I deserve to be depressed

Do you know when people talk about Karma, do you believe in it?

I never really do. However, today has been my lowest in a while. I thought things were looking up, but this evening things have dropped massively. The last few nights, I’ve been at the base of arguments in my house. It seems that whenever I am sat with them all, downstairs, I am yelled at for where I sit, wherever that seat may be. I might as well just sit on the floor!

Then tonight, after my dad moaned at me and I decided to come upstairs to watch Wolverine. My sister then moaned and yelled at me for turning on the bedroom light, then stormed off downstairs. I felt low again.

Then  I got thinking about why I depressed. This depression formed  from my own stupid mistake. It’s my fault I’m depressed, like karma’s own punishment. But have I not been punished already? I got sent to court, got fined, got probation, lost my job/career and friends, C is writing a book about me – which is gonna cause a lot of pain for me – people are gonna be horrible to me; they already have.

 

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It’s life Jim but bit as we know it

I’m feeling a little alien right now.

When things were good, years ago, I knew life, I enjoyed it and enjoyed what it had to offer.
Then when things became bad and I felt low and lonely. But still, things were obvious; I woke up expecting bad days, knowing that things weren’t going to be good.

Right now, things seem to be getting better, I am volunteering which is getting me out of the house and I’m learning new skills because I can’t work with children anymore. I’m hoping this job helps me find paid work. I enjoy it and it gives me a purpose. I also try and swim once a week with my sister, and also joined gymnastics and learning to become friends with people I don’t know, without having to make up stories to gain sympathy. So things seem good.

Things are getting better, right? Nope! Things look good but then I remember that no matter how much I move on, some point in the future, a book is going to be written and published about me. And then anxiety creeps in and I feel low again – not even a little bit low. I get so low that I feel suicidal from just one small stupid thought!

Now, I feel alien. I have no idea what I’m going to be feeling. I have no idea what each day is going to bring. Am I going to be happy or sad? I’ve really no idea what to expect and I don’t like it.

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Forgiveness

A year ago yesterday, I was arrested for what I did to C. It was a day before my 21st birthday and was a bit of a hectic time. The day of my birthday, I had a planned party. All through this, I was putting on a smile, pretending I was okay when infact, I wasn’t. When I was being interviewed, I was read C statements and I remember she called me ‘Evil’. What I did was horrible, I admit everything I did was wrong, and I’ve been a coward and not posted everything on here. It was horrible, but no way aimed at hurting her, I was selfish, didn’t want her to leave, and so made up more twisted lies in return for her time and comfort and care and love. Nobody knows or understands how lonely I felt, they just see the nasty of what I did, but not the reasons behind it. And I suppose that although I have an idea of how C may feel, I don’t truly understand how I made her feel – not properly. I wish I could meet her, talk about it so not only could she see how truthfully sorry I am, but so I could understand more of what I put her through. I wouldn’t have got any joy from it, just a little more educated as to why she felt the need to want to take me to court, and write a book.

I can’t seem to forgive myself. I just feel guilty all the time. Today is my birthday, I went out for a meal with my sister and friend, but the rest of the day has been spent regretting what I did, and wishing that I could be forgiven.
I sit here, in my bedroom, alone crying over what I did. Crying because I really hurt someone emotionally and again, I feel lonely – the reason I messaged C in the first place. Why do I find it so hard to accept who I am and feel the need to pretend I’m someone else?
When I was in contact with C, I pretended that I was living with an aunt, uncles and baby cousin. Sounds weird but when I was saying all this stuff, telling C that me and my aunt had a girly chat; to me, I was living it. I would say these things and pretend I was having a good time, and felt happy, the same would happen on bad days, bad days were when I felt lonely, had arguments with my family and instead of saying that, I would create some abuse story, and gain her sympathy and care that way.
I hate myself. I regret everything so much and wish I was dead.

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Medication issues

I’ve finally found ab antidepressant that is working. A massive issue for me was the lack of sleep. I was going 8-9 nights without any sleep, then only sleeping from pure exhaustion but still only getting a few hours. I had gone months taking sleeping tablets, and you’re only supposed to take them for a couple weeks as they’re addictive. This on top of antidepressants and I was still suicidal and self harming – I was not feeling better. Then the Dr changed ny antidepressant to one that makes me sleep; I was put on 15mg of Mirtazapine.

For the first week or two, they seemed to work, my mood was a bit shaky but also improved some. But after 6 weeks, again I wasn’t sleeping. The effects if the tablet weren’t working so the doctor gave me 30mg.
Since taking the 30mg, I’ve managed not to cut. I’ve had low, suicidal feelings, but not as much and I seem able to cope better, and I’m sleeping with them.
The only problem now is that I’m really tired. I struggle to get up in the mornings, and all day I’m tired. This week, I started my job (only a few hours a day), and returned to swimming, and carried on with doing gymnastics. The medication makes me put on weight so need to keep fit and healthy. This week has seemed so packed which hasn’t helped with the sleepiness at all. I just feel exhausted. The 30g is working but I’m so tired from them.
I’ve got an appointment with my Dr on Wednesday and so going to tell her then that I’m so tired.

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Work

I’m really loving my new job!

I’m only on day 2 but it’s great. The company is a drama group that do workshops and also dramatherapy. They’ve just taken over the community centre by me, and my main role is doing the admin stuff for that, rather than the drama group. I’m still settling in, as are they but I seem to be doing quite well in it. I’m only voluntary at the moment, but they’re hoping that one day we could be paid, and even if that’s not the case, it’s a great experience and something to add onto my CV which hopefully could get me into paid work.

Today, N.B, the manager thanked me and said that they didn’t know how much they needed me until I was there.

As they’re new there themselves, everything is a little unorganized and I’m starting to organize things, which is giving me a sense of importance. I actually feel wanted and needed. I love it!

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Family

I started 2014 quite positive. I was going to live each day as they come, and deal with the fact about the book being written, when it came to it (That’s even if I get told when it’s out). And that plan worked for a couple of days. Things seemed more positive; I’m even properly starting my job tomorrow.

However, this weekend has been horrible. I’ve done nothing wrong, and my sister was even on my side. Friday night, my mum (drunk) was yelling at me for anything and everything. My sister laughed and assured me I hadn’t done anything but that my mum wanted to pick a fight again. Saturday, it was my dads turn. I went downstairs, and he was watching a film. The film finished and he went into the other room to watch my brother on his Xbox. I decides to look what was on tv, since the film had finished, and see what else was on. He came in and yelled at me for turning over, saying that there was another film on that he wanted to watch. I said I was sorry, that I didn’t know that but he kept yelling at me, he said “you’re 22, you should know to ask” fed up of always being yelled at, I angrily/cheekily said “I’m not 22 yet” (okay my b’day is next weekend (Jan 11th). But then he replied “No, and you won’t live to see you’re 22nd. You’ve f*cked up your life because of some stupid texts. You shouldn’t make 22”. Inside, I broke at this. I was almost in tears, but didn’t want to see that he got to me. In my head, I was saying “no I won’t make 22. There’s no. Point in stating alive for this shit”. I wanted to run to my room and cut, I wanted to harm and kill myself. In the last month, I’ve had low moments, but last nights feelings of wanting to harm and die, had been the strongest in a while. But I managed to sit it out.
Today, my dad moaned at me for moving seats, to get the phone charger. And when I came to bed, feeling tired, my bed was a mess. My sister got out all my nail stuff and left it all there. It took me ages to clear away, and it’s woken me up!! But my sisters response “I dont care”.
I’m so fed up!

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Thoughts and feelings

I’m suicidal today. I’ve not created plans yet, I’ve tried to keep my mind distracted. It’s a new year, time to put everything behind me from the last year; but I can’t!

All I keep thinking when I tell myself to move on is, there’s going to be a book. I’m might move on, but there is going to be a book. I’m going to be named and shamed, and already have. Somebody on Twitter first told me.. “Hey, I think this is about you (posted a link to C blog”. That broke me, I replied on twitter that it was me, had my head bit off, again I broke, then someone commented on this blog, I broke a bit more. I told my friend, Louise, then she did a test. She googled my name and town… It’s easy to find my FB, Twitter, C blog which has a link to this blog. She didn’t tell me she did this straight away, but when she did, I checked myself and broke some more.
C is not going to stop until the world hates me, until I’ve broken completely. My solicitor at the time said C wants the worst punishment given. Obviously it hasn’t gone her way and so she is punishing me her way.
But I can’t go on anymore, I’m anxious that I’m going to get more hate messages, or worse and I can’t take it. C is not going to stop until I’m dead. Someone just give her a gun and put me in front of her, it’ll be less painless and quicker.

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