A year ago yesterday, I was arrested for what I did to C. It was a day before my 21st birthday and was a bit of a hectic time. The day of my birthday, I had a planned party. All through this, I was putting on a smile, pretending I was okay when infact, I wasn’t. When I was being interviewed, I was read C statements and I remember she called me ‘Evil’. What I did was horrible, I admit everything I did was wrong, and I’ve been a coward and not posted everything on here. It was horrible, but no way aimed at hurting her, I was selfish, didn’t want her to leave, and so made up more twisted lies in return for her time and comfort and care and love. Nobody knows or understands how lonely I felt, they just see the nasty of what I did, but not the reasons behind it. And I suppose that although I have an idea of how C may feel, I don’t truly understand how I made her feel – not properly. I wish I could meet her, talk about it so not only could she see how truthfully sorry I am, but so I could understand more of what I put her through. I wouldn’t have got any joy from it, just a little more educated as to why she felt the need to want to take me to court, and write a book.
I can’t seem to forgive myself. I just feel guilty all the time. Today is my birthday, I went out for a meal with my sister and friend, but the rest of the day has been spent regretting what I did, and wishing that I could be forgiven.
I sit here, in my bedroom, alone crying over what I did. Crying because I really hurt someone emotionally and again, I feel lonely – the reason I messaged C in the first place. Why do I find it so hard to accept who I am and feel the need to pretend I’m someone else?
When I was in contact with C, I pretended that I was living with an aunt, uncles and baby cousin. Sounds weird but when I was saying all this stuff, telling C that me and my aunt had a girly chat; to me, I was living it. I would say these things and pretend I was having a good time, and felt happy, the same would happen on bad days, bad days were when I felt lonely, had arguments with my family and instead of saying that, I would create some abuse story, and gain her sympathy and care that way.
I hate myself. I regret everything so much and wish I was dead.
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