Bleeding

I’m bleeding again,
I gave up,
This is how I feel my pain.

I get my friend,
Mr Razor Blade,
I cut from start to end.

The blood, it pours,
I look down and smile,
It for a good cause.

I want to die,
But it wasn’t my aim
To say good bye.

I just want to feel,
I needed to cry,
Is this even real?

Drip, drip, drop,
I’m still bleeding,
The blood just won’t stop.

Isn’t blood a pretty red
The shade is so nice,
But it’s staining on my bed.

It’s time to go to sleep now,
I’ll wake up in a daze.
But first I’ll make a vow.

I’ll try harder next time,
To not destroy my arm,
I’ll conquer this climb.

A poem by Jade Wood

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Perk Up

So, it’s Sunday again and my Mum is drunk, again! I expected her to be her usual drunk self, but tonight she has really annoyed and upset me.

I just happened to mention I have to go doctors tomorrow morning, and she asked if it was for my antidepressant tablets, so I said yes. Her response is just completely shocking: 

“You need to start coming off them, Jade. You just need to PERK UP. If you’re as strong as me, you don’t need them” 

I just felt like yelling back that I am nothing like her; I’m not strong and I can’t cope. And I think that if she wasn’t drunk, and likely to keep up the awkward conversation, I would have said a bit more of what I really wanted to say.

 

It has just really upset me. How am I supposed to perk up? Someone is writing a book about me, and my life is fucked at the moment, so perking up is hard. To be honest, I don’t think these tablets are working but I can speak to the doctor about that.

Ive come up to bed quite early, to get away from her and to calm down. But instead, I burst into tears and felt like I was breaking down. Suicide is, yet again, at the top of my mind right now. I got myself a drink, with the thoughts of maybe needing it to take tablets, and I basically want to completely savage my arms up.

😦

Suicidal

I’m feeling really suicidal today. I’ve been feeling bad for a few day, but this morning I’ve woken up to my inner voice telling me exactly what to do, and where to go.

I really don’t see any point in my life anymore. For every little good thing that happens, there’s a dozen bad things also happening.

Steph had supposedly contacted crisis team on Thursday, but I’ve not heard anything. I’m starting to think that nobody wants to bother with me; maybe I’m too much hard work. I don’t know, nothing seems right anymore. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t.

It’s like I’m just a body, and my soul has disappeared. Ever seen insidious? I kinda feel like that.

Maybe a poem, or just my messed up thoughts

I stare at the white ceiling,
It’s dull, but a bulb sits in the middle;
Light is shone when needed.
It’s still a dull, white ceiling.

There’s not much to look at,
My room is a metaphor for how my life is.
How did it get this bad, I swear I straightened things out a few weeks ago?
I’m losing my mind, as well as everything I own.

My pillow is wet, encrusted with the bitter drops of my sadness. I could wring my pillow out and create a river of my thoughts.

Where did everything go wrong?
Why did I mess everything up?

I just can’t cope anymore.
Life is a struggle,
It’s not what I hoped for.

The glass on the table reminds me to take my happy pills.
What’s the point? They’re not even working!
Shall I take the packet and just see how different life on the other side really is?

I doubt I’m going to heaven, but I don’t care as longs as I’m sleeping.
Someone please, give me a release.
I’m dying on the inside, so why can’t I die on the outside?

If you were to pick me up and shake me,
You would hear my soul rattle.

A big crisis

Today, I saw Steph. We were talking about how things were going, and we spoke about the Brendan House thing. I told her how suicidal I was, and long story short, she has referred me to the Community Health Team (aka crisis).

I went to the waiting room and was waiting for my friend who had an appointment after mine and I started to panic about the referral. I went in my bag to get my blades, and they weren’t there. This just set my mood lower, the urge to cut more than doubled and I wanted to die there and then. Not finding the blades, I opened 16 ibuprofen that were in my bag. I had 16 tablets in my hand and was just sat staring at them. Eventually, I just chucked them away.

I’m home now, been expecting a call from crisis but not yet got it. I’m still really agitated and quite honestly failing to fight the urge to replace my blade. I say failing, but I suppose the fact I haven’t yet replaced them is winning; however, I was gonna get a razor and take out the blade, but my sister came upstairs, and hasn’t left.

I have a massive urge to go to a nearby field/pedestrian walkway thing, go to a bit I know is quite secluded and cut and overdose. I’m scared of life and I don’t wanna live it anymore.

Thoughts

Today, I made an emergency decision to try and talk to Steph. I went to the counselling place, and she was free. I saw her and told her all about the suicidal thoughts, everything.

She suggested a place called Brendan House. You get referred for a 3-night stay, then after that, you can self refer 3 more times in a 6-month period.

It’s a mental health facility, but not like a mental hospital. It’s just like a break in a safe place away from home life. Steph has asked me to consider it but if its a place where I’m gonna be sat for 3 days thinking, I don’t think it would help much. Steph said she’s gonna ring me in a couple days to see how I am, so I can ask her more about it then.

She also has pushed my therapist referral. Unfortunately, I have to have a reassessment, but I now have a date- 7th October.

I just am in such a mess right now. Everything about life sucks and I just can’t see the light anymore.

However, I just had a bath and came up with something I wanna do. At counselling, I was referred to a 9-week group thing. It was really good, but the only problem was I am 21 years old, everyone else was mid-30s and older. I’m not saying they are old, I mean we are meeting for coffee tomorrow, but it would be nice if there was a thing at the same place where under 30s can meet and socialise. I’m also gonna suggest that when Steph rings me in a couple days.