Sunday 30th June

It’s past midnight,, but I almost forgot to post about my 3 positives. I’ve noticed that my positives have only been about the day, when I can actually post about me, although I don’t know what to write about me anyway.
Here are my 3 positives:
• I’m a kind person
• I watched Big Rich Texas
• I treated myself to a huge bar of chocolate.

Goodnight peoples xx

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Worry is a misuse of imagination

This title says it all. When we worry about something, all we are doing is imagining the worst things that could happen. If we were to imagine the best, we wouldn’t worry.

I don’t know the point where I ended up worrying about things. I remember when I was really young, I would climb on top of my wardrobe and jump onto my bed, I would walk along the banister at the top of the stairs, I would see how high I could climb a tree. Nothing bad ever happened to me, until one time I was on a high wall, and I couldn’t get down. My Dad was telling me off and telling me to get down, but I looked down and froze. From that point, I’ve been slightly scared of heights.
I worked with kids, and through my training, we learnt you have to allow children to takes risks, that way they can learn by their mistakes (IE climbing a wall and getting stuck). As adults, our mistakes have bigger consequences, but if we still get a lesson from it, then all is not bad.

Each morning, I wake up panicky because I worry about things. And today, I’ve thought that I can either worry and make life miserable to things that may or may not happen, or live each day as best as I can without worrying, and if things happen, I have to just deal with them there and then. Nothing can change what will or won’t happen. Worrying just brings you down.

Calm

For a long time now, at night things usually race through my mind, and I become stressed, anxious and fidgety.
Tonight, I still have things racing through my mind, however I’m not getting the feelings I usually get. I just feel really calm. I’ve come to bed, and had a random little cry and that’s it.
The things I usually worry about are still there. My head still has all these “what ifs” but there’s no emotion. I’m just too tired I think for any emotion.

Now this is the mad, confusing part. I don’t like this calmness; it feels strange. It’s not normal. I didn’t think I liked the stressfulness that kept me awake, but actually, I miss it. That stress was preparing me for possible scenarios that may happen in life. I suppose it’s an unhealthy way to live, but having a plan of action comforted me somewhat.

But, you know that cleché, “Don’t speak too soon”; well I took my Fluoxetine about 30 mins ago and I just started twitching my feet, a sure sign of agitation for me.

Now I’m confused whether I want the calm, or the agitation. Haha! Welcome to my brain, confusion welcome!

So It’s A Saturday

Today has been a weird sort of day. I woke up feeling really low, like I wanted to cut, really bad, but I started drawing and finished off my nails (I only did one hand yesterday). I really distracted myself. A long time ago, I drew a picture of a girl with no features, and wrote all my negatives and insecurities in that girl; today I decided to do a positive one, and will work on it, so far I only have ‘kind’, but I’m sure I can show Steph and she can point out more positives, she usually does.

Then, if you remember a few nights ago, I posted about true friends, and the person I felt hurt by rung me today and explained a lot. I’m not sure how much I can say but it’s really freaked me out and seriously messed with my head, but me and that friend are OK now.

Overall, I think it’s been a decent sort of day; here are my 3 positives:
•I didn’t cut again!
•I spoke to my friend
•I’ve lasted all day without falling asleep randomly

Apologies

Being scared of things happening is not fun. Constant panic attacks leave me feel dizzy, full of headaches, and along with the sleepless nights, I’m exhausted. I came on here to write about my constant feeling of panic, but as soon as I started, I had an epiphany (I think).

For most of the time that I was in contact with C, she was scared for me, she had sleepless nights, and it made her unwell. Until now, I’ve known this, and known it must have upset her to end up ringing the police, but now I understand the exact feelings she had when I said things were happening. I understand how devastated and hurt, and angry she must have been when she found out I was lying.

This isn’t nice, and I unintentionally put someone I cared about through this. I have my reasons, and none were to intentionally hurt her, but they have.

I’ve wanted to say sorry to C before, and before it was a case of knowing why I was saying sorry, and saying it. Don’t get me wrong, I truly felt sorry and meant it; but now I understand everything a lot more, I understand that although I am sorry for hurting her, sorry is just a word, and really, a simple sorry won’t ever be enough to repay the hurt is caused her.

I’m Going Crazy

Today, like the last few days, has been massively low. I just can’t seem to cheer up, and my anxiety has gone up a lot. Today, I have panicked so much about silly things.
Today, I got so panicky that I was sat by my bedroom window seeing if anyone was coming into my street. Scared to move.
My suicidal thoughts have been at a high again. I just feel like I’m really struggling, and honestly I don’t know how much more I can struggle for.

Anyway, here are my 3 positives for today, though actually it’s quite tough tonight.
•I haven’t cut again
•I went for a walk
•I painted my nails (picture in this blog)

Positives

At counselling, with the different counsellor, because Steph was ill, I was told to build self esteem, I need to get my brain used to positives. She said to not down at the end of each day write 3 positives down, they can be about myself, or about the day in general.

So let’s do this!

Today’s positives:
• I spoke to a counsellor who I didn’t know.
•I’ve taken my antidepressants for the second night
•I’ve not cut today