Today has been utter shit!
I saw photos of my old best friend’s wedding. That really upset me, but at first, I thought “fuck it, she wasn’t there for me when I needed a friend”. It still hurt but I tried to soften the blow.
I then saw a blog my C saying “enough is enough”. The tone of the blog was horrid. I’ve not posted one thing about her in weeks, yet when I do, because she mentioned me, well…. Her blog was just out of order.
It broke me, completely. I started crying, then I thought “I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to kill myself”. I just felt completely defeated. I still do. All I am trying to do is move on, but it seems I’m not allowed.
My upset turned to anger and I wanted to fight this, but then the anger disappeared and again, I just want to be dead. I don’t want to live and I’ve ended up cutting myself again, after months of not cutting.
The voices in my head are saying “the cuts are wimpy. They’re not proper cuts, they are just scratches” and “You have sleeping tablets by the side of your bed and a load of unused antidepressants around the room. You could take them. Everybody is out tomorrow. No one will know.” Except i know everyone is out, but i also know ny brother is off school, has special needs and I couldn’t do that to him. He will come upstairs around lunch time to ask for some lunch and find me overdosed and cut up and he wouldn’t know what to do. So right now, although I find it annoying as I usually have to plan stuff to fit with making sure he isn’t alone for too long, I’m kinda glad to have him as a brother because he is preventing me from doing any serious harm to myself.
Today’s 3 Positives:
1) I watched Arthur Christmas for the first time (have a soft spot for Xmas films)
2) I had a relaxing bath
3) The love I have for my brother has stopped be seriously hurting myself
Today’s Score: 0/5
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