Yesterday (Fri 11th July), I returned to therapy. 

When I had my assessment back in April, I got told I would be referred to the guy I saw last year, Rob but when I received my letter, The name on the letter was different and I was so nervous.

I got to the place 20 minutes early, booked myself in with the receptionist and sat in the waiting room, nervous and listening to the radio; which, may I had had to be the worst radio show to have on in a mental health place. I have been in there before and they played a song with the lyrics “Suicide is painless”, then yesterday, they were talking about over-weight people, and speaking to people on the phone. One guy was telling his story of an emotional breakdown and suicide attempt – must say it was very triggering listening to how he felt hopeless and all my self-negativity flooded into my brain and I felt the same. Then, the radio presenter questioned the listeners “Do you need weight loss surgery?”. I have also had issues with eating and my weight, and when this was asked, the voices in my head started yelling “YES YOU DO! YOU FAT BITCH!!”. 

So yes, the waiting room experience didn’t exactly calm me down or prepare me for my appointment with my new therapist, who I shall call A. Also, the Trichotilliomania kicked in and I must have pulled about a dozen strands of hair or more in that 20 minutes.

A came downstairs, went into the reception (that area is behind a window and locked door). He saw me, asked if I was Jade then said he would be a couple of minutes. I felt sick. This was it. I could either run out there now or stay and do this and get the help I so desperately need. I stayed.

A came back and led us upstairs to a room. He gave me a questionnaire, then told me he had run late with his last client, had to get my file and would be 5 mins. It wasn’t exactly a great start and I didn’t really have the best first impression with him.

But then we started chatting and he was really nice. I told him as much as I could, but then said something that probably offended him. I told him that I was actually expecting to see Rob and that I hadn’t been looking forward to the appointment. I told him about what happened with Steph, Rob and me last time, and A has asked me to take my recovery plan on my next session so he can see what Rob and I did, and if we can work with it. 

Overall, the session was quite good and it went quite fast – which I am assuming is a good thing; it means there was no awkward long silences. 

After the hour, we went back down to the reception to book our next appointment. In the reception, Steph was there and I kind of felt awkward, like I had betrayed her by seeing someone else – even though who I see is out of my control. We said “Hi” then she went back upstairs.Then Rob came down and that felt just as bad, but he opened the window and chatted quite a bit and asked how I am ect. I then told him that we would be looking at the plan that he gave me in our next session and he joked and told me not to give A all my work because he will copy it. 

A doesn’t have any appointments for 4 weeks and so I don’t see him again until August, which kinda sucks, but then after that it should be every fortnight. However, if I am still feeling this suicidal still. I might as for weekly sessions. The only downside is that you only get a maximum of 12 session, but A is aiming to “be done and on the right track” by 8! That’s quite scary 😦 there’s no way in hell my brain is gonna be sorted after 8 sessions!


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