Halloween

I love Halloween!

But please keep your children safe. Even if they think they’re old enough to go alone.

I thought I was old enough when I was 10 or 11 years old. Me and my sister went around quite happily. Then, the only memory I properly have of trick or treating was some guy opening the door, saying he had left the sweets in the kitchen, and asked if we’d like to go get them. Me and my sister did question it by giving each other eye contact, then ‘Twin-Telepathy ‘ kicked in and we both said no.

We were 10/11 and alone. We knew better to walk into a strangers house. Please at least warn your kids, or just go with them.

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

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Do you know that moment?

This wasn’t written by me but I saw it on Facebook and wanted to share.

Do you know that moment
When the voices are too many and too loud
When your brain freezes
And you want to explode
And you wonder why
Should an ordinary person
Feel this way
When you’re immobilised by noise
Glued to the spot
And you just want to scream
‘Leave me alone!’
You wish you weren’t there
You wish you could die
And all the voices are louder and more
And your brain freezes
And you think
Nothing
Because you can’t
And you’re trapped in your head
And you can’t get out
And all you want is to shout
‘Leave me alone!’
Do you know that moment?
I do

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Something Positive

Today has been quite a positive day.

I found the courage to print off emails and messages ECT, and hand them over. I’m hoping that ‘this’ gets resolved. I had to go to the library to print them off, and had 30-40 minutes remaining of my slotted time. In that time, I came up with an intro for a story. I wrote it, and ever since, ideas in my head have been popping up. It’s a fiction book, based on facts of things I’ve had to deal with, and some I’ve not had to deal with personally. I don’t want to give much away, but it’s about a girl dealing with issues, and self harm, and a recovery. I definitely want to add the recovery part, I want to use my experiences to help others.
My mistake caused me to fall into a deep depression, return to a life battling with self harm. I don’t want to write my story. C is already doing that. But I do want my struggles to help others. A lot of this book is going to be my thoughts and feelings splashed onto a page; it just won’t be about anything.
I don’t want to fight anyone anymore, all it does is bring me down, and bring others down. Yes, I am still reporting the messages. I am scared out of my life of people searching me and what not.
So instead of fighting, I’m gonna accept what’s happening, and just report anything I feel is wrong.
I am paying for my crimes, and I can’t do anything to get out of them. So I’m gonna use how it’s made me feel, use the reasons why I contacted C in the first place (loneliness) as a reason why the girl feels crap in the first place. It’s going to be her journey dealing with issues. Then also showing people there is a way out.

Also today, I had an amazing interview. I got along really well with the interviewer, and she said “I have lots if interview but I’m sure Wendy will definitely ring you”. All sounds good to me. After my suicide attempt on Saturday night, I didn’t turn up to my job on Sunday. I just woke up feeling like there’s no point, so I just lay in bed, annoyed I didn’t try harder to die, and thought up ways to die.
But that was the past, and the past don’t matter… She says hopeful to move on.

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Rubiks cube update

I have been going at a rubiks cube for weeks, I am happy to say that I have finally completed it.

Whoever came up with the rubiks cube needs shooting. As much as it was a great distraction to me, it was also so frustrating. I got to the point of having 3 cubes in the wrong place, sitting there for about a week, then messing with it and ruining it.

But alas, I have done it! 😀

I Wish, I Wish part 2

(Blogging from my phone gives me a character limit so this is continuing from my previous post)

My depression sunk lower and I’ve woke up today not wanting to do anything. I don’t see the point in anything anymore. Everything is pointless. I was meant to work 12-4pm but it’s bar work and I’ve never done it before, and I’m completely shit. Friday I had my first shift, and I told myself “It’s a new experience, and the bar was having a party, so I was thrown in at the deep end. I will get better”. Last night and this morning I am comparing myself to my sister. She used to work in a bar and was good. I’m completely shit. I don’t want to do it, plus today was a christening party. I’m useless at pouring a pint. I made a couple of mistakes on Friday and I probably Pissed everyone off with how shit I was.
So it’s 12.45pm and I’m still in bed, I’ve not rung in, I don’t wanna lie and say I’m ill. I just don’t know what to do. I want to pull the blanket over my head and sleep forever…

My friend Louise is making me go hers tonight. She saw the cuts across my wrist and doesn’t want me to be alone. I love her family, but I don’t wanna go. I want to be alone.

I Wish, I Wish

I have a lit of wishes right now; each one isn’t particularly great, but they are ny wishes.

I wish I could write by blog without so much criticism. I understand anyone’s writing is gonna be criticized, but isn’t writing supposed to be about freedom? My blogs are usually freedom of my thoughts, why is that a problem. I’ve no idea why C continues to read my blog, if she doesn’t like what I’m writing, don’t read it. If she doesn’t want anything to do with me, stop telling people about me and stop writing a fucking book! I’m trying to move on with my life but getting messages saying “I saw C twitter and read her blog, and think you’re a selfish bitch and need to die” is not helping me! Well last night, after receiving that message, I went onto Cs twitter and clicked the link to the blog. She has fully named me, and said where I live, so for anyone who wants to send abuse to me, its pretty fucking simple to search me. Isn’t naming me and where I live putting risk onto me??? Well, I’m gonna look up that.
Also her blog states what I did, which I don’t like, but if she’s allowed to write a book about it, she’s allowed to write a blog about it. But to say I’ve “gained sympathy from my readers” and that I’m”telling lies” in my blog well that’s just bollix! I’ve learned from the first time if I lie I’m gonna get caught, so why the fuck would I lie again, and I would like to know what it is I’ve lied about exactly.

Well, all of the above gave me a new wish – I wish I was dead, and I wish I didn’t have to deal with this.
So last night, whilst everyone was still partying, I came upstairs. I took the remains of a pack of ibruprofen tablets (9 in total) and my antidepressant tablet, cut my wrists and wanted to get more water to take more tablets. I’m on antibiotics at the moment, and had 100 of them (been taking 3 a day, so probably have around 80 left). I wanted to take them, but text my friend instead which was very helpful, plus the sedation effect in my antidepressants was starting to work so I went to sleep.

This morning I don’t feel any better. Something I thought impossible, I’ve sunken lower into depression.. TBC

A little about me

I’m Jade, I’m 21 and I am from the Midlands area of England.

Last year, I paid a massive mistake which has cost me dearly.
(More can be found out about this throughout my blogs-but no more details of that are gonna really be blogged about. In my blogs, I refer to this as ‘My/The Mistake’).

My favourite colour is pink, and I am very much a Girly Girl. I love anything that is princessy and girly. However, there is a different side to me that loves Marvel comics and films. I am a huge fan of Thor and Captain America; not just because the actors are easy on the eye (although that helps!). I also love Batman and The Power Rangers. My favourite animal/s goes back to girly and is a butterfly; and following close behind are zebras, and then going back to being a weirdo and loving spiders.

If I put my mind to it, I can be quite creative. I love drawing, making things, and writing (writing my blog, diary and poems). The poems I write are usually written on this blog. I’ve recently made a Pagan dream catcher for my friend 😀

I love being a child and dressing up, so own quite a lot of fancy dress costumes as I have a lot of fancy dress parties. My favourite one had to be my zebra outfit- which I have worn a few times as just a daytime outfit :-P.

I’m a quiet, and a strange person to understand. If I trust you enough, I would tell you all my deepest secrets and be very open, if I dont trust you (which is a lot of people) my answer to a lot of things is “I don’t know”.

I have a pet dog, Diva;and 1/4 African land snails (mine is called Nimbus Dobby Bob Gary Dumbledore 1st) the others aren’t mine but my 2nd family’s and called Eddy, Speedy and Kibbles. Technically I have 2 more dogs (from my 2nd family) called Trentus Momentus (AKA Trent) and Bellatrix LeStrange (AKA Belle). At my Nans house, I have a parrot called Jack.