A Breakthrough?

Yesterday morning, I was trying to pay some of my fine and it wasn’t working.
As usual, I rung the number, put in the division number and then my account number. My account number starts with 1, but when the automated system would repeat back to me, it said “2,1”, and I tried it 3 or 4 times. So, I decided I’d go online. I got to the part of the form where I had to type my account number, and it said “Your account number must include 8 numbers and follow with a letter”. The number I had been given was more than 8 numbers, and doesn’t contain any letters, so I panicked that maybe none of my fine had been paid.

I found another number that I could try and ring but this time there was 7 options. My sister was playing a game on the playstation, and I had missed what option I had to press a fair few times. Each time, I asked her to please be quiet, but then one point, she proper yelled at the game. I ended the call, yelled at her to “shut the f up” and threw my phone at her. (My friend who had stayed the night later commented how she had never seen me so angry before). I came to my bedroom, eventually got through to someone and paid some off my fine. I still felt angry, and really emotional, the urge to cut was high but I felt too emotionally drained to do anything. I just lay on my bed and cried.

I felt so good that when I felt like cutting, I just through my bag out of the way and fought that urge. I probably would have earned a lot of points with the way I felt, and although I’m happy I fought it, I am also angry I didn’t earn some points. But, however small, there is a small breakthrough that I didn’t cut.

Miley Cyrus Rant

used to be a huge fan of Miley Cyrus when she was with Disney, but I admit her lifestyle isn’t that great now. What pees me off is all this crap about VMAs… She’s not Disney anymore, she’s a 20 year old with a taste in some fashion (admittedly not my cup of tea)… But Lady Gaga was wearing thongs and shell bra and nothing was said.Taylor Swift was bitchy to Harry Styles all night, and not much has been said.

Because of her Dad, Miley has always been in the public eye, knows what can or won’t be said about her and still goes for what she wants to do. She’s a young, strong independent woman, having fun and I don’t see any problems with that.

Not great

As you may know, I’ve got worse. I’ve been told if I don’t cut enough to give me 100 points, I’m gonna kill myself by 1st September. I’ve been staying at a friends Friday-Monday, and she stayed at mine last night, but I’m still getting worse. I have managed to put off cutting being with her family and her, but I’m still getting thoughts, and this voice telling me to cut is getting louder.

I tried to ring Steph this morning, but she’s not in at all this week, So I asked if the other leader of the group that I attended was in, but she’s also off this week; so I just said it didn’t matter as I find it hard to trust and talk to people.

But by next Tuesday, when Steph is back, it might be too late. I felt like crying when I was told she wasn’t in. I just don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to cut, but live with this voice yelling at me. If I cut, I’m sure I’ll just feel worse, and guilty.

I’m such a fucking mess!

100 points

The voice in my head jumped up a notch this morning. I’ve been cut-free for a week now and the voice doesn’t like it.

This morning, I was feeling low, and the first thing I heard was the voice. It said i wasn’t allowed to be happy or chilled out (spending this weekend at a friends, away from family), and that if i wasn’t going to cut, and do as ‘he’ wants, he shall have to work harder at making me realise what a waste of space life is.

Cutting is now a game. For me to carry on living, I have to get 100 points by the 1st September. ‘he’ will judge the cuts and the bigger/deeper they are, the higher the points. If I fail to get 100 points by September 1st, he will make me kill myself.

I need to speak with Steph, my counsellor, but she’s closed my file so that I can be re-referred to a therapist, plus I know she’s not in until wednesday. I have no idea what I’m gonna do, I need to beat this game and get 100 points but I don’t wanna cut!!!

I’m living in hell

I hate life right now.
What I did was wrong, and my first court appearance was published in a local paper; back in February. About 3 weeks ago, I received a death threat and since then my anxiety has more than doubled. Its got so bad that for the last 3 weeks, I’ve not been able to go anywhere alone.

Going counselling, or the group I’ve had to be taken and picked up. And the last 2 times at group, towards the end, I’ve panicked big time doubting there would be someone there waiting for me. Last week, I was asking Steph if she could ring reception and see if my friends mum was there and ended up dizzy and had to sit down.

I really don’t wanna live like this anymore. I’m terrified. All because of a thing in the paper in February.

Tomorrow, I have to go to group alone, and come home alone. I’m unsure if I can actually do that!

I’m back on sleeping tablets, though I’ve decided to only take them if I feel the need. I don’t want to take them daily like before (which I’ve recently learned you’re not meant to). I don’t want to become reliant on them, and I’m trying to get into a sleeping routine; but so far, if I don’t take them I’m laying awake till way after 4am. Then, I end up falling asleep in the afternoon which isn’t doing me any favours.

I’m so fed up of life now. The depression, anxiety, sleep issues, and having no job. The voice in my head tells me life is pointless, that I should die. I keep giving blades to Steph, but still always manage to cut! My will power argues with my voice and tells it things will get better. It’s the only thing keeping me half sane right now, but even that isn’t speaking up as much now.

Maybe I should just listen to the voice, give up trying to make things better. It is a pointless battle anyway. Maybe dying isn’t so bad?

Day 40… I cut again

This weekend was meant to a great weekend. My parents and brother have gone camping, and I’ve got 2 friends staying tonight and tomorrow, having a girlie time etc…

I tidied up mine and my sisters bedroom (we share), and the bathroom. I accidentally put my sisters pyjama bottoms in the wardrobe, and tonight, she couldn’t find them.

She kicked up a massive fuss, sent spam texts, I went up to find them and when I came down, I had 75 texts!!

I just broke down, with everything that’s gone on lately I just melted. I ran to the bathroom and cut. One of friends caught me and has taken my blade off me.

I knew I’d break sooner or later. The urge for the last 2 weeks has been huge, and the suicidal feelings have been strong too.

On Wednesday, I had counselling and Steph said for me to be bump me up to a counsellor, she’d have to close my file and get my doctor to re-refer me; which has been done, but there is like an 8-week waiting list. I dunno how I’m gonna cope.

Wednesday is gonna be the last group session, which Steph runs, and I’m gonna tell her I cut and that I can’t cope anymore. I’m just way too messed up!