About scarredgirl13

I am Jade, a 21 year old going through a horrible time. My blog is a place where I want to offload my thoughts and feelings and share with you all the battles I am facing with depression. I am not doing it for attention, but rather as a way of letting off steam. I also hope to enlighten people, to show them what it is like to go through a horrid time, and hopefully show those going through a tough time, that it will get better (although that seems tough for me at the moment). This is my journey of ups and downs. Some of it won't make nice reading, but I hope everyone who reads it gets something out of it.

Give me a break

some of you may know C wrote an article for a magazine about me. For that article, I “had my say”. 

Apparently I have been faking any mental illness that I have. That none of it was true and I know that it shouldn’t bother me, that I shouldn’t have to prove anything to anyone but I have to. I don’t like being called a liar when I’m not. 

I’ve struggled with mental health since I was 13 and being told that I’m making it all up hurts. 

So, here is a paragraph from a doctors report that I had done last year. 

Before the court case, I had never heard of Munchausen Syndrome. When this was said, I told my solicitor that I didn’t want it given to the court. It would have probably helped out. The doctors report was not, like C has been saying, dismissed by police or the judge or anyone. I refused to use it. I felt like I should get what I deserve and I felt like I didn’t want any of my mental illness to be used to get me out of trouble. That was MY CHOICE. I so wish I had used it now because then I’d have had proof of my mental illness and for that last 2 years, I would have not been called a liar, not been told that I am lying about self harm or anything else.
So here, have this and leave me alone!  

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Light gives hope

Hi guys! 

Today has been a productive day. My sister went back to her boyfriend’s house at the weekend so my Hamster, Harley got to have is usual house back. (My sister hated him in the bedroom so he was in a small cage on the landing). So today has been spent getting my bedroom back to how I like it now that I don’t have to share it and taking photos of Harley enjoying his big cage.  

Tonight has been relaxing, me watching shows on Netflix, light dimmed and candles lit. 

I looked at one candle and decided that the way the wax was melting, to me, was pretty so I took a few photos until I had taken the perfect candle photo. If you have me on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram then you have probably already seen it. 

Just as I was admiring my ‘amazing’ photography skills, I remembered a quote – my favourite quote actually. I think the quote was originally said by someone else but I’m not sure. How I came across the quote is by watching Harry Potter. In the Prisoner of Azkaban, you are introduced to Dementors, a magical monster that drains all happiness from you, makes to world go icey cold, makes you feel as though you’ll never be happy again and makes you relive your most awful memories. The Dementors are JK Rowling’s metaphor for depression. I have often felt as if I have had Dementors following me constantly. 

I’m a massive Harry Potter fan and during one of my own ‘Dementor attacks’, I was watching Harry Potter and Dumbledore said,

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light”

This quote has never left me and has always helped me through difficult parts of my life. Because of that, I wanted to share you this edited photo of my candle. 

(PS I am usually rubbish at taking photos, this one makes me proud and happy) 

 

Insomnia Worries

For years I have had troubles with insomnia. The worst of it getting so bad to only be getting 1-2 hours sleep at night. 

Doctors never seem to give me any long term help. I get given 7-14 Zopiclone tablets, 1 to be take when needed. My last prescription was at the beginning of March for 7 tablets, supposed to last me 2 weeks as you’re not supposed to take one every night, they lasted me about 9 days. 

When I go through these huge insomniac spells, the only thing that ever works is those Zopiclone tablets and I become so desperate to sleep, I don’t follow those rules. They never usually last but 1 nights sleep followed by a sleepless night doesn’t sort me out. I need a good 7 days of decent sleep to rest my body and function properly. So that’s the reason I don’t follow the instructions.

So it’s been 2-3 weeks since I ran out of my 7 Zopiclone tablets. Then I had a couple of nights where I had decent sleep without them, then fell back into nights of tossing and turning, where no matter how or where you lie, you can’t get comfortable. I can’t even explain how frustrated I got, how each day the struggle to get out of bed became worse. 

For the last 5/6 nights, I’ve slept pretty well. Falling asleep is still tough but once I’m asleep, I’ve actually been in a deep sleep and slept for about 5/6 hours. My mood has slowly been getting better now that I’m sleeping better but there’s always a worry that ‘tonight I probably won’t sleep. This isn’t going to last for long’. 

I dread going to bed. I never know if I’m going to be falling asleep or if I’m going to lie for hours on end waiting for a decent time to say “it’s time to wake up”, an acceptable time to get up and dressed and start the day. 

I hope these last few nights last, I doubt they will but it’d be so nice. 

Good Deeds

I haven’t wrote in a while. This has been my choice, not because of anything anybody has said. My main reason was because writing daily became too much of a chore, it started to feel as if I was repeating myself and it seemed to be getting boring.

I had actually thought a couple of days ago to delete my account since I wasn’t using it when tonight, and a couple days ago I saw 2 posts on Facebook about good deeds. And these things annoy me quite a bit.

The other day, a facebook friend wrote a status saying that she had done her good deed for the day and rung the fire service after seeing a dustbin on fire. It annoyed me quite a bit to be honest. Is really a good deed for calling the fire service? Isn’t that what everybody would do if they saw a bin on fire? To me, it’s just common sense. A good deed would be saving somebody trapped in a fire. 

Maybe I’m just pessimistic, but calling 999 (England) to report a fire is not a good deed. I’m sure if anybody else had seen it, they too would have reported it.

My next annoyance is the amount of “good deeds” are videoed and shared on Facebook or the most annoying “good deed selfie”. 

Tonight I came across a video of somebody giving a drink and something to eat to several homeless people. The act is kind and is what I consider a good deed, but why is there the need to video yourself doing it for LIKES and SHARES.     I have given money and bought hot drinks for homeless people but I’ve not posted about it, I haven’t taken photos to prove any point or to get people to LIKE my posts. I do it because I feel it’s the right thing to do.

I have, shamelessly, walked through my town centre on a freezing cold winter night muttering to myself “I hope the bus comes soon so I can get home, I’m freezing!” And as I’ve done this, I’ve seen a man lying in a shop doorway bedding up for the night” . I then became thankful for actually having a place to go and told myself to never complain how cold it is waiting for a bus, because at least I’ll get to a warm place, no matter how long it takes to get there.

Back to the point. I feel like it is becoming somewhat ‘fashionable’ to take selfies or videos of good deeds for LIKES. Don’t get me wrong, giving homeless people food and a hot drink is really good of you but just think about why you’re doing it… Is it for LIKES or are you doing it because you want to do a good thing.

Also, STOP USING “GOOD DEED” FOR LITTLE THINGS THAT ARE NORMAL!  Phoning emergency services or giving up your seat on a bus for an old lady are not good deeds, they are things everybody should be doing anyway. 

Maybe I was brought up being told these are normal things to do, but to me they are things that don’t need to publicised. 

You’re not Innocent

I just heard this song and it seems like I could have wrote it.

Started out at school
Always saying she wasn’t good enough
Rumours spread and stories told
That she somehow heard of

Then the social network came
And it got so much badder
Telling her to just give up
So she listened to the chatter

How do you feel now she’s gone
And her family is torn
How do you feel now
She’s watching you live on

How do you feel now she’s gone
And what your words have done
You can try, you can cry, you can plead
But you’re not innocent

No

Started out with the razor
When she was shaving her legs
Then it got to a knife when
She wasn’t with her parents

Always wearing jumpers and bangles
It got to suicide attempts
And then they pushed her too far
And she walked over the edge

How do you feel now she’s gone
And her family is torn
How do you feel now
She’s watching you live on

How do you feel now she’s gone
And what your words have done
You can try you can cry you can scream
But you’re not innocent

Maybe next time
You won’t let it get that far
You’ll shut your mouth coz
You know what the consequences are

There’s blood on your hands
I hope you realise now
You killed her yourself
I hope you’ve figured that out

How do you feel now she’s gone
And her family is torn
How do you feel now
She’s watching you live on

How do you feel now she’s gone
And what your words have done
You can try, you can cry, you can scream
But you’re not innocent

It’s too late, it’s too late
It’s too late, it’s too late
It’s too late, it’s too late
It’s too late, it’s too late

Moving on: Day 171

Today has been okay.

Again, another sleepless night, but the day wasn’t too bad.

I caught up with Hollyoaks, had something to eat then got ready to go out.
Tomorrow (well technically today) is mine and my sisters birthday and we went for a meal tonight to celebrate.
We went for an all you can eat and it was amazing.
The sad part was that there was me and my friend from work and then 5 people who were my sisters friends. There was one guy who I know but I only know him from my sister.
Over the last couple of years, I have learnt who my true friends were, the ones who have stuck by me and it’s quite sad to know at one point they would have been there too.
So yeah, that felt a bit shit.
Like I have friends at cheerleading and I invited them but none could make it and well… My low self esteem says it’s because they don’t particularly like me and long story short, negative thoughts arise about people. I don’t trust people now, when they say they’re my friend. I never believe them. I never believe that anybody could seriously like me.
But enough of that, it was quite a good night and maybe the whisky will help me sleep tonight.