A bit of everything

Last night, I wrote to say I wanted to rant, but shortly after that I started tweeting someone – someone who doesn’t like me and my rant came out in a million and one tweets saying exactly how I felt. Then, she answered and it wasn’t a nasty reply but it wasn’t a nice one to me. It was very simple and I have no idea why it affected me but for some reason it really did.
I began to really cry. I felt every type of emotion going I think. I felt upset about everything, I felt angry that I had messed my life up, I felt sorry that I had hurt C and was making her I’ll. I can’t even explain, everything that has happened ever since C stopped talking to me and then going to the police just rose up inside me and exploded. I’ve had times where they have appeared to me, where I have ended up self harming or wanting to kill myself but when I think back to those times, it was because in my words “what C was doing to me”… Not because of anything I was doing myself. I was angry at C.
For some reason, whatever G said last night, broke down a lot of walls and opened everything up from C’s POV. And I broke down. For 3 hours straight, I was crying. I just couldn’t stop and this “tough girl” act crumbled. I’ve said sorry before and I did mean it but now I say sorry, and I still mean it, but I now understand why I am actually sorry.

But now, I just want to explain things. I didn’t message C just to be horrible, there are reasons and I don’t want sympathy, I just think it will help people understand a little. I hope it does anyway.

A summery of my life story:

I don’t really remember stuff from before my brother was born. I remember bits like a couple of holidays abroad to Ibiza or Bulgaria with our mum and and dad. In Bulgaria we went to a bar, there was a bad playing and there were a lot of wires on the floor, me and T (sister) would pick up this wire thing and pretend to sing in them.
Other memories, we had this giant rabbit teddy thing (my brothers bedroom used to be our play room) and I can’t remember if we were told to tidy up or we just decided to tidy up but I remember our idea of tidying our playroom was to pile everything on top of this rabbit.
I also remember we used to go to a chip shop and by the chippy there was a park and our mum and dad would go to the chippy and we would go into the park. It was at that park that I learned how to swing on a swing.
So I remember little bits but not much.
Then, age 7 my brother was born and things didn’t seem happy anymore. Again, I don’t really remember much about the first 2 years after he was born. I remember a photo being taken where me and my sister (we were tiny), had a plastic see saw and we both fit into the middle seat, then we tried to sit my brother in with us for the photo and it became a little tight.
But, as I remember, when my brother was able to walk, we would be told to take him out a let him play with us. It became so irritating because we wanted to go off with our friends and play but we had to drag a 2-year old with us. T always managed to go off with her best friend, N a lot and I always had O (brother). I remember being about 9/10 years old, Tania and N had gone to the park and I was being followed by O. At this age, I had learned “piss off”. I knew it was swerving and never said it in front on my parents but I said it a lot. I remember yelling it at my brother, not knowing my mum was in her bedroom window watching us and I got in so much trouble.
Then, in either year 5 or 6 at school (so about aged 10/11) I had a boyfriend. It only lasted like 2 weeks but when it”ended” he hated me and him and a few other boys in our class started to bully me (T and N were the popular girls and they occasionally joined in too). Years 5 and 6 were in a mobile classroom and in between the 2 classes was a office/store cupboard sort of room with 2 computers and a sink. One day, I had got completely fed up of this one boy and I got up, punched him and ran into this room crying. The teacher came in and I didn’t want her to see me crying to I turned on the tap and splashed my face (thinking it would hide the tears). I then told the teacher to go away and splashed her with the water. Luckily, I didn’t get into trouble. I just remember I felt so angry and alone.
Then came highschool. My mum didn’t want me and at to go to the same high school that she went to so we went to a different one than the rest of our class. This is where I’m glad to be a twin because at least I didn’t have to go to a new school without knowing anybody. T is way much more confident and she soon made friends and I would tag along. Then I actually became friends with these 3 girls but they would always fall out and I would stick with the one who the other 2 fell out with. I was never part of the “popular” people at school, I’m still not even sure that people knew I existed. But then again, we were the twins in our year and most seemed quite amazed. I had a group of friends, quite big actually and it was amazing at school. Then in year 8 I sat next to a girl, E in German. She asked if I got the number 9 bus and asked to get on it with us after school. We the became friends and best friends. She was also friends with a girl called K and although me and K got on, we were never close. But K self harmed and was open about it.
Also at this time, it seemed my dad just always had a go at me. It was starting to get me down. One morning before school, he had a go at me about something and I had had enough. I was on the bus next to my sister and I remember saying “if cutting helps K maybe it will make me feel better too” (I was 13/14 yr old) and my first experience of self harm was that day. I got a compass out my bag (the thing that you draw circles with) and started scratching into my arm. It felt good but I had no idea how K made hers bleed and I wanted to bleed. Days later, E found out and admitted she SH. She told me if I wanted to bleed I needed a blade and the next day, she gave me a blade out of a pencil sharpener. We both never wanted each other to cut but we both understood how each other felt and how it helped.
I kept my blade in my pencil case, and during a music lesson a friend (from the 3 that always fell out) spotted it and told my music teacher. He sent me to the office to the pastoral care teacher and she called down the school nurse. The school nurse then said she wouldn’t ring my parents if I promised to see the school drop in nurse/counsellor when she was next in. E, being an amazing friend came with me and I remember the nurse asking E if she cut too (it was summer and we were both wearing jumpers). Emily said she did and we both saw this nurse each week. One day, E’s mum saw her cuts and so knew about E’s SH. Mine never had a clue.
One other day, E was off school but wrote me a long letter saying how she wanted to die. I got upset, showed A this letter who told the pastoral care teacher and I had no choice but to show them this letter. They called in the counsellor who then rung E’s mum and E was put in hospital for a few days and given real counselling.
One time with the school drop in nurse, we discussed me going to counselling. I said I really didn’t want my mum or dad to find out I harmed and so we decided to tell them that I just seemed really angry and maybe needed counselling. I planned on going and being open but for the first session, my mum had to be there and so I didn’t say anything and the counsellor decided I would be fine and didn’t need sessions. If I had had the chance to be honest back then, I don’t think things would have spiralled out of control in recent years.

In year 10, we had a new girl in class, R who had this bad girl reputation and had rumours that she “smashed a girls face into a drain pipe” (don’t know why that story sticks in my head, it just does”. Anyway, nobody would ever stand up to her but one day, I was feeling quite low and she kept bugging me telling me to cheer up and not be so grumpy and constantly asking what was up with me (not in a caring way. She was taking the piss) and I got so mad I simply told her to “fuck off and leave me alone”… From that moment, she bullied me. Everytime she walked past me in class, she would slap me across the head, she would barge past me on purpose. She just made school hell again for me. I told the school nurse and she told the pastoral care teacher and R was made to be nice to me. She hated that, she would speak to me occasionally but she never really got over me standing up to her. One day, we had PE and there were a lot of us who had forgotten our PE kit including T and R (they became friends and would always talk about me) everyone who had forgotten their PE kit were told to go into a classroom but I didn’t get this message as I went to the toilet. So after the toilet, I went into the sports hall and sat down wondering where all the “forgot my PE kit” people were. The other PE teacher came over and told me they were all in a classroom so off I went, slightly nervous because everyone would already be there and I hated walking into a full classroom. I opened the door, saw R (who was sat by T) also forgot to mention me and T had had a massive fallout which is why she and R would always talk about me… Well I walked in and saw R and saw the only seat left was in front of her. The PE teacher in that classroom told me to go back to the sports hall. I thought I was in trouble for being late.
About half hour later, she came to me, took me into the changing rooms and in there was the pastoral care teacher. PE teacher said “I’ve noticed over the last few days, in the corridors that T seems to be picking on you. She may be your sister but it’s still bullying. I’ve brought Miss M here if you want to talk about it. When you walked in that classroom you looked terrified of her”.
I admitted it wasn’t T, it was seeing R and that was that.
So, throughout my school life, I’ve had people not like me for no reason whatsoever and for as long as I can remember I’be always tried to make people like me. I’ve always tried to fit in and make friends but I don’t know how.
After school, me and E drifted apart. I joined cheerleading and soon became assistant coach. The headcoach and I became friends but I really missed E and I felt like I had this massive gap inside me and felt low but had no reason why I felt so low and the head coach E.C, well I didn’t get the impression that I could talk to her. I just felt that if I opened up and told her I felt depressed but didn’t know why that she would think I was being pathetic and just laugh at me.
So I did have friends but I just didn’t have anybody to talk to.
I read C’s book and what struck me was her feeling alone and I wanted to write to her and tell her exactly that and that it was making me feel depressed. But again the little voice in my head said “there’s no reason for you to feel like this plus she’s been through worse, she’s going to think you’re stupid if you tell her you’re depressed for no reason” also, I had this belief that you make friends by having something in common and/or if you have something wrong with you, people are always kind to you. If you want a friend you need people to be kind to you. So that’s when the lies started. And they just kept getting worse and worse and I never knew how to stop it. In a way, I am glad C stopped it. I don’t know how long or how bad my lies would have become. I did t want to lie, I wanted to stop but I couldn’t tell her I had been lying the whole time. And so they just kept going.

Sorry, a long life story but I hope it explains a little about why I am the way I am. I still have this belief that people don’t like me, that people are just nice for being the sake of being nice. I just constantly think that once I am out of earshot, they bitch about me. I have so many insecurities that I just believe that everyone thinks that about me anyway.
I still try to fit in. At cheerleading (a different group now), I have to have a wrist support and if someone says their wrist is hurting I give mine up and suffer and just say “I’m okay. I only wear it to prevent injury” but quite honestly I spend the whole session in pain. I do this just so they like me.

This isn’t going to help anything. I’ve already caused so much damage. I just want to let you know why I did it all to begin with and to thank G because something last night broke me and it’s helped me a lot and I feel more peaceful and a lot less angry. I’m going to take your advice and there won’t be anything else on here other than my daily posts about each day.

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