Moving On: Day 100

Day 100! Wow! Thank you to all of you that read these posts and thank you for all your comments and likes. It really means a lot.

I’m still not well. My cold seems to have gotten a lot worse and now, I’m also feeling sick. I feel as if at some point I’m just going to throw up!
This really sucks as a I start my new job tomorrow and I can’t be sick on my first day! With the cold comes a cough and extreme lack of energy but nothing or no one is going to stop me from working!

Today has been another lazy day.
I woke up this morning and spent the morning watching films. I then went downstairs for some lunch and managed to eat most of it despite my cold making everything taste awful!
After lunch, I came back upstairs and went on to my laptop. I applied for a job, yes I have one but it isn’t what I want to do so I’m going to still look and apply when I can. I then went onto Pottermore to play a few magical games.
Just after 6pm, I went and had a hot bath. I’m now going to get things ready for tomorrow, go downstairs and make myself some lunch for tomorrow and then watch X Factor and come to bed, setting my alarm for 5am 😣

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I watched Hoodwinked
2) I went on Pottermore
3) I ate almost all of my Sunday lunch.

Today’s score: 3/5

Ps.. I think I have a slight fear of sneezing. I keep trying to hold them back!

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Moving on: Day 97

Right now, I feel shit! I’ll explain why in a bit but let’s just start with today…

This morning, I woke up and had to go to Shaw Trust to fill out some forms to be able to be given a 4-week bus pass so I can get to work. I felt really tired this morning. It seems like I have just been busy every day this week and I’m really exhausted.
After getting the pass, I came home and ate the donuts I bought from Alton Towers yesterday. They’re only small donuts so I bought 5, but they’re so addictive!! I ate one, then thought I’d have another, an hour later I had another then somehow I had eaten 4 and felt slightly sick. (I ate the 5th after my dinner – totally not gonna be able to slack off at all at cheerleading tomorrow night)

This afternoon, I just felt like I couldn’t stay awake and so went to bed and napped until about 2:45pm. I then lay in bed playing a bingo game I have on my phone.
Tomorrow for cheerleading (it being Halloween), we get to dress up. It’s not normal ghost and witches dress up, it’s themed as “When I grow up I wanna be…” And I don’t really have cash to buy an outfit, I have several fancy dress outfits already but they’re all a bit X-rated. The only outfit that is suitable for cheerleading is a zebra outfit I have so, “When I grow up, I want to be a Zebra” LOL…. Because of that, I painted my nails in a zebra print design and also caught up on this weeks Hollyoaks.
At around 5:30pm, I went downstairs to get something to eat. I couldn’t really see anything I liked so got some oven cook potato hoops and had a plate full of them and some bread.
My dad then came home.

Earlier on, my mum told me my dad is starting work earlier and so would probably give me a lift into town to get the bus at 6.12am to get to work. So, I asked my dad.
He really kicked off big time. It really annoys me because when my sister was at home and going to work, he would usually give her a lift into town, whenever she wants picking up from anywhere, he does it. BUT ME, I get yelled at, get told “well you should have thought about all of this when you went for the job” it was basically a “no” then he said “I’ll be leaving at 5:50am. You had better be up and ready then I’m just leaving and when you get paid, it’s £5 a week diesel”… I’m thankful he said yes but this is what has made me feel shit. My sister can get anything from him, whenever he drove her to town, she never had to pay for diesel. She never got yelled at for asking for a lift. I hate it. For once, if I ask my mum or dad for a favour I would just like them to say “yes” without moaning or complaining like they do with T.

Now, I’ve just had a bath to try and calm me down but it didn’t work so I decided to write this.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I ate 5 donuts
2) I painted my nails
3) I spoke to Pilachu

Today’s Score: 2/5

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Moving On: Day 90

Can it really be day 90?!! It seems so.
Have I it am I moving on? I am, slowly. It’s hard but it’s getting easier.
Before, I used to check C’s blog every single day just to see if there was anything new. Then, I started these “Moving On” posts and told myself not to check. That seemed to fail, I still checked and I still got angry and posted responses on here then one day I had therapy. My therapist doesn’t really help me that much, I really need to pluck up the courage and ask to see someone else but I can’t do it. Anyway, this one time he said something that stuck in my head, “when you come here and tell me what she says, it’s like déjà vu. Does she always, pretty much write the same things?” My answer was simply “Yes. It’s always the same.” So then he asked why, if it’s always the same to I always read it. And from that point on, I haven’t read her blog posts. I don’t see the need. My mum will still come to me and say “have you seen what’s she’s written” and my reply is always “No. I don’t bother anymore. I’m not bothered it’s always the same”.. I wish my mum would get the hint and stop too.
The other day, I asked her to drop some books of at the library for me. She decided to ask the woman if they have C’s new book then said “Nevermind I wouldn’t read that shit anyway”… Seriously, my mum has become so obsessed with this that it is making it hard for me to move on. I’m getting there. I don’t have the urges to check things now, and when by mum starts to try and tell me what’s being said, I stop her and tell her that I’m not bothered. Everyday I go without reading her stuff gets easier and although I am still having anxiety and depression and struggle, I’ve found that it’s not down to her. I don’t worry about what she says. I don’t spend half my time writing out replies that I can never send her. It’s a massive relief.
My anxiety and depression is formed by myself. The things I did and how they’ve affected me, rather than because somebody has wrote about me.
I’m halfway to moving on completely, I just need my mum to move on too and leave it.

So today, I woke up at around 10 after a really good nights sleep and finally downloaded Tara Sue Me’s new book, The Chalet. Tara Sue Me writes stories similar to 50 Shades. I couldn’t get into 50 shades but for some reason, Tara’s first trilogy had me hooked. Then she started another series called Partners in Play. I read the first book out of them and it’s been a while since she has released another book. This week, she returned to the first trilogy (The Submissive Trilogy) and The Chalet is about this couple’s Honeymoon. OMG. I downloaded it this morning and am already over halfway through reading it!
If you’re into BDSM books, I would recommend Tara Sue Me!

At lunch time I went downstairs and had lunch, read more and then at around 4.45pm I got hungry again and ate more stew – finishing off what my nan had given me 2 days ago! Food has been an issue in the last few days with me feeling sick when I eat. Today I have managed to eat a little more than what I have been doing but paid the price of feeling sick since.

Feeling sick, I came upstairs and rested on my bed reading more of The Chalet. I then looked for jobs but didn’t manage to find any new ones to apply for.

That’s about it for today I’m afraid.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I downloaded a new book
2) I’ve read the new book
3) I spoke to a friend

Today’s Score: 3/5

Moving On: Day 75

Well I’m feeling a bit shit whilst writing this.
The day started of okay, I woke up feeling tired but I had planned to have a good, positive day. As planned yesterday, even if I felt crap, to pretend to be okay and happy and maybe confuse my brain into believing I am.

My alarm went off at 9am, I got up and showered and sorted myself out. I found a mobile hairdresser a few days ago and today, I was getting my hair cut. I told her how much I wanted off, and my hair is still quite long. You should have seen the amount of hair chopped off, yet I still have a nice length so you can imagine how long my hair had actually got.
After my hair cut, I felt good. I felt like “Yes, this day is going to be good like I planned”

Nope, it went downhill.

I looked in my diary and I hadn’t written in my therapy appointment so I thought I would ring up and double check my appointment was at 1.30pm. I’m glad I rung up because it was actually 12.30.
I rushed about and left.

Before my appointment, I had planned to go and get my DBS (police check) photocopied and hand it in to the Peer Mentoring place. I did that then went therapy.

I sat in the waiting room and 12.30 came. The receptionist came out and told me that A was stuck in traffic and is a little late. He arrived at about 12.45 and we went upstairs. He then said he needed to go to the toilet and sort my file out and he would be 5 mins. 10 mins later her came in with the question form I have to fill out each time about how I’ve been. He then said he was going to get a drink and asked if I wanted one (I asked for water). Finally, 1pm he was in the room and we began our session.
1.25pm “I have another appointment now so we have to end it there”. So, an appointment that is supposed to be an hour didn’t happen, usually with A we only have 45 minutes though but today, after everything was sorted, we only had 25 minutes.
A is a great person to talk to but he never really helps me. The sessions are short and there is usually about 3 weeks between sessions. My next appointment is 5th November!
My friend B, has said I need to tell the receptionist and try and change my therapist or tell A that its not working so he can refer me to someone else but I can’t build up the courage to do that. I feel rude. I know I need to, but it’s hard.

I then came home feeling exhausted and went to bed, falling asleep for a couple of hours until my sister came home. When she got back, we watched The Lion King whilst eating crap food.

Halfway through the film, my stomach started really hurting and I felt sick. I ran to the bathroom and well… I’ll save you the gory details.
After that, I felt awful and didn’t feel like sitting up to watch the film so I was lay on my bed on my phone. I checked my emails.

Part of an email I received:
“I’ve tried calling you a couple of times but keep getting an engaged tone so thought best to email you. From the results on the DBS check we would be unable to employ you in a volunteer capacity or in a paid position due to the nature of the convictions on the DBS.”

There you go. The thing that’s completely, finally broken me. I didn’t apply for this job to access vulnerable people like people say. I wanted to do this to help people, to prevent them from going down the wrong path like I did and to help them. I thought that because I’ve been there, I’ve made bad choices, I’ve been through my own mental health issues, that I could help them too.
There’s nothing to say I can’t work with children but nothing is written down for adults. The problem is, this role is with young people. They work with 10-19 year olds and I assumed I could be a mentor to an over 16 but obviously not.

I feel awful. This was something I was really excited about. It’s my own fault. I made up horrid lies.
I don’t even know what to think or do.
I could easily not write this post. This post is going to make someone ecstatic, give them something to write about.
I don’t care anymore. Say what you want to say because nothing can destroy me more than what I already feel.
I’m not here to lie or make things up or make people feel awful. I’m here to try and move on with my life.

But now, how do I even move on now? One reason I was excited about starting this new role was because it would have been a great chance to move on and make a difference.
I can’t do that now.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I had my hair cut
2) I watched Lion King
3) my sister gave me a Batman top

Today’s Score: 1/5

Moving On: Day 70

Today has been a low sort of day. Again, I slept okay but I woke up feeling exhausted. I just feel so drained today it’s unbelievable.

My appointment time at the job centre has now been changed to a time that sucks. My time now means that I can’t make it to cheerleading on time. I mean I could go by train instead of bus and taxi from the train station but that’s quite pricey and I still end up being about 10 minutes late. Which isn’t too bad really, it just means I have to warm up and stretch on my own. I decided that if I have that spare extra money to go, I will.

So today I watched TV until about 12.30 then got ready and left for my appointment at Shaw Trust at 2pm. After my appointment, I decided to go into town instead of back home. So I walked around town a little and went to the library to use their computers. I applied for a couple of jobs and then went in Facebook and Twitter. I haven’t really used Facebook on a PC for a while, just on my phone so today when I went on the PC I saw I had a message in the ‘Others’ file.

This message was from a Kirsty Smith saying I’m a liar and blah blah blah. The usual shit I get. (Please come up with some more crap. I’m bored now!) This message was from September but what makes me really laugh (and the same has happened before) someone sends me a message and then blocks me so I can’t reply! Do you know what that’s tells me?? You’re a coward! You can’t handle me possibly replying to you so you hide behind a computer then block me. Really, if you haven’t got tits to allow me a reply don’t bother. I’ll always have bigger tits than any of you (quite literally, I’m an E cup). So yes, that quite angered me.

I then went to my job centre appointment, booked the next 2 Friday’s “off” for my holiday and came home.

I’m starting to feel a little better, tonsil wise, now. It still hurts to eat this making me the worlds slowest eater right now but I am eating and drinking pretty normally. The only issue is that I feel so so drained. I rung the doctors up again today for my test results, but they weren’t back so I have to try again Monday. Honestly, by the time Monday comes, I think my throat will be back to normal and the results will be pointless! I don’t know why it takes so long!

Back at home, I had some chips then came upstairs feeling tired. I didn’t mean to but I fell asleep and woke at around 7.30pm with my teddy bears ass in my face and my gripping onto my bag! I hope falling asleep earlier won’t affect me sleeping tonight.

I then went downstairs to watch X Factor, watched a bit more TV and plan on going bed soon.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I went into town
2) I booked a hair appointment for next week
3) I read some of The Night Rainbow

Today’s Score: 2/5

Moving On: Day 67

After being sick all day yesterday with a fever and sore throat, the night didn’t really improve although, I did sleep more than Sunday night. I still struggled working out whether I was cold and wanted to wrap up or hot and wanted to strip off. My body temp was going up and down faster than a yo-yo! Not to mention my sore throat – I made 2 trips to the kitchen to get water, the second time I just filled a 1litre bottle up so that I could keep it on my bed if I needed it. But at some point (quicker than Sunday night) I did fall asleep and by the time I woke up, the fever didn’t seem to be there. The sore throat however, was much worse so I booked in to see my doctor.

The doctor checked me over and said I had a “bacterial infection” on my tonsils. She took a swab so she could see what has caused it and I need to ring back at the end of the week for results. She also said that because it’s bacterial, antibiotics wouldn’t help and so gave me a spray which acts as a pain killer called, ‘Benzydamine’. You’re supposed to spray 4-8 times every 1 half-3 hours so I am trying to do 4 times every 1 half hours which equals 8 every 3 hours but more gradual. Sometimes it seems to help ease the pain a little but others not so much. Today I have managed to eat. It hurts to swallow so instead of meals, I’ve been snacking, when I say snacking, Greggs had 2 for 1 on sausage rolls so I had sausage roll for lunch and a sausage roll for dinner and a chocolate bar… Not healthy but shhhh.

After my doctors appointment, I went into town. I went to the post office to deliver something and then went to the library. I returned some books and picked up 2 more. Usually when I pick books, I follow a certain Author or genre and don’t tend to venture to new things, or I read something someone has recommended. Today, I picked 2 books at random because I liked the cover art on them.
The first one I picked is called “The Night Rainbow” and I have read the first 2 chapters and I am starting to enjoy it. Depression seems to have killed my ability to read. At the moment I either can’t get hooked into a book like normal (that’s why I decided to just pick randomly today) and reading the first couple of chapters, I’ve found myself having to go back a couple of pages to remember where they are or what they are doing as I keep forgetting. And it’s not as if I’ve put the book down and gone back to it, I have just read these chapters without stopping but my depression seems to be making me unable to concentrate or take things in.
That being said, I have enjoyed what I have read so far and hope I can read to the end and say the same thing.

After town, I came home and Skyped my friend and then did a job search. I went downstairs for a bit to eat my 2nd sausage roll and my dad came home from work. Him and my mum started an argument and I just couldn’t be around it so came back upstairs and had a bath, then started reading the book (as mentioned above).

Today’s 3 positives:
1) I went to town
2) I picked 2 random books and started to read one
3) I had a greggs sausage roll

Today’s Score: 3/5

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Moving On: Day 52

Another peaceful day today. Ignoring things seems to be getting a lot easier each day. Bye bye C, hello life!

Although peaceful, I have kind of felt quite sick today and I’ve no idea why.

This morning, me and my sister watched TV and then I went for a walk, thinking the fresh air would make me feel better. It didn’t. I came home and went to rest in bed for a bit. I got bored though and took selfies with my teddy which I will share with you guys.

I then went on Netflix and decided to start watching something. I picked a 6-part series called Pramface and it was quite good. A comedy drama about a couple of teens who sleep together then she gets pregnant and it’s about that 9 months. I cried at the end when the baby was born. It all just felt emotional. Although, I seem to be very emotional at things lately. I think it’s tiredness but who knows.

I’ve then had a couple of text conversations with a couple of people and plan on going downstairs to watch TV.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I went for a walk
2) I watched a series on Netflix
3) I had a chilled day

Today’s Score: 3/5

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