Insomnia Worries

For years I have had troubles with insomnia. The worst of it getting so bad to only be getting 1-2 hours sleep at night. 

Doctors never seem to give me any long term help. I get given 7-14 Zopiclone tablets, 1 to be take when needed. My last prescription was at the beginning of March for 7 tablets, supposed to last me 2 weeks as you’re not supposed to take one every night, they lasted me about 9 days. 

When I go through these huge insomniac spells, the only thing that ever works is those Zopiclone tablets and I become so desperate to sleep, I don’t follow those rules. They never usually last but 1 nights sleep followed by a sleepless night doesn’t sort me out. I need a good 7 days of decent sleep to rest my body and function properly. So that’s the reason I don’t follow the instructions.

So it’s been 2-3 weeks since I ran out of my 7 Zopiclone tablets. Then I had a couple of nights where I had decent sleep without them, then fell back into nights of tossing and turning, where no matter how or where you lie, you can’t get comfortable. I can’t even explain how frustrated I got, how each day the struggle to get out of bed became worse. 

For the last 5/6 nights, I’ve slept pretty well. Falling asleep is still tough but once I’m asleep, I’ve actually been in a deep sleep and slept for about 5/6 hours. My mood has slowly been getting better now that I’m sleeping better but there’s always a worry that ‘tonight I probably won’t sleep. This isn’t going to last for long’. 

I dread going to bed. I never know if I’m going to be falling asleep or if I’m going to lie for hours on end waiting for a decent time to say “it’s time to wake up”, an acceptable time to get up and dressed and start the day. 

I hope these last few nights last, I doubt they will but it’d be so nice. 

Doctors do help

I’ve done enough moaning on here, facebook and twitter, and to friends ect that the NHS are crap and that no one has listened to me…. blah blah blah.

Well, after almost a fortnight of little to no sleep, I went to the Doctors. I explained how my sleep has deteriorated again and that the lack of sleep was making me feel crap again and she helped in a way. Since ending counselling with Steph and Rob, I haven’t had anyone physically here with me, to talk to. I mean I have my friends B and N but that’s just texting as they don’t live in my town (How selfish of them :p) and I have my other friend N, she’s here, but she has her own stuff going on and I can’t talk to her. So, I’ve started to feel quite lonely again, and quite honestly, I am fighting so hard no to find someone online who I can talk to. Lonliness was what caused me to message C in the first place, at the time, I didn’t see I was causing her so much pain, and was focused solely on getting someone to listen to me. I had no idea I could get in trouble for it. But now I do, and I so badly need someone to listen to me right now, I could easily message someone, I wouldn’t lie again, but I could message a person and tell them how crap I’m feeling. But I won’t. It might sound like a huge achievement, but to me I’m scared. I am a lot stronger though, and have coping methods that I am putting into practice. It is just talking a while to see results.

Anyways, I went to the doctor, she said something I already knew, I need to open up to people more. But she has also reverted on monthly visits and put me back to fortnightly visits to make sure I don’t become too low again, and she said that if I’m still feeling crap when I go back in 2 weeks, we will discuss being referred back to Emotional Wellbeing (the service I was with).

Emotional Wellbeing have been great for me; they helped me a lot. I just really hope I don’t have to be referred again so soon. I had my last appointment in February and it would just be quite embarrassing to go back so soon and admit I’m not coping that well. So, I have 2 weeks to pick myself up.

Today though, I tried with the whole ‘picking myself up’ stuff. I took my dog for a walk, ate healthily and exercised, plus had a really fun chat with my friend S from Canada. However, whilst walking my dog, I just felt really low. The moment we hit the field, I wanted to go back home and curl up in bed. But, I continued walking, not the route I planned, but a shorter one that lasted 20 minutes. Then, walking back, Diva (dog) decided to stop every couple of meters. Diva is an Akita and is hard to move, so I had to stop too. It’s really bad but I got so frustrated. I just wanted to go home and I yelled at her 😥 (I made up for it at home by giving her some treats and half a chicken that I cooked for my lunch). I still felt awful though and it’s scaring me how extreme my moods are. I’m either really happy, really down or really angry. I’m never ok or good, they are extreme and I don’t know why.. :s

Are you ever 100% happy?

Well, lately my blogs have been happy. Life seems to have improved quite a bit.

However, the last few days, I’ve gone down a little.  My sleep has deteriorated a lot and has again, become somewhat nonexistent.  My counselling/therapy ended and my medication has been lowered.

I was on 30mg of Mirtazepine but it was making me too tired/sleepy and I struggled to wake up. So I then went half way between 15 & 30mg and took 1 and a half of 15mg = 22.5mg. That seemed to be going okay. Then, I ordered a repeat prescription. My doctor forgot to change the repeat to the 15 1/2 dose, and I ended up getting 30mg again. I really didn’t want to go the the Doctor’s again, I had been the day before RE a sore throat and just felt like I was being a pain. Instead, I just cut the 30mg in half and started taking 15mg again. I felt good for the 1st 2-3 weeks of taking 15mg. To me, that was positive, I was coping better. I had come to a decision to write my side of the story and ignore anything C was posting, so I stopped checking her blog. It had done me the world of good, and I was feeling good about life. I’m still not checking it out. She only repeats herself anyway, and my thoughts are that she’s not over her own childhood and is still angry about that, so is taking all her anger out at me. I also believe if she was over all of that, she would see my wrongdoing the way a therapist would, and not be so judgemental towards me. So, reading her stuff was getting me down, cut tht out and I was cheering up.

Now, the not sleeping and low mood could be down to the change of dosage, but man I feel crap. I’m really not sleeping well, and and so tired and have no energy again. I’m getting no motivation to do anything again, and need to snap out of it. I have turned to my recovery action plan, and it helps me for a few hours but then I go back to feeling really bad. I have braved a phone call to the doctors, and have an appointment on Tuesday.

I really hope she doesn’t up my dosage again though. Months of taking 30mg of Mirtazepine made me put on a hell of a lot of weight, and just 3-4 weeks of going back down to 15mg and I’ve lost just over half a stone (9ibs to be precise). So, I really don’t want to be putting weight back on. 

I’ve decided, I need to plan my days again, to pull me out of this slum and make sure my days are filled, following my daily maintenance plan. In this plan, I have a list of 6 things, to follow each day. So, although they can be done at any time of the day, I am going to set a time for each thing, to make sure I am following it.

I have until Tuesday to prove to not only the doctor, but myself, that I don’t need a higher dose of medication. I need to believe I can do this (life) on my own and with help from my friends. 

Okay, so there is one issue that I need help with, but other than that, I need to stop relying on professionals to help me. And once that issue is solved, then I’m sure things will get better anyways.

And a bonus, I have still managed to not cut or harm. The hair-pulling is still an issue. I find myself pulling out my hair a lot again, now that my sleep is really disturbed, I’m tired and agitated and keep forgetting about my Neocube, but the moment I pick it up, I stop pulling out my hair.

 

I can do this!

Doctors, medication and a little more confidence

As ny previous post says, I went to the doctors on Monday. I was quite proud. Usually I’m too scared to mention anything about the medication, unless I think it’s not working. This time was different, I needed to tell her that I was becoming too tired on 30mg, and I did. There isn’t anything between 15mg and 30mg, but she prescribed me 15mg and told me to take 1 and a half instead. And in this week, I’ve actually felt the difference. I’m sleeping just as well most nights, and I’m able to wake up without feeling like crap. I still get tired as the day goes on, but who doesn’t? So, I think this is definitely a good thing.

Also mentioned in my previous post, I have been on a course all week. It’s customer service training, and employability added in as a bonus. We’ve learnt about positive customer service, but also about making good first impressions at an interview. Before this course, I’ve never been able to speak in front of a group, haunted my my old English teacher who, during a presentation I had to give at school, compared me to Stevie Wonder, made the class laugh at me and told me I’ve “failed horribly and sit back down”. I was always shy and so did my speaking thing with my eyes shut. It blocked out that people were there watching me, but he laughed, made fun of me by referring me as Stevie Wonder which also made the class laugh at me. Since then, I’ve refused to speak in front of people. So this week, we’ve been asked to show off our work a lot. Usually in pairs or groups, but I did it, and even spoke. Not saying that I would now quite happily volunteer, but it’s something I can now do! Also during the end of Thursday, we were each given a list of jobs to apply for. Within 1 hour of applying for a catering assistant job, I had a call to arrange an interview! So, hopefully, when I have this interview, it will be the last interview I need to have in a long time. I hope that I get this job. I will be sad to have to leave the place I volunteer for, but I do need a paid job. So, bring on my new found confidence and interview skills, and watch this space!

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Medication issues

I’ve finally found ab antidepressant that is working. A massive issue for me was the lack of sleep. I was going 8-9 nights without any sleep, then only sleeping from pure exhaustion but still only getting a few hours. I had gone months taking sleeping tablets, and you’re only supposed to take them for a couple weeks as they’re addictive. This on top of antidepressants and I was still suicidal and self harming – I was not feeling better. Then the Dr changed ny antidepressant to one that makes me sleep; I was put on 15mg of Mirtazapine.

For the first week or two, they seemed to work, my mood was a bit shaky but also improved some. But after 6 weeks, again I wasn’t sleeping. The effects if the tablet weren’t working so the doctor gave me 30mg.
Since taking the 30mg, I’ve managed not to cut. I’ve had low, suicidal feelings, but not as much and I seem able to cope better, and I’m sleeping with them.
The only problem now is that I’m really tired. I struggle to get up in the mornings, and all day I’m tired. This week, I started my job (only a few hours a day), and returned to swimming, and carried on with doing gymnastics. The medication makes me put on weight so need to keep fit and healthy. This week has seemed so packed which hasn’t helped with the sleepiness at all. I just feel exhausted. The 30g is working but I’m so tired from them.
I’ve got an appointment with my Dr on Wednesday and so going to tell her then that I’m so tired.

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Waking up

I’m just so fed up of life now, that I dread waking up each morning.

Saturday night, I went to get my blade, but it wasn’t there. I had lost it. I went completely hysterical and started crying, so I got myself another blade and gave in and cut.

Last night, I took 1 prescribed sleeping tablet, and 2 over-the-counter ones. An hour later, thoughts were still running through my head and I took the final 2 zopiclone in my packet, and another 1 or 2 over-counter ones (can’t quite remember). It was a small overdose, and for a while, I was considering taking every single tablet I have. However, the drowsiness kicked in and I soon slept. I remember falling asleep hoping I don’t wake up. But, I’m annoyingly awake!

I have a sleep and relaxation group later, but I honestly can’t be bothered to go… Nothing really works other than zopiclone. I’ve tried several relaxation things but I just struggle to switch off my thoughts at night and don’t sleep.

I’ve ran out of zopiclone, and sleeping tablets are apparently addictive and they don’t usually give them out. But I wanna see the doctor and see if they can give me another prescription, but i don’t want a wasted trip to the doctors.

Sleeping pills

On Friday, I took another trip to the doctors and she gave me different antidepressants and a weeks worth of sleeping pills. The sleeping pills were for 7 nights, but you can either take 1 or 2 a night, but she said yo not take for more than 3 nights in a row. Altogether, there were 14 tablets.

I decided I’d try on 1 a night and see how they go, and they work wonders! I took 1 Friday, missed out Saturday because I was drinking, and took them Sunday, Monday and Tuesday night.

It’s now Wednesday, and for the last hour I’ve had “take one” and “dont, you can’t take them more than 3 nights in a row”. I just took my antidepressant, and was sat questioning whether to take the sleeping pill. I haven’t taken it, but I now understand why they’re addictive.

I am feeling very agitated and anxious that I won’t sleep tonight. It’s quite upsetting really, and I wanna cry. If I dont sleep, I know I’m gonna end up taking them every night until they run out. But, I should see the doctors next Friday again, and I know what she will say. I will want more, but she won’t give them and it will start a horrible downward spiral for me.

I need to sleep, my mood has been better from these few days of sleeping, and not sleeping is gonna make me worse again, I know it!

I’ve always said “I won’t get addicted to pills”, but when something so huge as sleep is being helped, you become addicted to needing that all the time; and I’ve only had 4 days of them!!!

I think I’m being quite good making myself not take one tonight. I just need my doctor to prescribe them on a repeat prescription.