Give me a break

some of you may know C wrote an article for a magazine about me. For that article, I “had my say”. 

Apparently I have been faking any mental illness that I have. That none of it was true and I know that it shouldn’t bother me, that I shouldn’t have to prove anything to anyone but I have to. I don’t like being called a liar when I’m not. 

I’ve struggled with mental health since I was 13 and being told that I’m making it all up hurts. 

So, here is a paragraph from a doctors report that I had done last year. 

Before the court case, I had never heard of Munchausen Syndrome. When this was said, I told my solicitor that I didn’t want it given to the court. It would have probably helped out. The doctors report was not, like C has been saying, dismissed by police or the judge or anyone. I refused to use it. I felt like I should get what I deserve and I felt like I didn’t want any of my mental illness to be used to get me out of trouble. That was MY CHOICE. I so wish I had used it now because then I’d have had proof of my mental illness and for that last 2 years, I would have not been called a liar, not been told that I am lying about self harm or anything else.
So here, have this and leave me alone!  

Moving On: Day 23

Today has been utter shit!

I saw photos of my old best friend’s wedding. That really upset me, but at first, I thought “fuck it, she wasn’t there for me when I needed a friend”. It still hurt but I tried to soften the blow.

I then saw a blog my C saying “enough is enough”. The tone of the blog was horrid. I’ve not posted one thing about her in weeks, yet when I do, because she mentioned me, well…. Her blog was just out of order.
It broke me, completely. I started crying, then I thought “I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to kill myself”. I just felt completely defeated. I still do. All I am trying to do is move on, but it seems I’m not allowed.
My upset turned to anger and I wanted to fight this, but then the anger disappeared and again, I just want to be dead. I don’t want to live and I’ve ended up cutting myself again, after months of not cutting.
The voices in my head are saying “the cuts are wimpy. They’re not proper cuts, they are just scratches” and “You have sleeping tablets by the side of your bed and a load of unused antidepressants around the room. You could take them. Everybody is out tomorrow. No one will know.” Except i know everyone is out, but i also know ny brother is off school, has special needs and I couldn’t do that to him. He will come upstairs around lunch time to ask for some lunch and find me overdosed and cut up and he wouldn’t know what to do. So right now, although I find it annoying as I usually have to plan stuff to fit with making sure he isn’t alone for too long, I’m kinda glad to have him as a brother because he is preventing me from doing any serious harm to myself.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I watched Arthur Christmas for the first time (have a soft spot for Xmas films)
2) I had a relaxing bath
3) The love I have for my brother has stopped be seriously hurting myself

Today’s Score: 0/5

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Moving On: Day 2

Today has been a struggle. ‘Moving on’ is hard, harder than it seems anyway.

Last night was another sleepless night and I feel really exhausted today. I woke up, and my sister text me with something she didn’t wanna talk about face to face, and told me not to question her, and so I can’t really post it on here, but if I could, I was so happy for her.
I got up, watched a lot of Friends, then allowed my sister to watch a thing called Catfish: The TV Show; it’s about a guy who helps people who have met people online, these people fall in love but never meet and usually end up not being who they say they are. (Ironic, I know – leave the witty comments please. I’ve thought them all myself)

Me and my sister then did our own Sunday Lunch. I did the chicken, and she did veg and gravy. It was the first tine I have ever cooked meat and personally, I would say I over-cooked to be a little cautious but my sister said it was perfect.

Me and sister then watched a movie on Netflix, she went to bed with a headache and I watched a lot more crap on Netflix, and tidied up a little.

I also received another message, on here and that’s where things got tough. I’m getting so fed up of these messages RE C. If C can write then so can I! However, on Friday, I decided no more writing about her, in the way I was and changing my blog to a daily journal type thing. Saying that, about previous posts, police and solicitor have said that I can write what I have as it is the truth. Naming her is the truth, and anything else of my opinion, is freedom of speech. It has been double-checked so back off with the comments. I am not harming anybody, but each message I get, I think “I don’t want to be alive anymore”.. I’m not suicidal, not threatening to kill myself, but I am sure, my mind is breaking each day, and these thoughts aren’t just gonna be thoughts soon.

So, another Netflix movie, and a chilled night, and hopefully I will sleep.

Have a good week folks x

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I’m sorry



I am sorry if I upset anyone yesterday.

I am do fed up of being written about all off the time. I get it’s my own fault, I really do and I’ve been punished, and I have to live with the consequences of losing friends and my career. Do I really deserve to be talked about every single day?

Do you not think I hate myself enough? I was friends with C and I still miss talking to her. She’s the only person who ever cared.

I got angry when someone messaged me on Twitter, so I thought I would respond; try and act like I didn’t give a fuck. But pretending made me feel worse.

I just want this to stop. And everytime I say them words, the only way I see it stopping is by not being here anymore. C isn’t going to stop it, and the regret and everything else is always gonna still be there. I don’t want to live. I don’t want to kill myself, there’s so much I want to do, but I don’t want to live anymore like this.

So, after this post. I won’t be talking about anyone anymore. What’s the use?

I really am sorry. That probably means nothing to people but I am.

I want to be C’s friend again. Without the lies, just a friend who was there for me. It’s never going to happen and I hate myself for that.

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I can’t pretend



I’ve tried so hard to move on, to forget things and I was doing okay. A lot of last year was spent worrying about court, about dealing with losing friends and my career, all because I made a stupid mistake. I became suicidal and found myself selfharming a lot (usually 2-3 times a week I would have my blade out, cutting my arms or legs). I went to counselling, at first seeing a counsellor called Steph who was great to talk to but I was stuck and couldn’t stop cutting so she referred me to a therapist called Rob and the 3 of us worked together. After the sessions with Rob ended, I was fine for a while and coping seemed easier.

In March time this year, things went downhill again. The woman who sent me to court, C was/is still blaming me for anything that goes wrong in her life, 2 years after I first contacted her. She started messaging my friends on Facebook and Twitter and just won’t ever leave me alone. What I did to her was wrong in so many ways, but the courts have punished me. She however, isn’t happy and still wants to destroy my life. She’s writing a book. Apparently it isn’t to harm or hurt me, but to warn others that the internet isn’t safe. I’m sure she can do that without naming me and telling my FB friends about what I did! So I don’t believe that. I believe she isn’t happy that she didn’t get exactly what she wanted and has turned like a spoilt child and wants to destroy me. Every Sunday, something seems to happen and she writes a blog post about me. My mum comes home and tells me, I sit there and say “I don’t wanna know, I don’t care” then go to my bedroom, hide under the covers and read it myself.

Well, C is getting her way. C is destroying me. Everyday, I struggle to get out of bed. Everyday, I think that killing myself is the best way for everyone. Everyday, I am fighting with myself not to get out my blade and start cutting again. In April, I went to my Doctor and after weeks of really suffering, I have finally got my appointment to return to counselling.

I’m sick of pretending I am happy. I’m not happy. I am dead inside and not sure how long I can stay alive for.

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Butterfly Project

Hello guys! 

I’m writing a book about mental health. It’s a fictional book for people, that has self-help ideas in there. You are following a girls journey through therapy, and the idea is that you can take away tips and techniques her therapist gives her to help her cope.

The first issues she deals with, is something I have dealt with myself – Self Harm. I have struggled with this since I was about 13/14 years old. This time around, I came across the Butterfly Project online, and it helped me a lot. 

I came up with the idea that, in my book, I post real pictures of people’s Butterflies, so that the reader gets a real understanding of what to do, from the pictures. 

So, I’m asking ya’ll to send me your Butterfly Project butterflies which I can put in my book. I will put your name by the picture if you wish, or put them in anonymously – whichever you want me to do. When you send me a picture, I will send you a little disclaimer for you to read, and accept me using your pictures.

The email address to send your pics to is butterflyproject14@gmail.com

If you are sending pictures, can you add your name and city or ANON so that I know.

 

Thank you in advance for any help

Are you ever 100% happy?

Well, lately my blogs have been happy. Life seems to have improved quite a bit.

However, the last few days, I’ve gone down a little.  My sleep has deteriorated a lot and has again, become somewhat nonexistent.  My counselling/therapy ended and my medication has been lowered.

I was on 30mg of Mirtazepine but it was making me too tired/sleepy and I struggled to wake up. So I then went half way between 15 & 30mg and took 1 and a half of 15mg = 22.5mg. That seemed to be going okay. Then, I ordered a repeat prescription. My doctor forgot to change the repeat to the 15 1/2 dose, and I ended up getting 30mg again. I really didn’t want to go the the Doctor’s again, I had been the day before RE a sore throat and just felt like I was being a pain. Instead, I just cut the 30mg in half and started taking 15mg again. I felt good for the 1st 2-3 weeks of taking 15mg. To me, that was positive, I was coping better. I had come to a decision to write my side of the story and ignore anything C was posting, so I stopped checking her blog. It had done me the world of good, and I was feeling good about life. I’m still not checking it out. She only repeats herself anyway, and my thoughts are that she’s not over her own childhood and is still angry about that, so is taking all her anger out at me. I also believe if she was over all of that, she would see my wrongdoing the way a therapist would, and not be so judgemental towards me. So, reading her stuff was getting me down, cut tht out and I was cheering up.

Now, the not sleeping and low mood could be down to the change of dosage, but man I feel crap. I’m really not sleeping well, and and so tired and have no energy again. I’m getting no motivation to do anything again, and need to snap out of it. I have turned to my recovery action plan, and it helps me for a few hours but then I go back to feeling really bad. I have braved a phone call to the doctors, and have an appointment on Tuesday.

I really hope she doesn’t up my dosage again though. Months of taking 30mg of Mirtazepine made me put on a hell of a lot of weight, and just 3-4 weeks of going back down to 15mg and I’ve lost just over half a stone (9ibs to be precise). So, I really don’t want to be putting weight back on. 

I’ve decided, I need to plan my days again, to pull me out of this slum and make sure my days are filled, following my daily maintenance plan. In this plan, I have a list of 6 things, to follow each day. So, although they can be done at any time of the day, I am going to set a time for each thing, to make sure I am following it.

I have until Tuesday to prove to not only the doctor, but myself, that I don’t need a higher dose of medication. I need to believe I can do this (life) on my own and with help from my friends. 

Okay, so there is one issue that I need help with, but other than that, I need to stop relying on professionals to help me. And once that issue is solved, then I’m sure things will get better anyways.

And a bonus, I have still managed to not cut or harm. The hair-pulling is still an issue. I find myself pulling out my hair a lot again, now that my sleep is really disturbed, I’m tired and agitated and keep forgetting about my Neocube, but the moment I pick it up, I stop pulling out my hair.

 

I can do this!