Insomnia Worries

For years I have had troubles with insomnia. The worst of it getting so bad to only be getting 1-2 hours sleep at night. 

Doctors never seem to give me any long term help. I get given 7-14 Zopiclone tablets, 1 to be take when needed. My last prescription was at the beginning of March for 7 tablets, supposed to last me 2 weeks as you’re not supposed to take one every night, they lasted me about 9 days. 

When I go through these huge insomniac spells, the only thing that ever works is those Zopiclone tablets and I become so desperate to sleep, I don’t follow those rules. They never usually last but 1 nights sleep followed by a sleepless night doesn’t sort me out. I need a good 7 days of decent sleep to rest my body and function properly. So that’s the reason I don’t follow the instructions.

So it’s been 2-3 weeks since I ran out of my 7 Zopiclone tablets. Then I had a couple of nights where I had decent sleep without them, then fell back into nights of tossing and turning, where no matter how or where you lie, you can’t get comfortable. I can’t even explain how frustrated I got, how each day the struggle to get out of bed became worse. 

For the last 5/6 nights, I’ve slept pretty well. Falling asleep is still tough but once I’m asleep, I’ve actually been in a deep sleep and slept for about 5/6 hours. My mood has slowly been getting better now that I’m sleeping better but there’s always a worry that ‘tonight I probably won’t sleep. This isn’t going to last for long’. 

I dread going to bed. I never know if I’m going to be falling asleep or if I’m going to lie for hours on end waiting for a decent time to say “it’s time to wake up”, an acceptable time to get up and dressed and start the day. 

I hope these last few nights last, I doubt they will but it’d be so nice. 

Moving On: Day 47

Howdy folks!

Today has been a better day emotions wise but also life has it’s downs.

This morning was greeted by a phone call from my friend, then whilst talking to her, I cramped up massively. I went to the toilet and have and behold, a period is amongst us! Due to stress from you know who (not Voldemort but probably one of his evil followers!), her bad mouthing me and constant crap towards me has caused me a lot of stress as well as other things. All of this has made my periods go crazy. I used to be regular coming on between 4-7th of the month, hardly any period pains or suffering. I was lucky and barely suffered anything whilst on. Now, I can miss periods or be late. Most of the time, they are still monthly, I very rarely skip a month (but there have been occasions) and period pains are painful. Don’t get me wrong, although having a great period usually, I have suffered pain occasionally but lately they have been horrid. Again, I know people get worse, my sister sometimes can’t walk and things, and when I have had pains they only last a day or 2. So really, I’m only moaning because it’s not something I’m used to. It’s not unbearable, just painful. I read today not to have caffeine, so I tried that and it helped until I went McDonald’s and ordered a coke! Since then, I hurt again.

Moving on from women’s troubles, I went to meet the chef of the place I interviewed for, it didn’t go well, I knew the girl, she used to bully me in highschool and well even if I got the job, I wouldn’t accept it. I wouldn’t want to work for her, her telling me what to do.

I then went to Wolverhampton to see my friend Pikachu. It was a nice day although, we did walk around a lot and my feet ache. P is into Wicca and witchcrafty things. She’s weird, but she’s my best friend and it’s her. I find it quite interesting to talk about actually, but the whole spells things and potions and stuff, without offending people, to me it’s all rubbish, I don’t believe in it. Well, we went into this shop and I got quite bored and the aromas were going up my nose and irritating me a little (in the sense I kept feeling the need to sneeze). Then the shop owner got the 3 of us (my friends, brothers girlfriend and us 2) to stand together and close our eyes. Quite honestly, I was like “what the fuck is she going to do to us” I get slightly anxious when people tell me to close my eyes. She then started spraying this stuff, which really stunk! It was supposed to be anti anxiety spray. She had asked which one of us gets anxiety, my friend and her friend said yes, I didn’t say anything but then the shop assistant pointed to me and said “it’s obvious you do. You seem quite a nervous and anxious person”. Well yeah I am, but I really didn’t want to do anything. Well, she sprayed this spray and my friends friend believed it and said she did feel calmer. Me? My nose was even more irritated, I was hungry and needed to use the toilet. I’m not saying the spray won’t cure/help with anxiety. It might do, there are natural things out there that have proven properties to help a person relax, and they may be used in the bottle. So, please no “if you don’t believe it won’t work” because I am open to it. But all I felt was “this stuff stinks and I want food” I didn’t feel relaxed at all.

Now I am home, tired from both my period (it also always makes me tired) and tired from the long day. But it was a fun day.

Today’s 3 positives:
1) I visited Pikachu
2) I had a McDonald’s
3) I window shopped in Ann Summers

Today’s score: 3/5

I can feel it brewing

Do you ever feel a breakdown brewing inside you? I think I do, right now actually.

Wednesday, I have a job interview. Also Wednesday would be Coral’s 22nd birthday. I’m confused in whether or not I believe in stuff like good or bad signs. I told my sister just and she said “you either get the job or you don’t. It’s not based on someones birthday.” and now I am feeling a little confused at my thoughts RE it being the same day.

Then, being home and away from Norfolk, I’ve had time to think. I thought about memories with Coral a lot and came up with a conclusion; You don’t move on from losing someone, just learn to live with the memories. I then had to add ‘happy memories’ because just ‘memories’ means the good andthe bad.

Then, I thought of C. Why did I even fucking lie to her? When you think of friendships, more than likely, you are friends because you have something in common. This was why I lied. I thought if I had something in common, shewould befriend me. It worked. And I remember her kindness and affection and I didn’t want to lose that. There were times I tried to stop telling lies, but I got scared of losing her. Lying was easier than losing her. She made me feel like it was just me and her, that I didn’t even need anyone else.
And now, all I see is a person who has turned into a monster to destroy me. I don’t see that kindness anymore. I know it’s because of what I did, but the person I knew back then was sympathetic. She wouldn’t have dragged this on so long. I don’t know what to expect.

I hate this. I feel my chest tightening and the tears threatening to pour out. I want my life back. I say things, on here when I’m wound up. I’ve been told there’s nothing wrong with it, I’m not lying about anything and it’s all “freedom of speech”. A lot of the time, I regret it when I calm down, and delete the posts but I also know that anything I say, C threatens to go to the police. That scares me. I get scared if I see or hear a police car, even if I’m miles away from home it scares me. I just want my life back. I’m broken.

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Therapy

Yesterday (Fri 11th July), I returned to therapy. 

When I had my assessment back in April, I got told I would be referred to the guy I saw last year, Rob but when I received my letter, The name on the letter was different and I was so nervous.

I got to the place 20 minutes early, booked myself in with the receptionist and sat in the waiting room, nervous and listening to the radio; which, may I had had to be the worst radio show to have on in a mental health place. I have been in there before and they played a song with the lyrics “Suicide is painless”, then yesterday, they were talking about over-weight people, and speaking to people on the phone. One guy was telling his story of an emotional breakdown and suicide attempt – must say it was very triggering listening to how he felt hopeless and all my self-negativity flooded into my brain and I felt the same. Then, the radio presenter questioned the listeners “Do you need weight loss surgery?”. I have also had issues with eating and my weight, and when this was asked, the voices in my head started yelling “YES YOU DO! YOU FAT BITCH!!”. 

So yes, the waiting room experience didn’t exactly calm me down or prepare me for my appointment with my new therapist, who I shall call A. Also, the Trichotilliomania kicked in and I must have pulled about a dozen strands of hair or more in that 20 minutes.

A came downstairs, went into the reception (that area is behind a window and locked door). He saw me, asked if I was Jade then said he would be a couple of minutes. I felt sick. This was it. I could either run out there now or stay and do this and get the help I so desperately need. I stayed.

A came back and led us upstairs to a room. He gave me a questionnaire, then told me he had run late with his last client, had to get my file and would be 5 mins. It wasn’t exactly a great start and I didn’t really have the best first impression with him.

But then we started chatting and he was really nice. I told him as much as I could, but then said something that probably offended him. I told him that I was actually expecting to see Rob and that I hadn’t been looking forward to the appointment. I told him about what happened with Steph, Rob and me last time, and A has asked me to take my recovery plan on my next session so he can see what Rob and I did, and if we can work with it. 

Overall, the session was quite good and it went quite fast – which I am assuming is a good thing; it means there was no awkward long silences. 

After the hour, we went back down to the reception to book our next appointment. In the reception, Steph was there and I kind of felt awkward, like I had betrayed her by seeing someone else – even though who I see is out of my control. We said “Hi” then she went back upstairs.Then Rob came down and that felt just as bad, but he opened the window and chatted quite a bit and asked how I am ect. I then told him that we would be looking at the plan that he gave me in our next session and he joked and told me not to give A all my work because he will copy it. 

A doesn’t have any appointments for 4 weeks and so I don’t see him again until August, which kinda sucks, but then after that it should be every fortnight. However, if I am still feeling this suicidal still. I might as for weekly sessions. The only downside is that you only get a maximum of 12 session, but A is aiming to “be done and on the right track” by 8! That’s quite scary 😦 there’s no way in hell my brain is gonna be sorted after 8 sessions!

Anxiety

It’s still so crazy that no matter how much I move on in life from C ECT, I still get anxiety.

Today is a Saturday and I have to go town and pick up a few things.
If I had to go in the week, I would go without thinking, but this is a Saturday and I know that town is going to be busy and that’s the first thing making me anxious.

The second is that in C’s attempt to destroy me, she decided to talk to people from the place I used to do cheerleading for, tell lies about me (or rather exaggerate the truth to make it sound worse), resulting in all of them hating me. They train on Saturdays and I’m scared of bumping into any of them in town too.

I’ve not had to go town on a Saturday in a long time. I did it last week, but I was with my friend Pikachu as she came home for the weekend. And even then it was just walking through town to get to the bus stop to go home. And even with P and her mum, I still had a little anxiety, just not as much because I was with people.

And since becoming anxious in public, I’ve got better, I can go town alone on weekdays where there aren’t many people. But today is a Saturday, it’s gonna be busy and I’ve gotta go alone. I’m terrified. And by writing this blog, I’ve kinda procrastinated but now there’s nothing else to write and I’m gonna have to go.

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Jonny Depp

I am a massive fan of Jonny Depp; I mean who isn’t right? I don’t care that he is 50 something and I’m 22, if he wanted me in his bed, I wouldn’t say no 😉

However, I recently found out Depp suffers from Social Anxiety. He gets anxious giving interviews and even has a therapist with him on movie sets.

This really shocked me. You just wouldn’t imagine that someone as huge as Jonny Depp would suffer in this way. It just goes to show that anyone can suffer with any kind of mental health.

I have slight anxiety when I’m out and about. I was in town yesterday, very wary of everyone. I have days where I can go through town and I’m not too fussed, but usually that is only if I’m with someone. A lot of the time where I’m alone, I get massive heart palpitations and can find myself having to sit down because i get a little dizzy. I though myself to be ridiculous, but knowing that even Jonny Depp gets anxious in front of people, makes me feel a little normal.
Also, it just means me and Jonny have something in common. So Depp, if you’re reading this, you and I are compatible 😛

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

A little release

Image

This is a Neocube.

I was advised to get one as a deterrent from pulling my hair. I was told that I had Trichotillomania, which is a mental health ‘thing’ which the sufferer, me pulls out random strands of hair. I usually grab a clump of hair, and narrow it down to 1 strand, the pull out that strand. I also pluck eyebrow hairs and hairs on my arm. I do this daily, and more so if I am feeling anxious or stressed. 

A Neocube is a load of little magnetic balls that you can just mess with and keep your hands busy. It took about 2-3 weeks for this to arrive and I got it this morning. I was so happy. I literally can’t stop messing with it, and so far today, I’ve not pulled out a single strand of hair! It’s a basic thing but so good. It’s actually quite hard to get it into the cube shape, so that’s what is keeping me busy at the moment. And, as well as preventing the hair-pulling, I am sure it would work for other things such as self harm, or smoking ect. Also, if you were to mess is up, then try and create the cube if you were feeling anxious and panicky, it could probably help.

 

I thoroughly recommend it to anyone. 5*