dancing hand in hand.

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I want a friend

I’m feeling so lonely tonight. I need a friend.

Today, my mum saw the ex-friend, Grace, in the supermarket. She said they spoke. My mum asked her if she was going to make up with me, and apparently Grace said she would still say “Hi” if she saw me about; but if that’s the case, why delete my number, remove us as friends on Facebook? If it was the simple case of drifting apart, she would still talk to me ECT. I just don’t get it.

I don’t have many people I confide in. There is Louise, she lives by me. But although I talk to her, she’s not easy to talk to, she just doesn’t understand sometimes, and can be a little OTT. The second is N; she lives an hour away by train. We hardly see each other, and I’ve not told her of my mistake fully, just bits. She’s kind and a great help when I need her. The third is B; B started speaking to me on here. I’ve not met B in person, but she is an amazing friend.

I’m grateful for them all. They help me in different ways. I just really need someone here, like Louise, but someone understanding, not someone who’s gonna yell me. Someone who will sit and listen, rather than tell me what I need to do. Louise isn’t the hugging type. No one around me is and I need a hug.

I need a hug, and someone to love and care for me. I need a friend 😥

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Thoughts

The last few days I’ve had many thoughts. I’ve been told about the nastiness of an ex-friend and despite the nastiness, I miss our friendship. There was no arguments, she just said we grew apart, but is that reason to delete us (not just me, my family too) out of her life and never speak again. Grace knew all about the charges and I wonder if that’s the actual reason why.
Since losing my friend Coral, it’s dawned on me how precious friends are; we should stop speaking for silly reasons, we should always have contact no matter what. If coral and I stopped speaking simply because she moved away, I would be devastated.

So now, I shall only care for those who care for me.

I’ve also been thinking about telling Facebook friends what happened. I’m scared that someone will read the book and find it out that way. But it won’t happen.. The book is about me, not them. They don’t need to be told anything, and if they by chance read it then they can ask questions.

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A rant about horoscopes

I keep seeing people post their horoscopes on twitter, and admittedly I signed up for an automatic daily post. I like to read what someone has decided that I, as a Capricorn, have to face each day. However, I constantly keep forgetting to check it.

Horoscopes drive me insane! Some person out there believes he can predict the future from stars, publishes it and people read it. It’s just a lucky coincidence if whatever is said comes true. If what was said for each star sign was actually real then every Capricorn, and other signs would get exactly the same luck.
It’s great that people have beliefs, if no one had any beliefs then everyone would struggle to find any positives in life. My belief is that you bring your own luck in life, that if you fuck up there are consequences; you don’t get anything for nothing – you have to work at it. And if a daily horoscope is the thing that boosts you and gives you confidence and guidance then so be it…

I just read mine for today, and I’m supposed to get in a debate with a friend. Me and my best friend are totally opposite, she believes in horoscopes and we already know our differences. But yes, she may read my status and get into a debate. That is not because some star in the sky has moved into a position, it’s because we have a difference of opinion. And there is also a chance that she sees my status and says nothing about it. It’s all chance, she’s a Gemini and I bet her horoscope doesn’t mention a debate.

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Low moods

Christmas has gone pretty okay this year. I, not ungratefully, didn’t get what I had asked for though. My sister and brother got everything they asked for, and I was happy with what I got. But when I opened my presents, my mum said “sorry I didn’t get you what you asked for, it’s just after spending money getting these pair their things, I didn’t have much money left.” like I say, I’m not ungrateful for what I got, I got x-men and wolverine DVD box set, acrylic nail set, and 2 yard boxes of jaffacakes (the best thing ever!). My only issue is what she said, it just makes me feel different from them, again. Me and my sister are twins, so why is it me who comes out last?

Also, my dad had told me about what my old best friend, Grace had said via text to him. A few month ago, I text her to say I was feeling low, she replied saying she felt we had drifted, that we hadn’t spoke properly in months and that meant we weren’t friends. I told my sister and mum this and thought my dad knew. Last month he text her trying to get her to get me out. She replied something horrible, saying I’m almost 22 and should be able to deal with my own problems.
It’s made me feel low, and since hearing that, I’ve not been able to come out of my low mood. I understand we drifted, people do, but you’re still able to say hello in the street. My feelings of aloneness went up. I’m fed up.

I did 2 shifts in my new job this week, and start properly in new year. It’s voluntary, but gets me out the house and gives me a purpose.

However, I feel my mood still getting lower. I’m trying to curb it, and lift it but everything is still there, in the back of my mind.
I miss my old friends, I miss everyone. Grace knew everything that had happened, one of the few that do, she said she’d always be there, but she’s gone. I’m fed up of everyone saying they will always be here, and then they just go! I can’t deal with much else.

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Christmas Eve with a bang

Every year on Christmas Eve, my family goes to the local bar for family drinks. No matter if anything has happened, nothing is usually brought up, and it’s a fun time.

This year, I was nervous. I was kind of nervous in case my mum got drunk and ‘mouthy’, although on Xmas eve she usually gets drunk (as with any other day), but doesn’t become mouthy. But there was still the “What if” question. But really, her mouthyness stays at home, and not usually in public.

Second reason that I was nervous was because it was our local. Many people there would at least recognise my parents, and thus realising who I was. After the first court date although I had not yet been convicted, the crime which I was charged for got put in the paper, and many people had already questioned it. Although this was back in February, I was still nervous in case anyone knew and questioned it.

Most of the night went well. Nothing to do with me got brought up, and I got quite merry. BUT within half hour of being there, one man went up to another and started to randomly hit him. (at the bar, this same guy was telling my dad he had a life-long ban from the social club we were in. So he shouldn’t have even been there). Family and/or friends of the managers of the bar then started fighting, drinks were thrown,, it was chaos. I got into panic. One big fear of mine since the court, is violence. I remembered my breathing techniques and also tried singing a song in my head. Then someone yelled at the violent guy “His kids are in there” (the disco room). I went in and the girl was crying that her dad was being beat up. My fears went out the window and me and my sister sat with her for a bit. When it calmed down she sat with us still whilst things were going on, and police interviews. The girl calmed down a bit when she saw my auntie, who’s son is their uncle which I was unaware of. Though, she got upset when her dad re-entered full of blood.
Even after things had calmed, I was still shaken. But, I’m proud that I got through it.

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