30th March 2014

Today has been a much better day. I actually slept last night 😀 

I felt a little poop with the whole Mother’s Day business. I have seen a lot of things on Facebook about how much people love their mums and such, and it made me wish I had that kind of relationship with my mum. It’s also my mum’s birthday on Tuesday, and that kinda sucks too. On my friend’s mum’s birthday, I went to their house and celebrated it with them. With my family, it’s just you open your cards when you wake up. We don’t all get up at the same time or do anything. The only celebrations are for ‘big’ birthdays, like my 21st. And that only turned into a party because me and my sister wanted one. My parents didn’t organise anything until we said we were having a HollyWood – red carpet, themed party. When we mentioned that, my mum and grandparents organised a limo ride around town before our actual party. 

My 21st sucked. The day before it, I got arrested and that was on my mind all night. I smiled for photos, and I danced so that no one would ask what was wrong. The whole night, I was wishing I hadn’t planned anything. I remember wishing I could curl up in bed and hide from the world. But, everything was planned and booked, and I had to make an appearance. I got drunk, and very merry yes, but all night, in the back of my mind was events from the day before, reliving the time in the cell and wondering if there had been a way to kill myself. As much as possible, I tried to enjoy my 21st, not for me, but for everyone else who had turned up.

I’ve gone a little bit off track here, but you get the picture. I felt down about not being close to my mum, but generally, the day has been a lot better than the ones I have had lately with little to no sleep.

I’ve also, at last, managed to pick up a new book. I’m stretching my mind and reading 2 completely different books at the moment. 

1) The Hunger Games – Mockingjay

2) P.S. I Love You

3) Seduced By Fire

Seduced By Fire is written by Tara Sue Me and I love her books. Last year, I read The Submissive Trilogy, which, in my words is like 50 shades of Grey but sooooooo much better. After reading, I couldn’t wait for her new book, this book. It came out the beginning of March, and I’ve told myself I would at least finish either Mockingjay or P.S I Love You, before even reading a third. But I couldn’t actually hold off any longer.Seduced By Fire is again, another erotic, 50 shades style book. I kinda love this genre and even after just one chapter I’m wishing I was the girl, Julie. 

Sigh.. One day, I will be. I will find my someone who knows how to play 😉 

Now, you’re getting an insight into my fantasies, sorry.  

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Mothers Day

This morning, I’ve said Happy Mothers Day to 2 people. One being my best friends mum, I call her mum, and she welcomed me into her family and is as good as a mum to me. The second, is again to my other friends mum. This friend lives an hour away, and has been there ever since is met my friend at 14 years old. She is like a long distant mum to me.

I haven’t yet managed to say happy mothers day to my mum, haven’t been able to say “I love you” ECT. I bought her a card, some flowers and chocolates, but I just can’t say them stuff to her. I wish I could. She is my mum, and at the age of 21, she had twin girls and me and my sister must have been a pain but I’ve never felt able to confide in her, we’re not an open family, she doesn’t even hug me if I’m feeling crap. And she hasn’t helped much in the past year, she constantly yells at me, hasn’t not had a sober day in the last 4+ years and isn’t supportive in the slightest.
And if it’s not me she’s yelling at, she will bring up the stuff with C threatening to email her and find her, without thinking that it would cause backlash on me, and when she goes through these moments, I get anxious.
Despite everything, I wouldn’t want C to be at the other end of my mums fury. Even though, if she was, she would see that what I’ve been saying about my parents is true. I don’t want that.

so happy mothers day to all the mums out there, and those who have ever been a kind of mum to me, even if it’s ended now.
Xxx

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Are you ever 100% happy?

Well, lately my blogs have been happy. Life seems to have improved quite a bit.

However, the last few days, I’ve gone down a little.  My sleep has deteriorated a lot and has again, become somewhat nonexistent.  My counselling/therapy ended and my medication has been lowered.

I was on 30mg of Mirtazepine but it was making me too tired/sleepy and I struggled to wake up. So I then went half way between 15 & 30mg and took 1 and a half of 15mg = 22.5mg. That seemed to be going okay. Then, I ordered a repeat prescription. My doctor forgot to change the repeat to the 15 1/2 dose, and I ended up getting 30mg again. I really didn’t want to go the the Doctor’s again, I had been the day before RE a sore throat and just felt like I was being a pain. Instead, I just cut the 30mg in half and started taking 15mg again. I felt good for the 1st 2-3 weeks of taking 15mg. To me, that was positive, I was coping better. I had come to a decision to write my side of the story and ignore anything C was posting, so I stopped checking her blog. It had done me the world of good, and I was feeling good about life. I’m still not checking it out. She only repeats herself anyway, and my thoughts are that she’s not over her own childhood and is still angry about that, so is taking all her anger out at me. I also believe if she was over all of that, she would see my wrongdoing the way a therapist would, and not be so judgemental towards me. So, reading her stuff was getting me down, cut tht out and I was cheering up.

Now, the not sleeping and low mood could be down to the change of dosage, but man I feel crap. I’m really not sleeping well, and and so tired and have no energy again. I’m getting no motivation to do anything again, and need to snap out of it. I have turned to my recovery action plan, and it helps me for a few hours but then I go back to feeling really bad. I have braved a phone call to the doctors, and have an appointment on Tuesday.

I really hope she doesn’t up my dosage again though. Months of taking 30mg of Mirtazepine made me put on a hell of a lot of weight, and just 3-4 weeks of going back down to 15mg and I’ve lost just over half a stone (9ibs to be precise). So, I really don’t want to be putting weight back on. 

I’ve decided, I need to plan my days again, to pull me out of this slum and make sure my days are filled, following my daily maintenance plan. In this plan, I have a list of 6 things, to follow each day. So, although they can be done at any time of the day, I am going to set a time for each thing, to make sure I am following it.

I have until Tuesday to prove to not only the doctor, but myself, that I don’t need a higher dose of medication. I need to believe I can do this (life) on my own and with help from my friends. 

Okay, so there is one issue that I need help with, but other than that, I need to stop relying on professionals to help me. And once that issue is solved, then I’m sure things will get better anyways.

And a bonus, I have still managed to not cut or harm. The hair-pulling is still an issue. I find myself pulling out my hair a lot again, now that my sleep is really disturbed, I’m tired and agitated and keep forgetting about my Neocube, but the moment I pick it up, I stop pulling out my hair.

 

I can do this!

224 followers

To all of my 224 followers, thank you for following my blog. It means a hell of a lot that you are all following me and my story.

There are 2 sides to every story and the fact that you are following me and giving me a chance is amazing.

I’ve written my side of events, and have had such an amazing response from you guys and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Not only that, but I’ve also been able to move on with my life knowing that I have had my say.

Peace out \m/

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Neocubes should be on the NHS

Seriously Neocubes are amazing!

I have Trichotillomania, and before receiving my Neocube, I could pluck out over 30 strands of hair, eyebrows or eyelashes a day. It was a really bad habit.

In the past week, I think I’ve only plucked about 10 strands. Maybe less.

I can tell my hairs growing back because it’s all itchy in the sections where I used to pluck a lot from.

The only problem with Neocubes, they’re a little pricey. Not to expensive, but if you’re not working, and/or have to budget your cash, well it may seem a little extravagant. But, it is well worth the investment.

I honestly think they should be available on prescription. They could help with all sorts of ‘bad habits’.

I know I’ve mentioned Neocubes a lot lately, but they are friggin amazing!

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Nails :-)







Another post of my nails.

I absolutely love painting nails, and the other day I posted on a local Facebook page and have had interest. So, I kind of am starting up my own, little, nail business 😀

It’s not gonna bring me bags of cash, I’m not even qualified, but it’s a little something I like to do and why not make a little pocket money.

I have my first ‘customer’ on Tuesday.

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I hate my mum

Sorry, but I actually do. I can’t stand my mum!

she drinks daily. It is worse if she goes to my grandparents which is usually on a Sunday, but she’s gone round tonight and just got back.

She smells of booze and is talking utter crap! She doesn’t make sense and is just irritating. And she’s still drinking!!

There are no arguments this time but it’s just driving me mad.

I want a normal mum. I want one that doesn’t drink every day/night. I want to just sit and watch TV and the next morning have my mum actually remember what’s happened.

It’s just so embarrassing and she doesn’t think there is anything wrong with herself. She denys that she drinks daily but every sees it!

Life is good right now, but this just gets me down.

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