Light gives hope

Hi guys! 

Today has been a productive day. My sister went back to her boyfriend’s house at the weekend so my Hamster, Harley got to have is usual house back. (My sister hated him in the bedroom so he was in a small cage on the landing). So today has been spent getting my bedroom back to how I like it now that I don’t have to share it and taking photos of Harley enjoying his big cage.  

Tonight has been relaxing, me watching shows on Netflix, light dimmed and candles lit. 

I looked at one candle and decided that the way the wax was melting, to me, was pretty so I took a few photos until I had taken the perfect candle photo. If you have me on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram then you have probably already seen it. 

Just as I was admiring my ‘amazing’ photography skills, I remembered a quote – my favourite quote actually. I think the quote was originally said by someone else but I’m not sure. How I came across the quote is by watching Harry Potter. In the Prisoner of Azkaban, you are introduced to Dementors, a magical monster that drains all happiness from you, makes to world go icey cold, makes you feel as though you’ll never be happy again and makes you relive your most awful memories. The Dementors are JK Rowling’s metaphor for depression. I have often felt as if I have had Dementors following me constantly. 

I’m a massive Harry Potter fan and during one of my own ‘Dementor attacks’, I was watching Harry Potter and Dumbledore said,

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light”

This quote has never left me and has always helped me through difficult parts of my life. Because of that, I wanted to share you this edited photo of my candle. 

(PS I am usually rubbish at taking photos, this one makes me proud and happy) 



Sunday Walk

Okay, so me and my friend, Louise, went for our usual Sunday walk today, but we also took my dog, Diva. On the walk, Louise wanted me to change her name on this blog. I don’t use her real name, but she doesn’t want to be Louise, she wants to be a Pokemon. I have no idea what she said she wanted to be called, so I’ll go with Pikachu 😛

So; me, Pikachu and Diva went for a walk to a nearby village, had a drink and came home. Pikachu is leaving in a couple of weeks for a job, and so we decided in the next couple of weeks, we are gonna attempt to do a Selfie a day (or at least when we meet up.) Today, we tried to take one with Diva, and despite Diva being my dog, she won’t take a photo with me, but will will Pikachu.

So, here are some photos of today. I had such a great afternoon.

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A walk in the country

Yesterday was such a great day. The weather was wonderful and sunny and I made the most out of the weather.

Again; me, my friend and sister were house-sitting for my grandparents. After watching a movie, me and my friend decided we were bored and needed to do something to make the most of the weather. We went for a walk.

The walk was amazing. From the estate I live, you can cut through some fields to something we call the ‘old railway lines’ which is a popular walkway for walkers, dogwalkers, and cyclists. There are a few directions, but we decided to go to a nearby village. The walk took about 50 minutes and we stopped and had a drink in the pub then made our way back. On our way back, we decided to walk the main road way back, which was doable but there were no paths and in the country lanes, well there was a lack of cars but when one did drive past, they were quite fast. The walk back took a little longer but was so worth it. The views were amazing and we walked past, and stopped to look at all the farm animals.

It was literally a breath of fresh air and great for the mind. It did me a world of good and was great for my mental health. The job I was in didn’t work out. They expected me to work 10pm-3am and treated me like shit; which despite all the positive lately, made me feel quite low. This walk cleared my head, me and my friend chatted and I decided to quit the job. Which I did today so things are going to be good again.

Also, I work as admin at a community centre. My boss runs the community centre, and is a therapist. We talked today, and she thinks I should train as a counsellor, and so does my friend B from here. I am gonna look into doing this asap! 😀

Once again, things are looking up! 😀

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Just a life update.

I had a low day the other day, missing my friend, and another argument with my sister, but other than that, life seems to be good.

I had my last counselling session on the 26th Feb and although I’m still on file, in case of a crisis, for 3 months, I don’t have to return.

The service I used is called Emotional Wellbeing and they have helped me so much in the last year. My first counsellor, Steph (not her real name) helped me keep a straight-ish head throughout the court case. At the time, I was self harming and suicidal; I didn’t need someone who would send me to St Georges (the local mental health hospital) because I was suicidal, although I know it must have been tough to decide whether to refer me or not and eventually she did, but the psychologist there wasn’t very helpful. Also, clients at emotional wellbeing are only given 8-12 sessions, Steph continued to see me more than the 12 session to help me through everything, on the belief that after court, things would start looking up. However, they didn’t, and things got worse to the point of being scared to leave the house, harming almost daily and still suicidal. She asked if I wanted to be referred to one of EWB therapists who could help more, I said I was scared and didn’t fancy going through all my stuff again. So she suggested I see Rob, and work something out. It was then planned that I see Rob and Steph together, Rob for a different approach, and Steph there to share my notes and what she already knew. I had my sessions with R and S and they worked well. I’ve been given an Wellness Recovery Action Plan and when I’m low, I have so many things to help lift me up again, and if each fails you end up with the crisis plan which is a last resort when I’m at my wits end wanting to kill myself.

So despite the low day, I have been great. Even got myself a paid job and just waiting for a start date!
I’ve lost friend on the way, but have a handful of great friends who have stuck with me, and always will. I’ve told my story, and now the future is looking up!

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Enjoying myself

Hey there Bloggers!

Well, although I have moments where I’m feeling down, low and still get times where I am suicidal, and these aren’t just an hour or day long, they can last a few days – a week.

But despite that, I am feeling so much better most of the time. I work voluntary, which gives me a sense of purpose and just before Christmas, I restarted gymnastics. When I first started back up, I couldn’t do a thing. I was really inflexible, and couldn’t even do a handstand. It had been about 8/9 months since doing anything and i had to retrain my body and muscles to stretch.

Today, a friend came with me and took a few pics. I look really fat in them and need to lose weight. (My medications puts on weight, and I’ve not exactly helped myself by watching what i eat lately). Despite the fatness, you can tell I’m enjoying myself. I’m actually really happy in the photos and videos. My life is becoming fun again. And I just want to share a couple photos.

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I’m really loving my new job!

I’m only on day 2 but it’s great. The company is a drama group that do workshops and also dramatherapy. They’ve just taken over the community centre by me, and my main role is doing the admin stuff for that, rather than the drama group. I’m still settling in, as are they but I seem to be doing quite well in it. I’m only voluntary at the moment, but they’re hoping that one day we could be paid, and even if that’s not the case, it’s a great experience and something to add onto my CV which hopefully could get me into paid work.

Today, N.B, the manager thanked me and said that they didn’t know how much they needed me until I was there.

As they’re new there themselves, everything is a little unorganized and I’m starting to organize things, which is giving me a sense of importance. I actually feel wanted and needed. I love it!

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The Voice In My Head

We all have a voice or two in our heads; the little angels and devils on our shoulders etc. The little voice talks to you when no one else will, it tells you what’s wrong or right, it judges things in life. However much it can be useful, it’s also destructive, and that is what this post is going to be about.

With depression and anxiety, and anything else that is negative; the little voice becomes destructive. I’ve heard it be called ‘The Poisonous Parrot’- if you were to imagine a parrot on your shoulder criticising everything, like “Why bother? You’ll fail anyway”.

We need to find a way to destroy this parrot, because that parrot is a liar!

This morning, that b*****d told me today was gonna be rubbish, that I will be low. And damn! I soon became low because the parrot told me I was. But then I had a visit from ‘The Truthful Turkey’, now he is too big to sit on my shoulder, and when he speaks, it’s hard to hear so you have to work harder at listening to what he says. I heard him today, he said “If you lie in bed thinking, you will be down” so I got up and did things. I felt better.

I can’t remember the film, but a boy was scared to do something, and he’s told to “whistle a happy tune” and others will believe you’re happy, but I also think if you tell yourself positive things, they will come your way. As soon as you start being negative, subconsciously, you only see negative, but if you even pretend to be positive, you should start to see positive things.