Light gives hope

Hi guys! 

Today has been a productive day. My sister went back to her boyfriend’s house at the weekend so my Hamster, Harley got to have is usual house back. (My sister hated him in the bedroom so he was in a small cage on the landing). So today has been spent getting my bedroom back to how I like it now that I don’t have to share it and taking photos of Harley enjoying his big cage.  

Tonight has been relaxing, me watching shows on Netflix, light dimmed and candles lit. 

I looked at one candle and decided that the way the wax was melting, to me, was pretty so I took a few photos until I had taken the perfect candle photo. If you have me on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram then you have probably already seen it. 

Just as I was admiring my ‘amazing’ photography skills, I remembered a quote – my favourite quote actually. I think the quote was originally said by someone else but I’m not sure. How I came across the quote is by watching Harry Potter. In the Prisoner of Azkaban, you are introduced to Dementors, a magical monster that drains all happiness from you, makes to world go icey cold, makes you feel as though you’ll never be happy again and makes you relive your most awful memories. The Dementors are JK Rowling’s metaphor for depression. I have often felt as if I have had Dementors following me constantly. 

I’m a massive Harry Potter fan and during one of my own ‘Dementor attacks’, I was watching Harry Potter and Dumbledore said,

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light”

This quote has never left me and has always helped me through difficult parts of my life. Because of that, I wanted to share you this edited photo of my candle. 

(PS I am usually rubbish at taking photos, this one makes me proud and happy) 

 

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Moving On: Day 102

Trigger Warning loss/grief/suicide

Late last night or should I say early morning, I woke up and felt extremely low. I don’t know even know how to describe how I was feeling. I don’t think I was even low. I don’t think I even felt any kind of strong emotion. I just woke up and the voices had returned telling me that if I didn’t kill myself, bad things would happen. I have no idea where them thoughts sprouted from but they hit me hard. The thoughts of killing myself kept going through my mind; how I’d do it, when, would I just do it or leave a note??? All of these things were bugging me.
Somehow, I managed to fall asleep and I woke up at around 10:30am. Things then became emotional. The fact that this month is November hit me. November 28th 2013, I had a phone call and the words have never left my mind, “Hello Jade, it’s T Coral’s mum. It’s not good news I’m afraid. Coral died this morning”. That moment, my heart broke. Coral and I had been friends all our lives. Literally. When I was 1 and a half years, my mum and dad moved into the house we are in now. At the same time, Coral’s mum had moved in the same street and our parents became friends. I obviously don’t remember that far back, but I’m told that when our parents came round each other’s house, we would play together, coral, my sister and me. At 2 years old, we went to the same playgroup and then primary school. We went to different highschools and when she was 13, they moved across country – a 4 hour drive away. We still wrote letters to each other and phoned each other and when MSN became available we spoke pretty much every night. When Coral would come back to this town, she would usually stay at mine. She also came to our birthdays and on the year anniversary of her heart transplant we spent the day at Alton Towers.
At the end of October/ beginning of November last year Coral was telling me that she was really unwell, that she had conory artery disease and angina and that she could probably never have kids. I felt heart broken for her. All of my problems felt tiny compared to hers but I told myself “coral wasn’t meant to live. As a baby, her mum was told to take her home to die. She would get through this.” A few weeks later and I get that phone call.
So today, all of these memories flooded my head and I just felt lost. I really just wanted to Facebook her or call her, I want to be able to send a Christmas card soon. It bloody hurts a lot despite it being almost a year.

Anyways, after getting up, I took a walk, came home and had lunch and then went to bed. I’m still not well and the walk just exhausted me. I then cleaned up my room a little – picking things up, dusting and hoovering. Then I came downstairs and watched TV and patiently waited for my nan/grandad to come round with my stew. At a around 7pm, the stew arrived and I are it up.

I’ve since been sat playing games and watching TV.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I took a walk
2) I had my nan’s stew
3) I spoke to a friend

Today’s score: 1/5

Moving On: Day 101

Right so, I’ve decided that I can’t write this every night. It’s getting a bit samey but I also don’t think that I have fully been able to move on yet. I keep trying and trying then my thoughts that I try and keep locked up seem to appear and I have a massive moan on here or on Twitter. Some times it’s just my thoughts can’t keep locked up and hidden, other times something sets it off – like last night, I read old messages and the memories came flooding back.
So, I am going to give myself another 100 days of “Moving On” and this time, I am going to try harder. I am not going to hide thoughts anymore. That obviously doesn’t help.
I’ve obviously moved on a little because I’m able to go dad by day without checking on what C puts but I haven’t gone that far to where I can sit and watch TV or look on Facebook and read or see something that reminds me of her.
Today, I was FB messaging a friend and his sentence was “ok little one” as a joke because I’m small. He was just simply pretending to agree with something but C used to call me “little one” and BAM! There I was having a flashback of me sat on the bed crying down the phone to her and her calling it me. And there’s that dancing pony advert that reminds me of her ponies or if I see a shihtzu dog, I remember her dogs and I miss her and her little stories about them.
That is what I want to go away. I want to move on to be able to see those things on not think about her and not get upset about losing her.
I still forgive her, I get angry and upset but I still forgive her. I understand a lot of the reasons she wants to hurt me – if I was her I would want to hurt me but my understanding of why has enabled me to forgive her.
So, bring on Day 200 and hopefully my post then will be full of positivity and C won’t be there, in my head all the time.

Today was (supposedly) the first day of my new job. I was nervous and didn’t sleep well last night, plus I am full of cold and have a cough and so am feeling really unwell.
5am – alarm goes off
5:15 – I get up
5:50 – dad drives me to town
6:20- bus finally arrives (was meant to arrive at 6.13)
7.20 – arrive at work (Don’t start till 8am but bus times means I have to get there early)
Whilst at work, me and 2 others went in, a guy asked if it’s our introduction day, we assume our answer is yes and we get told to wait in the canteen. Someone tells us to go upstairs, people upstairs tell up to go back down. After hanging around, another girl who was starting with us turns up, so there are 4 of us with no idea where to go and we got told to go back upstairs, ask for “Alan” and he will give us a badge. Alan wasn’t part of the team we were working for and we got told to go back downstairs.
Back in the canteen, at around 8:05am, the right person came to us, did a little talk about health and safety, had us sign a form and said “you start on Friday, the shifts are 4 on, 4 off. We are all majorly pissed off that we had to get up early just to sign a friggin form. Anyway, the girl who came in last drives (except she lives in a village away from our town so can’t give us a lift into work) but said that since we weren’t working she was going to go into town and gave us a lift back into town to save us waiting in the cold for a bus. I got home at around 9.15am.

I then watched a little tv but either/ or a combination of both waking up early or being sick, I felt drained and so went back to bed and slept for a couple of hours.
At around 2pm, I went back downstairs and watched TV.

And dinner time, I felt hungry and cold and wanted something that would help my cold. I really wanted my Nan’s stew (she makes the best!). So, on a whim, I rung and asked if she had done any today. She hadn’t but being her eldest grand daughter and pushing the fact I am sick, she said she would do a stew tomorrow for me. She always calls me “Nanny’s little angel” and I kind of am… Get away with anything with my nan.
So today, I just had a jacket potato.
I then watched TV and chilled out feeling sorry for myself.
I was about to come to bed, again feeling drained, at 9pm but then Gotham came on TV and for once, everyone else was in bed so I had the chance to watch it on time instead of having to watch it on demand.

I’m now in bed, really damn cold!! And hopefully I will sleep better tonight. Although, the rate I’m sneezing at the moment I might not sleep. I did get told a sneeze is 1/8 of an orgasm. I’ve sneezed so many times I’ve lost count but it’s been more than 8 times and I’m quite disappointed that I haven’t had an orgasm. I mean if you’re gonna be sick, the least your body can do is give you something to enjoy huh??? LOL

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I actually managed to wake up
2) I watched Gotham
3) I spoke to R.. (Someone I kinda like)

Today’s Score: 3/5

Sorry for the long post and especially the rant thing at the beginning.

Moving On: Day 101

Right so, I’ve decided that I can’t write this every night. It’s getting a bit samey but I also don’t think that I have fully been able to move on yet. I keep trying and trying then my thoughts that I try and keep locked up seem to appear and I have a massive moan on here or on Twitter. Some times it’s just my thoughts can’t keep locked up and hidden, other times something sets it off – like last night, I read old messages and the memories came flooding back.
So, I am going to give myself another 100 days of “Moving On” and this time, I am going to try harder. I am not going to hide thoughts anymore. That obviously doesn’t help.
I’ve obviously moved on a little because I’m able to go dad by day without checking on what C puts but I haven’t gone that far to where I can sit and watch TV or look on Facebook and read or see something that reminds me of her.
Today, I was FB messaging a friend and his sentence was “ok little one” as a joke because I’m small. He was just simply pretending to agree with something but C used to call me “little one” and BAM! There I was having a flashback of me sat on the bed crying down the phone to her and her calling it me. And there’s that dancing pony advert that reminds me of her ponies or if I see a shihtzu dog, I remember her dogs and I miss her and her little stories about them.
That is what I want to go away. I want to move on to be able to see those things on not think about her and not get upset about losing her.
I still forgive her, I get angry and upset but I still forgive her. I understand a lot of the reasons she wants to hurt me – if I was her I would want to hurt me but my understanding of why has enabled me to forgive her.
So, bring on Day 200 and hopefully my post then will be full of positivity and C won’t be there, in my head all the time.

Today was (supposedly) the first day of my new job. I was nervous and didn’t sleep well last night, plus I am full of cold and have a cough and so am feeling really unwell.
5am – alarm goes off
5:15 – I get up
5:50 – dad drives me to town
6:20- bus finally arrives (was meant to arrive at 6.13)
7.20 – arrive at work (Don’t start till 8am but bus times means I have to get there early)
Whilst at work, me and 2 others went in, a guy asked if it’s our introduction day, we assume our answer is yes and we get told to wait in the canteen. Someone tells us to go upstairs, people upstairs tell up to go back down. After hanging around, another girl who was starting with us turns up, so there are 4 of us with no idea where to go and we got told to go back upstairs, ask for “Alan” and he will give us a badge. Alan wasn’t part of the team we were working for and we got told to go back downstairs.
Back in the canteen, at around 8:05am, the right person came to us, did a little talk about health and safety, had us sign a form and said “you start on Friday, the shifts are 4 on, 4 off. We are all majorly pissed off that we had to get up early just to sign a friggin form. Anyway, the girl who came in last drives (except she lives in a village away from our town so can’t give us a lift into work) but said that since we weren’t working she was going to go into town and gave us a lift back into town to save us waiting in the cold for a bus. I got home at around 9.15am.

I then watched a little tv but either/ or a combination of both waking up early or being sick, I felt drained and so went back to bed and slept for a couple of hours.
At around 2pm, I went back downstairs and watched TV.

And dinner time, I felt hungry and cold and wanted something that would help my cold. I really wanted my Nan’s stew (she makes the best!). So, on a whim, I rung and asked if she had done any today. She hadn’t but being her eldest grand daughter and pushing the fact I am sick, she said she would do a stew tomorrow for me. She always calls me “Nanny’s little angel” and I kind of am… Get away with anything with my nan.
So today, I just had a jacket potato.
I then watched TV and chilled out feeling sorry for myself.
I was about to come to bed, again feeling drained, at 9pm but then Gotham came on TV and for once, everyone else was in bed so I had the chance to watch it on time instead of having to watch it on demand.

I’m now in bed, really damn cold!! And hopefully I will sleep better tonight. Although, the rate I’m sneezing at the moment I might not sleep. I did get told a sneeze is 1/8 of an orgasm. I’ve sneezed so many times I’ve lost count but it’s been more than 8 times and I’m quite disappointed that I haven’t had an orgasm. I mean if you’re gonna be sick, the least your body can do is give you something to enjoy huh??? LOL

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I actually managed to wake up
2) I watched Gotham
3) I spoke to R.. (Someone I kinda like)

Today’s Score: 3/5

Sorry for the long post and especially the rant thing at the beginning.

Moving on: Day 97

Right now, I feel shit! I’ll explain why in a bit but let’s just start with today…

This morning, I woke up and had to go to Shaw Trust to fill out some forms to be able to be given a 4-week bus pass so I can get to work. I felt really tired this morning. It seems like I have just been busy every day this week and I’m really exhausted.
After getting the pass, I came home and ate the donuts I bought from Alton Towers yesterday. They’re only small donuts so I bought 5, but they’re so addictive!! I ate one, then thought I’d have another, an hour later I had another then somehow I had eaten 4 and felt slightly sick. (I ate the 5th after my dinner – totally not gonna be able to slack off at all at cheerleading tomorrow night)

This afternoon, I just felt like I couldn’t stay awake and so went to bed and napped until about 2:45pm. I then lay in bed playing a bingo game I have on my phone.
Tomorrow for cheerleading (it being Halloween), we get to dress up. It’s not normal ghost and witches dress up, it’s themed as “When I grow up I wanna be…” And I don’t really have cash to buy an outfit, I have several fancy dress outfits already but they’re all a bit X-rated. The only outfit that is suitable for cheerleading is a zebra outfit I have so, “When I grow up, I want to be a Zebra” LOL…. Because of that, I painted my nails in a zebra print design and also caught up on this weeks Hollyoaks.
At around 5:30pm, I went downstairs to get something to eat. I couldn’t really see anything I liked so got some oven cook potato hoops and had a plate full of them and some bread.
My dad then came home.

Earlier on, my mum told me my dad is starting work earlier and so would probably give me a lift into town to get the bus at 6.12am to get to work. So, I asked my dad.
He really kicked off big time. It really annoys me because when my sister was at home and going to work, he would usually give her a lift into town, whenever she wants picking up from anywhere, he does it. BUT ME, I get yelled at, get told “well you should have thought about all of this when you went for the job” it was basically a “no” then he said “I’ll be leaving at 5:50am. You had better be up and ready then I’m just leaving and when you get paid, it’s £5 a week diesel”… I’m thankful he said yes but this is what has made me feel shit. My sister can get anything from him, whenever he drove her to town, she never had to pay for diesel. She never got yelled at for asking for a lift. I hate it. For once, if I ask my mum or dad for a favour I would just like them to say “yes” without moaning or complaining like they do with T.

Now, I’ve just had a bath to try and calm me down but it didn’t work so I decided to write this.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I ate 5 donuts
2) I painted my nails
3) I spoke to Pilachu

Today’s Score: 2/5

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Moving On: Day 75

Well I’m feeling a bit shit whilst writing this.
The day started of okay, I woke up feeling tired but I had planned to have a good, positive day. As planned yesterday, even if I felt crap, to pretend to be okay and happy and maybe confuse my brain into believing I am.

My alarm went off at 9am, I got up and showered and sorted myself out. I found a mobile hairdresser a few days ago and today, I was getting my hair cut. I told her how much I wanted off, and my hair is still quite long. You should have seen the amount of hair chopped off, yet I still have a nice length so you can imagine how long my hair had actually got.
After my hair cut, I felt good. I felt like “Yes, this day is going to be good like I planned”

Nope, it went downhill.

I looked in my diary and I hadn’t written in my therapy appointment so I thought I would ring up and double check my appointment was at 1.30pm. I’m glad I rung up because it was actually 12.30.
I rushed about and left.

Before my appointment, I had planned to go and get my DBS (police check) photocopied and hand it in to the Peer Mentoring place. I did that then went therapy.

I sat in the waiting room and 12.30 came. The receptionist came out and told me that A was stuck in traffic and is a little late. He arrived at about 12.45 and we went upstairs. He then said he needed to go to the toilet and sort my file out and he would be 5 mins. 10 mins later her came in with the question form I have to fill out each time about how I’ve been. He then said he was going to get a drink and asked if I wanted one (I asked for water). Finally, 1pm he was in the room and we began our session.
1.25pm “I have another appointment now so we have to end it there”. So, an appointment that is supposed to be an hour didn’t happen, usually with A we only have 45 minutes though but today, after everything was sorted, we only had 25 minutes.
A is a great person to talk to but he never really helps me. The sessions are short and there is usually about 3 weeks between sessions. My next appointment is 5th November!
My friend B, has said I need to tell the receptionist and try and change my therapist or tell A that its not working so he can refer me to someone else but I can’t build up the courage to do that. I feel rude. I know I need to, but it’s hard.

I then came home feeling exhausted and went to bed, falling asleep for a couple of hours until my sister came home. When she got back, we watched The Lion King whilst eating crap food.

Halfway through the film, my stomach started really hurting and I felt sick. I ran to the bathroom and well… I’ll save you the gory details.
After that, I felt awful and didn’t feel like sitting up to watch the film so I was lay on my bed on my phone. I checked my emails.

Part of an email I received:
“I’ve tried calling you a couple of times but keep getting an engaged tone so thought best to email you. From the results on the DBS check we would be unable to employ you in a volunteer capacity or in a paid position due to the nature of the convictions on the DBS.”

There you go. The thing that’s completely, finally broken me. I didn’t apply for this job to access vulnerable people like people say. I wanted to do this to help people, to prevent them from going down the wrong path like I did and to help them. I thought that because I’ve been there, I’ve made bad choices, I’ve been through my own mental health issues, that I could help them too.
There’s nothing to say I can’t work with children but nothing is written down for adults. The problem is, this role is with young people. They work with 10-19 year olds and I assumed I could be a mentor to an over 16 but obviously not.

I feel awful. This was something I was really excited about. It’s my own fault. I made up horrid lies.
I don’t even know what to think or do.
I could easily not write this post. This post is going to make someone ecstatic, give them something to write about.
I don’t care anymore. Say what you want to say because nothing can destroy me more than what I already feel.
I’m not here to lie or make things up or make people feel awful. I’m here to try and move on with my life.

But now, how do I even move on now? One reason I was excited about starting this new role was because it would have been a great chance to move on and make a difference.
I can’t do that now.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I had my hair cut
2) I watched Lion King
3) my sister gave me a Batman top

Today’s Score: 1/5

Moving On: Day 70

Today has been a low sort of day. Again, I slept okay but I woke up feeling exhausted. I just feel so drained today it’s unbelievable.

My appointment time at the job centre has now been changed to a time that sucks. My time now means that I can’t make it to cheerleading on time. I mean I could go by train instead of bus and taxi from the train station but that’s quite pricey and I still end up being about 10 minutes late. Which isn’t too bad really, it just means I have to warm up and stretch on my own. I decided that if I have that spare extra money to go, I will.

So today I watched TV until about 12.30 then got ready and left for my appointment at Shaw Trust at 2pm. After my appointment, I decided to go into town instead of back home. So I walked around town a little and went to the library to use their computers. I applied for a couple of jobs and then went in Facebook and Twitter. I haven’t really used Facebook on a PC for a while, just on my phone so today when I went on the PC I saw I had a message in the ‘Others’ file.

This message was from a Kirsty Smith saying I’m a liar and blah blah blah. The usual shit I get. (Please come up with some more crap. I’m bored now!) This message was from September but what makes me really laugh (and the same has happened before) someone sends me a message and then blocks me so I can’t reply! Do you know what that’s tells me?? You’re a coward! You can’t handle me possibly replying to you so you hide behind a computer then block me. Really, if you haven’t got tits to allow me a reply don’t bother. I’ll always have bigger tits than any of you (quite literally, I’m an E cup). So yes, that quite angered me.

I then went to my job centre appointment, booked the next 2 Friday’s “off” for my holiday and came home.

I’m starting to feel a little better, tonsil wise, now. It still hurts to eat this making me the worlds slowest eater right now but I am eating and drinking pretty normally. The only issue is that I feel so so drained. I rung the doctors up again today for my test results, but they weren’t back so I have to try again Monday. Honestly, by the time Monday comes, I think my throat will be back to normal and the results will be pointless! I don’t know why it takes so long!

Back at home, I had some chips then came upstairs feeling tired. I didn’t mean to but I fell asleep and woke at around 7.30pm with my teddy bears ass in my face and my gripping onto my bag! I hope falling asleep earlier won’t affect me sleeping tonight.

I then went downstairs to watch X Factor, watched a bit more TV and plan on going bed soon.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I went into town
2) I booked a hair appointment for next week
3) I read some of The Night Rainbow

Today’s Score: 2/5