I didn’t sleep well last night and I really thought I would! I was so tired, I was falling asleep downstairs so went to bed but once I was in bed I couldn’t sleep! So today, I am tired.
I think I have post holiday blues right now. I feel so low – could be the tiredness but I think it’s more than that. I really miss being on holiday. When I was away things just seemed so peaceful. I didn’t have a care in the world. Even when I was sat doing nothing, I didn’t feel low, just peaceful.
The moment I got home I have felt as if I constantly want to cry. I feel so sad. On holiday, the seagulls annoyed me (at 6am) and if one came near me, I felt a little scared (Birds scare me. I fear they will peck at me) but now I’m at home, I really miss their weird little noises. Now I am home, I miss the seaside smell. I miss that if I take a walk, I can’t choose whether to go the main road way or down the sea front (always the sea front, not really a choice). I miss it all.
Apparently this “holiday blues” thing only lasts a few days and I’m hoping it goes soon because I actually feel awful.
Today I have been thinking about things. Imagining if things were different (not regarding my “mistake”. Mistake seems such a little, insignificant word for what I did but I don’t know what else to call it) I was just thinking about other things. Past boyfriends and friends, things I could have done when I was younger for example in primary school, I was on the netball team and I wanted to carry on in highschool. I remember the first day there was a notice about joining sports clubs and I went to netball. First club, I went in and the PE teacher laughed at how small I was. I never went back. Turns out, those girls who ended up in the Netball team became popular in school. Maybe if I ignored that teacher laughing and went back, I would have made different friends, maybe things would have been different.
There are other things I have found myself imagining. One really sad but if I was to write every single “what ifs” I have thought about today, I would be writing for a long time.
So today has mainly been thinking and playing games on my phone and being really tired. I then came downstairs this evening to watch X Factor. I watched until 9pm but my brother had already planned to watch a film on another channel. I really need my own TV to work!
So today has been quite a low day. I just feel like poop. 😞
Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I spoke with B and had a little whinge
2) I played games
3) I ate chocolate
Today’s Score: 1/5