Moving On: Day 102

Trigger Warning loss/grief/suicide

Late last night or should I say early morning, I woke up and felt extremely low. I don’t know even know how to describe how I was feeling. I don’t think I was even low. I don’t think I even felt any kind of strong emotion. I just woke up and the voices had returned telling me that if I didn’t kill myself, bad things would happen. I have no idea where them thoughts sprouted from but they hit me hard. The thoughts of killing myself kept going through my mind; how I’d do it, when, would I just do it or leave a note??? All of these things were bugging me.
Somehow, I managed to fall asleep and I woke up at around 10:30am. Things then became emotional. The fact that this month is November hit me. November 28th 2013, I had a phone call and the words have never left my mind, “Hello Jade, it’s T Coral’s mum. It’s not good news I’m afraid. Coral died this morning”. That moment, my heart broke. Coral and I had been friends all our lives. Literally. When I was 1 and a half years, my mum and dad moved into the house we are in now. At the same time, Coral’s mum had moved in the same street and our parents became friends. I obviously don’t remember that far back, but I’m told that when our parents came round each other’s house, we would play together, coral, my sister and me. At 2 years old, we went to the same playgroup and then primary school. We went to different highschools and when she was 13, they moved across country – a 4 hour drive away. We still wrote letters to each other and phoned each other and when MSN became available we spoke pretty much every night. When Coral would come back to this town, she would usually stay at mine. She also came to our birthdays and on the year anniversary of her heart transplant we spent the day at Alton Towers.
At the end of October/ beginning of November last year Coral was telling me that she was really unwell, that she had conory artery disease and angina and that she could probably never have kids. I felt heart broken for her. All of my problems felt tiny compared to hers but I told myself “coral wasn’t meant to live. As a baby, her mum was told to take her home to die. She would get through this.” A few weeks later and I get that phone call.
So today, all of these memories flooded my head and I just felt lost. I really just wanted to Facebook her or call her, I want to be able to send a Christmas card soon. It bloody hurts a lot despite it being almost a year.

Anyways, after getting up, I took a walk, came home and had lunch and then went to bed. I’m still not well and the walk just exhausted me. I then cleaned up my room a little – picking things up, dusting and hoovering. Then I came downstairs and watched TV and patiently waited for my nan/grandad to come round with my stew. At a around 7pm, the stew arrived and I are it up.

I’ve since been sat playing games and watching TV.

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I took a walk
2) I had my nan’s stew
3) I spoke to a friend

Today’s score: 1/5