Can it really be day 90?!! It seems so.
Have I it am I moving on? I am, slowly. It’s hard but it’s getting easier.
Before, I used to check C’s blog every single day just to see if there was anything new. Then, I started these “Moving On” posts and told myself not to check. That seemed to fail, I still checked and I still got angry and posted responses on here then one day I had therapy. My therapist doesn’t really help me that much, I really need to pluck up the courage and ask to see someone else but I can’t do it. Anyway, this one time he said something that stuck in my head, “when you come here and tell me what she says, it’s like déjà vu. Does she always, pretty much write the same things?” My answer was simply “Yes. It’s always the same.” So then he asked why, if it’s always the same to I always read it. And from that point on, I haven’t read her blog posts. I don’t see the need. My mum will still come to me and say “have you seen what’s she’s written” and my reply is always “No. I don’t bother anymore. I’m not bothered it’s always the same”.. I wish my mum would get the hint and stop too.
The other day, I asked her to drop some books of at the library for me. She decided to ask the woman if they have C’s new book then said “Nevermind I wouldn’t read that shit anyway”… Seriously, my mum has become so obsessed with this that it is making it hard for me to move on. I’m getting there. I don’t have the urges to check things now, and when by mum starts to try and tell me what’s being said, I stop her and tell her that I’m not bothered. Everyday I go without reading her stuff gets easier and although I am still having anxiety and depression and struggle, I’ve found that it’s not down to her. I don’t worry about what she says. I don’t spend half my time writing out replies that I can never send her. It’s a massive relief.
My anxiety and depression is formed by myself. The things I did and how they’ve affected me, rather than because somebody has wrote about me.
I’m halfway to moving on completely, I just need my mum to move on too and leave it.
So today, I woke up at around 10 after a really good nights sleep and finally downloaded Tara Sue Me’s new book, The Chalet. Tara Sue Me writes stories similar to 50 Shades. I couldn’t get into 50 shades but for some reason, Tara’s first trilogy had me hooked. Then she started another series called Partners in Play. I read the first book out of them and it’s been a while since she has released another book. This week, she returned to the first trilogy (The Submissive Trilogy) and The Chalet is about this couple’s Honeymoon. OMG. I downloaded it this morning and am already over halfway through reading it!
If you’re into BDSM books, I would recommend Tara Sue Me!
At lunch time I went downstairs and had lunch, read more and then at around 4.45pm I got hungry again and ate more stew – finishing off what my nan had given me 2 days ago! Food has been an issue in the last few days with me feeling sick when I eat. Today I have managed to eat a little more than what I have been doing but paid the price of feeling sick since.
Feeling sick, I came upstairs and rested on my bed reading more of The Chalet. I then looked for jobs but didn’t manage to find any new ones to apply for.
That’s about it for today I’m afraid.
Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I downloaded a new book
2) I’ve read the new book
3) I spoke to a friend
Today’s Score: 3/5