Today has been slightly better that yesterday, but I am still in that ‘dark place’ which I found myself wander into after reading HER blog. Last night, I ended up cutting, and whereas I usually regret doing it the next day, today the only thing I am regretting is not cutting deeper or having more cuts. I feel my cuts are pathetic and I am just fighting to not get out the blade. Therapy on Friday, that should sort me out.
I still haven’t heard from the apprenticeship job. The college was going to get in touch with the firm I was to work at, and I rung last week to check the progress of that; she told me she had left a message with “the woman” but she was on holiday and so she needs to wait for her to get back to her. That was a week ago, and still nothing. That’s starting to get me down, I just want to move out of this town, away from all the drama and start a new life somewhere else. I was pretty certain I would have heard by now, and pretty certain that I had the job, and now there’s no news, I’m starting to lose hope and faith in my plans.
Today, I have tried to keep busy. I woke quite late, to the sound of my brother hoovering up downstairs (at about 10am), so I got dressed and went down to check he was ok. He was fine, chilling watching TV. I tried to, again, start a diet so actually made myself eat breakfast. I had a banana, and chilled watching TV with my brother for a bit. I then did him some lunch, pasta bolognaise. After giving him his food, I got myself a black bag and headed to my bedroom.
Mine and my sister’s bedroom is, basically, a shit hole! I am constantly tidying it up for my sister to come in and leave everything everywhere. For the last 2 months, I decided not to touch it, to see if she would get the hint and tidy up herself. She hasn’t even laid a finger on it. So, I can’t handle the mess anymore and have started to clean it. Quite honestly, I couldn’t be bothered. I made 2 trips downstairs with a paper bin, full of water bottles and energy drink cans, and I’ve even spotted some more! I have half a black bag of rubbish, and started on picking up the clothes off the floor. I folded up about a dozen, looked around, and it looked as if the room hasn’t even been touched still. I just couldn’t be bothered. So, I have decided that it will be my little project this week, and do a little each day. I did however, remove and wash my bedding, and put it back on my bed!! I can’t make beds, I’m just awful at it. I mean I can put pillow cases on pillows and the bed sheet on the mattress, but I can’t put a duvet cover on the duvet and just usually hand it to my mum or sister to do. Today, I thought I would give it a try. I turned it inside out, got inside it and got the corners, I then tried to flick it over the duvet. It just wouldn’t work!!! I very almost tried to make my way to the top of the stairs (still stuck inside the cover) to call my mum. BUT I saw light! I saw the opening of the cover, managed to get my head out and sort it out. I’m quite proud to say I made my own bed. Even if it did take me about 20 minutes!
I then went back downstairs to my brother, the ice cream man came around and he bought me an icecream! He’s in such a good, helpful mood today. I then cooked him his dinner. I say cook, my dad had got him a precooked curry and all I had to do was bung it in the microwave to reheat, cook the rice and naan bread, so really, it took me all of 15 minutes. I then aimed to do myself a ham salad baked potato. Lazy again, I microwaved the potato, and went to chop up the salad. I got the the fridge and there was only cucumber and tomato, and I don’t like tomatoes!! So, I went to the cupboard to see if there were any onions, there wasn’t any 😦 My ham salad turned out as ham and cucumber with a baked potato. My friend says I don’t eat enough so I sent her the picture and she just laughed but thought that I was serious! It filled me up, but now, 2 hours later, I am starving and craving a KFC or McDonald’s!
Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I made my bed
2) I cleared the bottles and cans off of my dressing table
3) I had a phone call with my friend
Today’s Score: 2/5