Body issues

England has had the best few days of sun and heat ever, even with thunderstorms!

However, with this you get skinny, tanned, tall girls wearing shorts and crop tops and showing as much flesh as legally possible.

Then there’s me. I’m not huge. I know the average dress size is larger than what I am, but I have always felt fat. Even in the last couple of months, I have lost weight, but I feel fat. I was on antidepressants that made me feel hungry all the time and put on weight. They got changed, and with exercise and a loss of apetite I began to lose weight again – but still have that little jelly belly/muffin top thing if you lose weight and don’t tone up. I also have scars on my arms, legs and tummy and (embarrassingly) stretch marks. I am so very self conscious about the way I look. Oh, and I also have really fat legs. Like no matter whether I put on or lose weight or drop sizes, my legs are just massive. So I see these girls with perfect bodies, I google size 0 models and I get jealous and hate myself even more.

Last night, I bought a new bikini for my holiday (Then realised it won’t get used as my holiday is in Wales, in October – not exactly bikini weather!!). Today, I have tried on my bikini, then got too lazy to change so put on a skirt and chilled like that.

I’ve spent the day in my room, after about 4 weeks of chronic insomnia and I have no energy. I have just gone downstairs for a drink and my Dad started to laugh.

‘Oh god, it doesn’t suit me. I look fat. It’s because I had a chicken burger and chips this afternoon. I’m a horrible person. You fat cow go and cover up!’

Those were my thoughts. But then he said “You can’t come down like that. You’re so pale. Go outside in the sun”

He’s right, I am pale. That is why I don’t sit in the sun. I just burn, even with a factor 50 sun block!

It sucks to be me! So new aim of life: size 0, thigh gap and a tan!

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