Do you ever feel a breakdown brewing inside you? I think I do, right now actually.
Wednesday, I have a job interview. Also Wednesday would be Coral’s 22nd birthday. I’m confused in whether or not I believe in stuff like good or bad signs. I told my sister just and she said “you either get the job or you don’t. It’s not based on someones birthday.” and now I am feeling a little confused at my thoughts RE it being the same day.
Then, being home and away from Norfolk, I’ve had time to think. I thought about memories with Coral a lot and came up with a conclusion; You don’t move on from losing someone, just learn to live with the memories. I then had to add ‘happy memories’ because just ‘memories’ means the good andthe bad.
Then, I thought of C. Why did I even fucking lie to her? When you think of friendships, more than likely, you are friends because you have something in common. This was why I lied. I thought if I had something in common, shewould befriend me. It worked. And I remember her kindness and affection and I didn’t want to lose that. There were times I tried to stop telling lies, but I got scared of losing her. Lying was easier than losing her. She made me feel like it was just me and her, that I didn’t even need anyone else.
And now, all I see is a person who has turned into a monster to destroy me. I don’t see that kindness anymore. I know it’s because of what I did, but the person I knew back then was sympathetic. She wouldn’t have dragged this on so long. I don’t know what to expect.
I hate this. I feel my chest tightening and the tears threatening to pour out. I want my life back. I say things, on here when I’m wound up. I’ve been told there’s nothing wrong with it, I’m not lying about anything and it’s all “freedom of speech”. A lot of the time, I regret it when I calm down, and delete the posts but I also know that anything I say, C threatens to go to the police. That scares me. I get scared if I see or hear a police car, even if I’m miles away from home it scares me. I just want my life back. I’m broken.
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