Moving On: Day 24

Today has been slightly better that yesterday, but I am still in that ‘dark place’ which I found myself wander into after reading HER blog. Last night, I ended up cutting, and whereas I usually regret doing it the next day, today the only thing I am regretting is not cutting deeper or having more cuts. I feel my cuts are pathetic and I am just fighting to not get out the blade. Therapy on Friday, that should sort me out.

I still haven’t heard from the apprenticeship job. The college was going to get in touch with the firm I was to work at, and I rung last week to check the progress of that; she told me she had left a message with “the woman” but she was on holiday and so she needs to wait for her to get back to her. That was a week ago, and still nothing.  That’s starting to get me down, I just want to move out of this town, away from all the drama and start a new life somewhere else. I was pretty certain I would have heard by now, and pretty certain that I had the job, and now there’s no news, I’m starting to lose hope and faith in my plans.

Today, I have tried to keep busy. I woke quite late, to the sound of my brother hoovering up downstairs (at about 10am), so I got dressed and went down to check he was ok. He was fine, chilling watching TV. I tried to, again, start a diet so actually made myself eat breakfast. I had a banana, and chilled watching TV with my brother for a bit. I then did him some lunch, pasta bolognaise. After giving him his food, I got myself a black bag and headed to my bedroom.

Mine and my sister’s bedroom is, basically, a shit hole! I am constantly tidying it up for my sister to come in and leave everything everywhere. For the last 2 months, I decided not to touch it, to see if she would get the hint and tidy up herself. She hasn’t even laid a finger on it. So, I can’t handle the mess anymore and have started to clean it. Quite honestly, I couldn’t be bothered. I made 2 trips downstairs with a paper bin, full of water bottles and energy drink cans, and I’ve even spotted some more! I have half a black bag of rubbish, and started on picking up the clothes off the floor. I folded up about a dozen, looked around, and it looked as if the room hasn’t even been touched still. I just couldn’t be bothered. So, I have decided that it will be my little project this week, and do a little each day. I did however, remove and wash my bedding, and put it back on my bed!! I can’t make beds, I’m just awful at it. I mean I can put pillow cases on pillows and the bed sheet on the mattress, but I can’t put a duvet cover on the duvet and just usually hand it to my mum or sister to do. Today, I thought I would give it a try. I turned it inside out, got inside it and got the corners, I then tried to flick it over the duvet. It just wouldn’t work!!! I very almost tried to make my way to the top of the stairs (still stuck inside the cover) to call my mum. BUT I saw light! I saw the opening of the cover, managed to get my head out and sort it out. I’m quite proud to say I made my own bed. Even if it did take me about 20 minutes!

I then went back downstairs to my brother, the ice cream man came around and he bought me an icecream! He’s in such a good, helpful mood today. I then cooked him his dinner. I say cook, my dad had got him a precooked curry and all I had to do was bung it in the microwave to reheat, cook the rice and naan bread, so really, it took me all of 15 minutes. I then aimed to do myself a ham salad baked potato. Lazy again, I microwaved the potato, and went to chop up the salad. I got the the fridge and there was only cucumber and tomato, and I don’t like tomatoes!! So, I went to the cupboard to see if there were any onions, there wasn’t any 😦 My ham salad turned out as ham and cucumber with a baked potato. My friend says I don’t eat enough so I sent her the picture and she just laughed but thought that I was serious! It filled me up, but now, 2 hours later, I am starving and craving a KFC or McDonald’s!

Today’s 3 Positives:

1) I made my bed

2) I cleared the bottles and cans off of my dressing table

3) I had a phone call with my friend

Today’s Score: 2/5


6 thoughts on “Moving On: Day 24

  1. I read the last few posts on your blog, and I felt really sympathetic towards you. I myself suffer depression and self harm, so I felt emotionally connected to you. I just felt like I wanted to grab you from the screen, hug you and tell you everything will be ok. Then, I carried on reading ans read one of your posts where you have written about what you have done. You lied about being abused! How sick is that!? People like you are the reason people don’t get believed, why people like the celebrities in the news have their lives turned upside down, because of people like you lying!
    You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You deserve everything that is happening to you right now! I wish I could find C and pat her on the back!
    I would say you need help but I don’t think you do. I don’t even know if I believe you are depressed. It sounds to me as if you are just milking all the attention that this blog is giving you!

    • Of course I’m not depressed, the scars on my arms are something else! I’m fed up of you and everyone elses comments. Do you not think that maybe they are affecting me? like C is fucking perfect! But nobody believes theres anything wrong with her because she plays the victim card so fucking well!
      You are now also on the list that is already with the police of people who are harrassing me!

      • We wouldn’t make comments if you stopped lying and trying to get sympathy and attention by using probleme suffered through. Do you not thing that if you stopped all that, and stopped talking about C then she would stop writing about you too? She is only trying to save her good name and not let you ruin her, think about it.

        I’m begging you, do not go to the police, I am having to deal with my own life problems at the moment, and I don’t want the stress of the police involssed you, I have simply commented on a blog!

      • I don’t owe you anything. I’m going back to the police because this is driving me crazy! I want to kill myself because of all this shit.
        I’ve tried not writing about her, but she still continues to write about me. She will never stop.

        Why would I continue to lie about things when I’ve already beein in trouble for lying. I don’t want that life anymore. I don’t want to feel like I want to kill myself. I don’t want any of this.

        I will stop writing about her, but she must stop doing the same. I am not sure how much more I can take

      • Do you not understand, the only reason you are feeling bad is because your actions are having consequences. You lied, got reported to the police as a consequence. C is writing about you to prevent you from doing the same and to prevent people from falling for the same evil tricks you played, another consequence. IF YOU HAD JUST STOPPED and accepted your punishment, there would be no blog about you, she wouldn’t be going to the police about you, you wouldn’t be having comments on the blog and you wouldn’t be feeling like killing yourself, if you are indeed feeling that way.

        You deserve punishment, she does not. BUT I am sure if you just stopped writing about her and giving her a bad name, she wouldn’t be writing about you either.

        Just give it a chance and stop making out like you are the victim here. If you are a victim, it’s because you’ve made yourself one.

        Carry on with your ‘Moving On’ blogs, but you don’t have to include C in them. You’re making her ill, and IF you are telling the truth about how you are feeling, you are making yourself ill too.

        That’s all I am going to say now. I won’t comment anymore for 2 reasons. One, if this comment makes any sense, and you are really sorry, you will stop and not fight anymore and two, if it hasn’t worked, you are just after attention and nothing will prevent you from carrying on until it’s too late.

      • I understand they have consequences but i’ve been punished already. C doesn’t need to keep going on about it all the time.
        How about you shut the fuck up and get back to me when you’re not being brainwashed!

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