13th November 2013
Well, last night was awful. Actually, all day was bad.
I woke up to the voices playing havoc in my head. They were talking among themselves, discussing that my recent suicide attempts were pointless. They weren’t even a drop in the ocean, and I “need to do more”. I was arguing with the voices all day, and my mood just went really angry.
I decided I needed to bake cakes, mixing would take out some anger, and I’ll calm down. (This week, I’m staying at my Nan’s – house-sitting with my sister Jayne and friend Louise). I shouted my friend from upstairs to let her know. I wanted to mix, and just have them in the kitchen to talk and be a distraction. I measured out the ingredients, and then found out that Jayne had started to mix. This fired up my mood, and I kicked up a fuss big time. Louise got annoyed and stormed out to my house, and Jayne followed her. I got even more upset and this. The voices telling me they hated me, they were ganging up on me etc. I decided not to speak to them.
So, when they both returned with a bottle of wine ‘peace-maker’, I ignored them. They both spoke to me and I refused to answer. Louise went up to her room (She has moved into my Nan’s spare bedroom), and I got even more frustrated and angry. I got my shoes on and left. The voices became louder and the world around me became black. The voices were telling me nobody wanted me, I’d be better off dead. Everything was black, I couldn’t see roads or paths, just a way forward.
Before I knew it, I was sat on a bridge and the motorway was beneath me. I could now see something other than black. I could see the car lights, lorries. All the lights seemed pretty, one second they were there, the next they had gone under the bridge to the other side. I wish I could be on the other side of this life.
I sat and cried and then all of a sudden I saw Louise and Jayne walking towards me. It wouldn’t be fair on them to see me do this. So I stopped and got down. I’m not sure they saw me sat on the bridge, but they haven’t mentioned it. I stood by the railings and watched the cars pass. Louise came to me and talked to me. I couldn’t answer; all I could do is listen. Every time I wanted to say something, tears threatened to escape from me. My Nan rung, Louise took my phone and answered it. “You can jump now. They’re not looking!!” But no, I had some sanity left and argued back. I left the railings, I stood alongside Louise and Jayne and agreed to go home with them. No sooner had I walked away, a police car drove past. Not sure if it was for me, or just a coincidence, but that gave me thoughts. What would have happened if I jumped, or stayed there? Would I have caused some kind of commotion? God knows, but I do know that I don’t want to cause anything bad. I’ve done enough of that.
Nothing else was said for the rest of the night. What was done, was done. What was said, was said. Period.
I’m a little scared though. I’ve cut my wrists, taken over-doses and thought about jumping. However, I’m terrified of heights and never gone as far as sitting on the edge of a motorway bridge. I have counselling/therapy on Monday. I want/need to bring this up, but I’m scared of what they will say.
I think I’m losing it.
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