Insomnia Worries

For years I have had troubles with insomnia. The worst of it getting so bad to only be getting 1-2 hours sleep at night. 

Doctors never seem to give me any long term help. I get given 7-14 Zopiclone tablets, 1 to be take when needed. My last prescription was at the beginning of March for 7 tablets, supposed to last me 2 weeks as you’re not supposed to take one every night, they lasted me about 9 days. 

When I go through these huge insomniac spells, the only thing that ever works is those Zopiclone tablets and I become so desperate to sleep, I don’t follow those rules. They never usually last but 1 nights sleep followed by a sleepless night doesn’t sort me out. I need a good 7 days of decent sleep to rest my body and function properly. So that’s the reason I don’t follow the instructions.

So it’s been 2-3 weeks since I ran out of my 7 Zopiclone tablets. Then I had a couple of nights where I had decent sleep without them, then fell back into nights of tossing and turning, where no matter how or where you lie, you can’t get comfortable. I can’t even explain how frustrated I got, how each day the struggle to get out of bed became worse. 

For the last 5/6 nights, I’ve slept pretty well. Falling asleep is still tough but once I’m asleep, I’ve actually been in a deep sleep and slept for about 5/6 hours. My mood has slowly been getting better now that I’m sleeping better but there’s always a worry that ‘tonight I probably won’t sleep. This isn’t going to last for long’. 

I dread going to bed. I never know if I’m going to be falling asleep or if I’m going to lie for hours on end waiting for a decent time to say “it’s time to wake up”, an acceptable time to get up and dressed and start the day. 

I hope these last few nights last, I doubt they will but it’d be so nice. 

Moving On: Day 43

Today has been okay. I’m still feeling really exhausted and I don’t know why. I’m not sleeping but this is more exhaustion than tiredness, if that makes sense?

I woke up and went to my job interview. I’m not sure how it went, and if I get the job I will accept it but I just really don’t feel excited about it. I was expecting waitressing and bar work but it seems to be bar and kitchen. I really don’t want to be doing kitchen work. I hate it but a job is a job and if I get it then that’s better than nothing. I am going in on Wednesday to meet the head chef. And see where it goes from then.

I came home, helped my dad put away the shopping and then went to bed. I played on Sims and I watched some more Orange is the New Black. I’m now half way through season 2 and I’m trying to not watch it a often so that I can make it last longer. I then dozed off and slept for a couple of hours.

I came downstairs around 4.30pm and had sandwich. I then text a couple of friends and arranged to meet Pikachu on Wednesday afternoon.

This evening, I have watched X factor and now watching big Brother. Me and my dad also got hungry so had a Chinese.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I went to my job interview
2) I had a Chinese
3) I arranged to meet Pikachu

Today’s Score: 3/5

Moving On: Day 42

Weeeell, today has been a mixed sorta day. I woke up feeling very exhausted and tired and emotional.

I went to my, “ever joyous” job centre appointment, shaw trust appointment and then my doctors appointment.

I love my doctor, I’ve been through several in my surgery before I found one that took me seriously, especially regarding my insomnia. But today, I felt a little annoyed. She said some people just naturally have negative personalities where they’re not constantly bouncing off the walls and do see things negatively, like Victor Meldrew. Except V.M isn’t depressed because he keeps himself busy throughout the day doing things he enjoys. He is just grumpy. But with you don’t keep yourself busy, you do things to distract you from your mood once you are low, rather than planning little treats throughout the day to stop you getting low. It made sense, and I will try to do that. What annoyed me was the way she said it, and the way I interpreted what she said seemed like she meant “you just need to pull yourself together”. I just came out of the doctors feeling a little like I was an item on a conveyer belt going in, then out then the next person. It didn’t feel as “personal” as normal if you get me, more of I’m just a job to her. I know I am just that, and I’m not sure I’m making sense but yeah. Maybe it was just me feeling emotional and exhausted, who knows.

I then came out of the doctors and saw my bus turn the corner. I had missed it. So I looked around questioning what to do. I can’t walk home because yesterday, at Alton Towers, I flared up an old ankle injury and walking hurts at the moment. I saw the pub, I don’t have any money but I know this pub are always after staff around Christmas, and from my appointment at shaw trust, I had a bunch of speculative letters and CVs in my bag, so I handed on in.

I went to wait for the next bus, the the pub manager rung me to invite me to an interview tomorrow morning. So yay me! I hate bar work, I did 2 hours last year and never went back, but hopefully this will 1)be different and 2)they serve food so I hope to waitress more than serve alcohol.
So, fingers crossed.

Then I came home and watched some TV but was falling asleep so came to my bedroom and slept for a couple of hours. And the evening has just been watching more TV with my parents.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I went to all 3 appointments
2) I arranged a job interview for tomorrow
3) I had a chippy

Today’s score: 3/5

Moving On: Day 39

Today has been a good day.

I listened to the sleeping app again and slept quite well. I woke up and chilled out for a bit and then sorted myself out and looked for work; I applied for a couple of jobs, including Xmas jobs.

I then skyped my friend and had a little bit of an emotional chat. After our chat, I watched more Orange is the new Black. I am quite obsessed with that at the moment.

My mum cooked some shepherds pie and I ate that, then videoed my mum doing the Ice Bucket Challenge, then she nominated me so I did mine! My brother has special needs and decided he wanted to join in, so I braved it out and let him chuck a bowl of water over me before my dad chucked the ice bucket over me. Safe to say, it was freezing! I do rated a few times, £3 isn’t enough, but I am also going to donate to my friend B who is getting money for a mental health charity. I have a couple of pictures from my challenge. I’ve done the nominations but there are certain people I would loveeee to nominate!

Tonight has been chilled, after a hot shower. And me and B have organised to meet up next week so I have something to look forward to.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I looked and applied for jobs
2) I did the ice bucket challenge
3) I organised meeting B

Today’s Score: 4/5

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Moving On: Day 37

Another sleepless night and another tired day! I really hate insomnia and I think, if my doctor is back off holiday this week, I might go back and have a little moan.

I spent the morning watching Orange is the new black. It seems to be popular so I thought that I would try it out and see what the fuss is about. I really enjoyed it. I have only watched 3 episodes but so far so good!

It was then lunch time and my sister’s boyfriend had Sunday lunch with us. They then went back to his and I went back upstairs and went on my laptop to speak to my friend.

It’s basically been a typical lazy Sunday. This evening I came downstairs and watched the X Factor and Big Brother and now am watching something called 50 ways to Kill Your Mammy but I’m finding it quite boring and I’m so tired so I might just go to bed and see if I actually sleep tonight.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I watched Orange Is The New Black
2) I spoke to my friend
3) I had a jam donut

Today’s Score: 2/5

Moving On: Day 35

Hello guys,

So today has been fun and so so so tiring!

I got up and went to an activity day with the peer mentoring thing I do. We did a maze cave and a rope obstacle course. I then went to my fitness class tonight.

The activity morning was amazing! Quite honestly, I’m not an outdoorsy person but this was great. We first did the rope course and that was fun but exhausting! Plus majorly tough for a midget like me to reach the ropes and things that we needed to hold on to. Then, after a brunch thing, we did caving. It wasn’t real caves just something made of wood, but called a ‘maze cave’. It’s great for little people but horrid if you hate tight spaces and the dark which apparently, I realised today, I kinda do. The best part was a slight ball pit it the maze. You slide down a little slide into balls and it’s awesome! The morning kinda killed me off!

But I went into the city after, had a McDonald’s and chilled for a couple of hours before going to my class.

My class was good, we worked really hard and I’m already aching but hey! If you enjoy the workout then why not do it?? Lol

I’m home now and completely shattered. Keep sneezing so am either getting a slight cold or the outdoors stuff has given me slight hay fever although I can’t see how that is still affecting me. I hope, because I’ve had a busy day and I am really tired, that sleep will come easy to me tonight!

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I went to the activity morning
2) I worked well in the team
3) I’ve done a lot of exercise today

Today’s score: 4/5

Moving on: Day 34

Well, I am tired! I had no sleep whatsoever last night even though I was shattered. It got to about 7am and then I fell asleep for a couple of hours.

I woke at around 11.30am, went downstairs to my brother, had something to eat and then made a start on cooking a curry. It’s the first curry I’ve ever made alone without Pikachu or my sister. Well, 2nd but the time before went wrong. This time, I googled a Nigella recipe and kinda followed that but changed it a little. I don’t like spicy food so when the main bit was done, I got some out for myself leaving the rest for my parents and brother, and adding more chillies and spices.

It turned out really nice! Honestly, my dad is fussy whenever I cook, he always moans but today he complimented it and said it was really nice; and he wants me to make it again on Saturday for the BBQ. So I gotta work out how to turn enough for 4 to enough to go around my family (who have no idea of portion control! And if you say make for 12, does that also mean you triple the spices? Or does that just make it hotter? (I’m not a great cook)

I then showered and got ready for gymnastics. Gym was good but quite tiring. Usually we just work on our own thing but today the coach was being coach and getting us to do all sorts. One thing was to jump up onto the horse box (is that what it’s called?) and
I couldn’t do it, I blame my height! I also figured out how scared of heights I am, things just went blurry when I was standing on that thing and being made to jump off. I could only do it twice! Which brings me onto tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going on an activity day with the peer mentoring people I work with – a bonding session for mentors. We are caving and doing a high wire! I am going to be so bad at high wire!!!! Then, in the evening I am going to my fitness class and so if I don’t sleep tomorrow night then I will be dead for the BBQ!

Ps. Loving my new phone!

Today’s 3 positives:
1) I made an amazing chicken curry
2) I went to gymnastics
3) I spoke on the phone to Pikachu

Today’s Score: 4/5

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