Insomnia Worries

For years I have had troubles with insomnia. The worst of it getting so bad to only be getting 1-2 hours sleep at night. 

Doctors never seem to give me any long term help. I get given 7-14 Zopiclone tablets, 1 to be take when needed. My last prescription was at the beginning of March for 7 tablets, supposed to last me 2 weeks as you’re not supposed to take one every night, they lasted me about 9 days. 

When I go through these huge insomniac spells, the only thing that ever works is those Zopiclone tablets and I become so desperate to sleep, I don’t follow those rules. They never usually last but 1 nights sleep followed by a sleepless night doesn’t sort me out. I need a good 7 days of decent sleep to rest my body and function properly. So that’s the reason I don’t follow the instructions.

So it’s been 2-3 weeks since I ran out of my 7 Zopiclone tablets. Then I had a couple of nights where I had decent sleep without them, then fell back into nights of tossing and turning, where no matter how or where you lie, you can’t get comfortable. I can’t even explain how frustrated I got, how each day the struggle to get out of bed became worse. 

For the last 5/6 nights, I’ve slept pretty well. Falling asleep is still tough but once I’m asleep, I’ve actually been in a deep sleep and slept for about 5/6 hours. My mood has slowly been getting better now that I’m sleeping better but there’s always a worry that ‘tonight I probably won’t sleep. This isn’t going to last for long’. 

I dread going to bed. I never know if I’m going to be falling asleep or if I’m going to lie for hours on end waiting for a decent time to say “it’s time to wake up”, an acceptable time to get up and dressed and start the day. 

I hope these last few nights last, I doubt they will but it’d be so nice. 

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Moving On: Day 31

Let’s just cut to the chase and get to the, “I’m tired” again. Still no sleep and this is driving me insane!

Today has been quite boring. I got up and nobody was downstairs so I put Friends on and watched that. When my mum dad and brother came back I turned over and began playing games on my phone. My dad then saw a jib he wanted to apply for but he’s a bit of a technophobe and doesn’t “get why everything is online nowadays”. He’s been working at the same place for 9/10 years so doesn’t have a current CV and so I helped him.

I went on my brother’s laptop and it’s so slow!! It drove me insane. Anyways, I did my dad’s CV and applied for the job for him. I then went to clean up the laptop and check for updates. There hadn’t been a software update since January 2012! No wonder it was so slow! 162 updates had to be done and that has taken up about 3-4 hours. Then I realised I didn’t have to sit and watch! #BlondMoment

My brother and parents had a homemade curry but they like it hot and didn’t cook me anything so I just had a plate of chips for my dinner. It’s kinda pissed me off that they’ve made a curry when I was going to do one on Thursday. But I’m still gonna make one so they can just have 2 this week.

I also played FIFA with my brother and I’m just rubbish at it but I’m proud to say I scored 1 goal 🙂 He scored 6 but the point is, I still scored lol.

And that is it for today.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I helped my dad with his CV and jib application
2) I played FIFA
3) I completed a level in Candy Crush

Today’s Score: 2/5

Please let me sleep tonight!

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I slept a little last night. I’m not sure I can say “night”, it was early hours of the morning before I actually fell asleep. It’s been what’s happening lately, I’ll be awake all night and sleep in the morning, only to be woken up by my alarm. Today, my alarm wasn’t set, and I woke around 9.30am. I’m kinda guessing I’ve had about 4 hours sleep, which is more than normal, but I’m still so tired.

I looked in the mirror and, well….. I have massive bags under my eyes. Moisturizer isn’t even helping the case. 😦 I look horrendous. So please, sleep fairies, don’t forget to visit me from now on. I need beauty sleep!

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Are you ever 100% happy?

Well, lately my blogs have been happy. Life seems to have improved quite a bit.

However, the last few days, I’ve gone down a little.  My sleep has deteriorated a lot and has again, become somewhat nonexistent.  My counselling/therapy ended and my medication has been lowered.

I was on 30mg of Mirtazepine but it was making me too tired/sleepy and I struggled to wake up. So I then went half way between 15 & 30mg and took 1 and a half of 15mg = 22.5mg. That seemed to be going okay. Then, I ordered a repeat prescription. My doctor forgot to change the repeat to the 15 1/2 dose, and I ended up getting 30mg again. I really didn’t want to go the the Doctor’s again, I had been the day before RE a sore throat and just felt like I was being a pain. Instead, I just cut the 30mg in half and started taking 15mg again. I felt good for the 1st 2-3 weeks of taking 15mg. To me, that was positive, I was coping better. I had come to a decision to write my side of the story and ignore anything C was posting, so I stopped checking her blog. It had done me the world of good, and I was feeling good about life. I’m still not checking it out. She only repeats herself anyway, and my thoughts are that she’s not over her own childhood and is still angry about that, so is taking all her anger out at me. I also believe if she was over all of that, she would see my wrongdoing the way a therapist would, and not be so judgemental towards me. So, reading her stuff was getting me down, cut tht out and I was cheering up.

Now, the not sleeping and low mood could be down to the change of dosage, but man I feel crap. I’m really not sleeping well, and and so tired and have no energy again. I’m getting no motivation to do anything again, and need to snap out of it. I have turned to my recovery action plan, and it helps me for a few hours but then I go back to feeling really bad. I have braved a phone call to the doctors, and have an appointment on Tuesday.

I really hope she doesn’t up my dosage again though. Months of taking 30mg of Mirtazepine made me put on a hell of a lot of weight, and just 3-4 weeks of going back down to 15mg and I’ve lost just over half a stone (9ibs to be precise). So, I really don’t want to be putting weight back on. 

I’ve decided, I need to plan my days again, to pull me out of this slum and make sure my days are filled, following my daily maintenance plan. In this plan, I have a list of 6 things, to follow each day. So, although they can be done at any time of the day, I am going to set a time for each thing, to make sure I am following it.

I have until Tuesday to prove to not only the doctor, but myself, that I don’t need a higher dose of medication. I need to believe I can do this (life) on my own and with help from my friends. 

Okay, so there is one issue that I need help with, but other than that, I need to stop relying on professionals to help me. And once that issue is solved, then I’m sure things will get better anyways.

And a bonus, I have still managed to not cut or harm. The hair-pulling is still an issue. I find myself pulling out my hair a lot again, now that my sleep is really disturbed, I’m tired and agitated and keep forgetting about my Neocube, but the moment I pick it up, I stop pulling out my hair.

 

I can do this!

Need to learn to be assertive..

I love my friends to pieces, especially Louise because she has been here for me 100%. Her and her family are like my adoptive family; I call her Mum ‘Mummy’. I just get so many hugs and such love from that family that I don’t get at home.

I’ve recently spent a lot of time there, and it’s a nice break. Louise has also spent time at mine. For example, this week, she came home from work on Wednesday, stayed at mine Thursday, I stayed at hers Friday, and she stayed at mine last night. It’s great, and keeps me distracted, but my sleep gets worse. I don’t sleep at hers (just a thing where I don’t sleep at others houses) and when she stays at mine, we share my bed and I’m awful at bed sharing. Therefore when she goes back to work on Sundays, I’m left extremely tired. I need a week of just sleeping at mine, on my own, because even if I still struggle to sleep alone, I can relax more, and starfish across the bed.

The problem is, I’m always asked to either stay at hers, or her stay at mine and I can’t say “No”. I feel awful. She’s also going through a bad time, and needs me as much as I need her; I don’t want to say “No” and make her feel bad or like I’m not there for her.

I have a thing in my head what I want to say, but never say it.
“I know you’re going through a bad time, and I don’t mind coming to see you, or you coming mine but I don’t sleep well and need to have a few nights where I can lay in my own bed and chill”

It sounds so good in my head, but I get to the point where I want to say it, but just chicken out and don’t say it. I really don’t know what to do.

Waking up

I’m just so fed up of life now, that I dread waking up each morning.

Saturday night, I went to get my blade, but it wasn’t there. I had lost it. I went completely hysterical and started crying, so I got myself another blade and gave in and cut.

Last night, I took 1 prescribed sleeping tablet, and 2 over-the-counter ones. An hour later, thoughts were still running through my head and I took the final 2 zopiclone in my packet, and another 1 or 2 over-counter ones (can’t quite remember). It was a small overdose, and for a while, I was considering taking every single tablet I have. However, the drowsiness kicked in and I soon slept. I remember falling asleep hoping I don’t wake up. But, I’m annoyingly awake!

I have a sleep and relaxation group later, but I honestly can’t be bothered to go… Nothing really works other than zopiclone. I’ve tried several relaxation things but I just struggle to switch off my thoughts at night and don’t sleep.

I’ve ran out of zopiclone, and sleeping tablets are apparently addictive and they don’t usually give them out. But I wanna see the doctor and see if they can give me another prescription, but i don’t want a wasted trip to the doctors.

Sleeping pills

On Friday, I took another trip to the doctors and she gave me different antidepressants and a weeks worth of sleeping pills. The sleeping pills were for 7 nights, but you can either take 1 or 2 a night, but she said yo not take for more than 3 nights in a row. Altogether, there were 14 tablets.

I decided I’d try on 1 a night and see how they go, and they work wonders! I took 1 Friday, missed out Saturday because I was drinking, and took them Sunday, Monday and Tuesday night.

It’s now Wednesday, and for the last hour I’ve had “take one” and “dont, you can’t take them more than 3 nights in a row”. I just took my antidepressant, and was sat questioning whether to take the sleeping pill. I haven’t taken it, but I now understand why they’re addictive.

I am feeling very agitated and anxious that I won’t sleep tonight. It’s quite upsetting really, and I wanna cry. If I dont sleep, I know I’m gonna end up taking them every night until they run out. But, I should see the doctors next Friday again, and I know what she will say. I will want more, but she won’t give them and it will start a horrible downward spiral for me.

I need to sleep, my mood has been better from these few days of sleeping, and not sleeping is gonna make me worse again, I know it!

I’ve always said “I won’t get addicted to pills”, but when something so huge as sleep is being helped, you become addicted to needing that all the time; and I’ve only had 4 days of them!!!

I think I’m being quite good making myself not take one tonight. I just need my doctor to prescribe them on a repeat prescription.