Cassie Harte is the person that, in my posts, is referred to as C. She is the person that upset and hurt, and although I hurting her wasn’t my intention, she is still out to punish me even more, without any regards to how it has/is/will effect me. She has posted many things on her blog about me, about what I’ve done, named me, put my birth date, and my home town online – making it so easy for someone to look me up and find me. You can even google me, and it comes up with my sister’s name also. This is just becoming a war that I didn’t want to get into, but if she can name and shame me, then so can I! I didn’t want to, but it’s becoming clear that when she posts this book, it is going to be her word against mine; which due to her blog and social media posts has already happened. So, I am fighting back, telling my side of the story! I won’t be writing a book, like her, I don’t want some book deal, nor do I want sympathy as she so craves. I did want sympathy and attention, back in 2012. That’s why I contacted her in the first place. What I did was unforgivable, but I don’t see why Cassie has to keep bringing this up, keep slating my name when she had me arrested, sent to court because she didn’t want anything to do with me! So here is my side.
BEFORE CONTACTING CASSIE, I was feeling lonely. I was in a depression (which I didn’t realise at the time), I was becoming distant with my friends, and there has always been problems between me and my family, me feeling very much like the ‘Black Sheep’. I felt really low, lonely and in need of some kind of affection. I read Cassie’s book, and browsed through her website which also had her email address on. I wrote her an email, saying I understood her loneliness in her book as I felt the same within my family as she did. I stated how I felt low ect and that I felt connected to her in her book. I read this email over and over and thought “What are you doing? This woman has been abused. Her life was much worse than hers. She’s just going to think you’re pathetic!” So, I deleted that message and wrote another one, wanting to get an answer, wanting to get someone to care about me. I wrote something along the lines of, ‘I’m Jade, I read your book and something similar is happening to me and I don’t know what to do’. This was the beginning of a caring friendship. Something I had never felt.
After a few emails back and forth, I stated that I had an aunt who could help me. I created another person with the intention that my ‘aunt’ would help me and I would no longer need Cassie’s help, that the lie would stop. I gave Cassie a fake email, pretending that my aunt was real and make the story seem a little more believable. I mean what harm could it do, I was going to end contact with her anyway. Then Cassie had asked ‘my aunt’ to let her know how I was doing, asked her if she wanted to deal with me on her own, or if she wanted her help. Cassie really cared for me, she wanted to know how I was. I actually cried a little at the thought of having someone care for me. I remember that night so well. I had a bath, and cried it the bath. It felt overwhelming that a stranger was making sure I was ok. So I replied, as the aunt, and said that her help would be great.
Cassie and I continued to talk, we became friends, and started to even talk on the phone. I loved the phone calls. When I was having a particularly low day, I would tell Cassie I wasn’t feeling good, that I felt like cutting (which was the truth – Self Harm has been a coping method of mine since I was 13/14 years old). Cassie would then ring me, she would give me the comfort I needed, tell me to pretend she was here hugging me, that I was allowed to cry. (Another truth – I’ve been brought up with believing crying was wrong. My Dad would always say “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about”).
Everyday, I craved more and more of Cassie’s attention and comfort. When I had the slightest hint that she would not be available to me as much, I would create more lies, and they would get worse and worse each time. First, it started by saying I had been pregnant. (It wasn’t exactly a lie, there was a time with my ex but I don’t really want to get into that. 3 people + Doctors know – 2 friends and Steph – counsellor). I said that I lost the baby but that’s not all. Cassie said to me “I know there’s more that you’re not telling me.” There obviously wasn’t but she wanted more, so I gave her more knowing that she would be there to answer me still. To make these babies real, I stupidly went onto my friend’s facebook and take photos of their kids to show Cassie, to show her they were real. I didn’t think it was wrong to me, it was just like googling a picture. But now, I know that it was wrong. I didn’t do it in a sick a depreaved way, I just wanted Cassie to continue to believe me, to continue talking to me.
Then, things would quiet down, she wouldn’t be online, or ring me as much and I started to feel lonely again. I wanted her to talk with me on the phone more than emailing. It felt more personal. I could hear the care in her voice but I didn’t know how to get her to ring me. I then came up with another lie. That people would kidnap me. It seems so outrageous that I didn’t even think she would believe me, but after the first time she did, and she rung me, I kept doing it. I would pretend that someone had taken me, that she would need to ring me to find out where I was and she did ring. I was able to speak to her on the phone. She was like the Mum I wish I had. I loved her.
Just a note. All through this I regretted everything I was saying. She would say that she was tired, but I never knew just how much I was effecting her. I never knew that I was making her sick. If I had actually known, I don’t think I would have even sent the first email. I took her kindness and caring for granted, I never stopped and thought that I was doing any harm. During the court case, I was given a psychological test, and was told I had Munchausens syndrome – A mental disorder which makes the person need attention. People usually do it by going to the doctor pretending they’re sick. Mine was a slightly different case, but that’s what I apparently fall under. I don’t want to excuse what I did, but with this disorder it explains why I never stopped to think ‘ This is making Cassie upset’. My brain was craving the love and attention, and that is all it was thinking of.
In December 2012, Cassie decided to end our communications. She didn’t exactly say “Stop. I don’t want to talk with you.” Her words were “I think I need to back off a bit”. This to me, sounded like there would still be some kind of communication, just not as much. So, when I emailed her and had no reply, I got angry and upset. I still needed someone, and Cassie had said she would always be there for me. I sent her angry emails saying I hated her for just leaving me. I had no idea she found out I was lying, that she was going to the police. I tried the things that had previously worked, said I had been kidnapped again, but she never answered. Then I read something online, about not needing people to help me, that I could do this on my own. I sent an email to her saying I was sorry for saying I hated her, thanked her for her being there for me over the last 6 months, and copied the paragraph I found (None of this, may I add, was read out by police or at court!). I deleted Cassie’s emails, deleted her number and told myself to move on.
Then in January, just as I was getting used to not having Cassie around, I got arrested and charged with Harassment and Malicious Communications. I was sent to court, and from January – May 2013, appeared in court several times. My solicitor want the harassment charge dropped, because there was no cause for the charge – The communication was between both of us and Cassie never told me to stop at all. Me, I wanted to just get it over and done with whether the charge was dropped or not, but we got it dropped and I am pleased. Cassie wasn’t happy. At first, the not guilty plea of Harassment wasn’t accepted. It wasn’t until they said it would then be trialed and she would also have to attend, that it got accepted. So, I plead and got charged with just the malicious communications, given 12 months supervision (probation), given a fine, and a 10 year restricting order against Cassie (meaning no contact for 10 years). Further to this, I have lost friends, and due to the nature of what I was saying, am not allowed to work with children (which was my dream career). All of this has caused a massive depression, the self harm manifested and got out of control and I attempted suicide several times. I’m starting to get myself back on track, volunteering (and possibly starting a new job soon), I joined gymnastics and am becoming a little more confident. BUT Cassie is naming me in a book and has named me online (refer to 1st paragraph) and no matter how much I seem to move on, this brings me back way down! The situation has become her word against mine, and I’ve not yet been given an opportunity to say my side. All I wanted was a friend, I never aimed to hurt anyone. Her aim is to hurt me, she’s after my blood, and perhaps this post is giving her my blood on a plate, but I’m not this evil, perverted person she is making me out to be. I’m actually very caring and loving and haven’t had much care and love in return. I, myself was vulnerable, she wanted something and in return I got what I needed. I just went the wrong way to get it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Feel free to ask me questions, I’m not going to hide anymore.