Right so, I’ve decided that I can’t write this every night. It’s getting a bit samey but I also don’t think that I have fully been able to move on yet. I keep trying and trying then my thoughts that I try and keep locked up seem to appear and I have a massive moan on here or on Twitter. Some times it’s just my thoughts can’t keep locked up and hidden, other times something sets it off – like last night, I read old messages and the memories came flooding back.
So, I am going to give myself another 100 days of “Moving On” and this time, I am going to try harder. I am not going to hide thoughts anymore. That obviously doesn’t help.
I’ve obviously moved on a little because I’m able to go dad by day without checking on what C puts but I haven’t gone that far to where I can sit and watch TV or look on Facebook and read or see something that reminds me of her.
Today, I was FB messaging a friend and his sentence was “ok little one” as a joke because I’m small. He was just simply pretending to agree with something but C used to call me “little one” and BAM! There I was having a flashback of me sat on the bed crying down the phone to her and her calling it me. And there’s that dancing pony advert that reminds me of her ponies or if I see a shihtzu dog, I remember her dogs and I miss her and her little stories about them.
That is what I want to go away. I want to move on to be able to see those things on not think about her and not get upset about losing her.
I still forgive her, I get angry and upset but I still forgive her. I understand a lot of the reasons she wants to hurt me – if I was her I would want to hurt me but my understanding of why has enabled me to forgive her.
So, bring on Day 200 and hopefully my post then will be full of positivity and C won’t be there, in my head all the time.
Today was (supposedly) the first day of my new job. I was nervous and didn’t sleep well last night, plus I am full of cold and have a cough and so am feeling really unwell.
5am – alarm goes off
5:15 – I get up
5:50 – dad drives me to town
6:20- bus finally arrives (was meant to arrive at 6.13)
7.20 – arrive at work (Don’t start till 8am but bus times means I have to get there early)
Whilst at work, me and 2 others went in, a guy asked if it’s our introduction day, we assume our answer is yes and we get told to wait in the canteen. Someone tells us to go upstairs, people upstairs tell up to go back down. After hanging around, another girl who was starting with us turns up, so there are 4 of us with no idea where to go and we got told to go back upstairs, ask for “Alan” and he will give us a badge. Alan wasn’t part of the team we were working for and we got told to go back downstairs.
Back in the canteen, at around 8:05am, the right person came to us, did a little talk about health and safety, had us sign a form and said “you start on Friday, the shifts are 4 on, 4 off. We are all majorly pissed off that we had to get up early just to sign a friggin form. Anyway, the girl who came in last drives (except she lives in a village away from our town so can’t give us a lift into work) but said that since we weren’t working she was going to go into town and gave us a lift back into town to save us waiting in the cold for a bus. I got home at around 9.15am.
I then watched a little tv but either/ or a combination of both waking up early or being sick, I felt drained and so went back to bed and slept for a couple of hours.
At around 2pm, I went back downstairs and watched TV.
And dinner time, I felt hungry and cold and wanted something that would help my cold. I really wanted my Nan’s stew (she makes the best!). So, on a whim, I rung and asked if she had done any today. She hadn’t but being her eldest grand daughter and pushing the fact I am sick, she said she would do a stew tomorrow for me. She always calls me “Nanny’s little angel” and I kind of am… Get away with anything with my nan.
So today, I just had a jacket potato.
I then watched TV and chilled out feeling sorry for myself.
I was about to come to bed, again feeling drained, at 9pm but then Gotham came on TV and for once, everyone else was in bed so I had the chance to watch it on time instead of having to watch it on demand.
I’m now in bed, really damn cold!! And hopefully I will sleep better tonight. Although, the rate I’m sneezing at the moment I might not sleep. I did get told a sneeze is 1/8 of an orgasm. I’ve sneezed so many times I’ve lost count but it’s been more than 8 times and I’m quite disappointed that I haven’t had an orgasm. I mean if you’re gonna be sick, the least your body can do is give you something to enjoy huh??? LOL
Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I actually managed to wake up
2) I watched Gotham
3) I spoke to R.. (Someone I kinda like)
Today’s Score: 3/5
Sorry for the long post and especially the rant thing at the beginning.