Well I’m feeling a bit shit whilst writing this.
The day started of okay, I woke up feeling tired but I had planned to have a good, positive day. As planned yesterday, even if I felt crap, to pretend to be okay and happy and maybe confuse my brain into believing I am.
My alarm went off at 9am, I got up and showered and sorted myself out. I found a mobile hairdresser a few days ago and today, I was getting my hair cut. I told her how much I wanted off, and my hair is still quite long. You should have seen the amount of hair chopped off, yet I still have a nice length so you can imagine how long my hair had actually got.
After my hair cut, I felt good. I felt like “Yes, this day is going to be good like I planned”
Nope, it went downhill.
I looked in my diary and I hadn’t written in my therapy appointment so I thought I would ring up and double check my appointment was at 1.30pm. I’m glad I rung up because it was actually 12.30.
I rushed about and left.
Before my appointment, I had planned to go and get my DBS (police check) photocopied and hand it in to the Peer Mentoring place. I did that then went therapy.
I sat in the waiting room and 12.30 came. The receptionist came out and told me that A was stuck in traffic and is a little late. He arrived at about 12.45 and we went upstairs. He then said he needed to go to the toilet and sort my file out and he would be 5 mins. 10 mins later her came in with the question form I have to fill out each time about how I’ve been. He then said he was going to get a drink and asked if I wanted one (I asked for water). Finally, 1pm he was in the room and we began our session.
1.25pm “I have another appointment now so we have to end it there”. So, an appointment that is supposed to be an hour didn’t happen, usually with A we only have 45 minutes though but today, after everything was sorted, we only had 25 minutes.
A is a great person to talk to but he never really helps me. The sessions are short and there is usually about 3 weeks between sessions. My next appointment is 5th November!
My friend B, has said I need to tell the receptionist and try and change my therapist or tell A that its not working so he can refer me to someone else but I can’t build up the courage to do that. I feel rude. I know I need to, but it’s hard.
I then came home feeling exhausted and went to bed, falling asleep for a couple of hours until my sister came home. When she got back, we watched The Lion King whilst eating crap food.
Halfway through the film, my stomach started really hurting and I felt sick. I ran to the bathroom and well… I’ll save you the gory details.
After that, I felt awful and didn’t feel like sitting up to watch the film so I was lay on my bed on my phone. I checked my emails.
Part of an email I received:
“I’ve tried calling you a couple of times but keep getting an engaged tone so thought best to email you. From the results on the DBS check we would be unable to employ you in a volunteer capacity or in a paid position due to the nature of the convictions on the DBS.”
There you go. The thing that’s completely, finally broken me. I didn’t apply for this job to access vulnerable people like people say. I wanted to do this to help people, to prevent them from going down the wrong path like I did and to help them. I thought that because I’ve been there, I’ve made bad choices, I’ve been through my own mental health issues, that I could help them too.
There’s nothing to say I can’t work with children but nothing is written down for adults. The problem is, this role is with young people. They work with 10-19 year olds and I assumed I could be a mentor to an over 16 but obviously not.
I feel awful. This was something I was really excited about. It’s my own fault. I made up horrid lies.
I don’t even know what to think or do.
I could easily not write this post. This post is going to make someone ecstatic, give them something to write about.
I don’t care anymore. Say what you want to say because nothing can destroy me more than what I already feel.
I’m not here to lie or make things up or make people feel awful. I’m here to try and move on with my life.
But now, how do I even move on now? One reason I was excited about starting this new role was because it would have been a great chance to move on and make a difference.
I can’t do that now.
Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I had my hair cut
2) I watched Lion King
3) my sister gave me a Batman top
Today’s Score: 1/5