Moving On: Day 132

Again, another missed day at work. I wake up and try and convince myself that I’m not going in because I am sick. I mean I am sick, I have a cold and also I’ve hurt my knee and standing all day would kill it but last night I told myself I would go to work and see how I’m feeling and if I feel really bad or if I can’t bear standing on my knee anymore that I would go home. At least then I could say I made an attempt at working.

But nope, another 4:45am alarm and another “I don’t want to get out of bed. I can’t do this anymore” feeling. So I went back to sleep for a while.
Then 7am came and my knee was hurting and I had to admit to myself that I’m not coping with life. For weeks, I haven’t been coping and I’ve been fighting with myself not to harm myself but I can’t physically or mentally cope anymore and I need to see my doctor. So I waited until 8am which is the time they tell you to call.

8am came and I rung up to book an appointment;

“Hello, can I book an appointment with Dr S today please?”

“Sorry Dr S isn’t available today. You could see another doctor”

I thought about it but I’ve seen other doctors before and they just try and drug me up on antidepressants which make me I’ll. Dr S knows this and will try anything to help me before saying, “I think you need medication”. So I declined.
“Sorry, I would prefer Dr S. Is she available tomorrow please?”

“Yes, she is only available in the morning.”

“Okay, can I book in for tomorrow morning, any time is good for me”

“You have to call up at 8am tomorrow if you want an appointment tomorrow”

WHAT is this friggin system! I’m at a crisis point at the moment and I want to see the one doctor that doesn’t try and fob me off! Now I am really anxious that I’m going to ring up tomorrow again and there won’t be any appointments. It drives me insane because I know if I went to the surgery in person to book, it would be fine. But the surgery is 2 bus journeys away and It’s an inconvenience tbh!

I turned around and went back to sleep until 11:45am again!

I then went downstairs and watched a bit of TV. Then afternoon came and I was feeling lousy because of this cold so I had a hot bath which I was falling asleep in, then I chatted to my friend on the phone and another friend on Skype. I then went downstairs, got some food and came back upstairs and watched a film on Netflix – The Switch. It’s quite a good film. I don’t think it’s as good as people make out but it’s a nice film to watch.

Now, I’m gonna just die if I don’t sleep so….. Good night x

Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I decided I actually need help and tried to get into the doctors
2) I spoke to my friend
3) I watched a film

Today’s Score: 2/5

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