I can’t pretend



I’ve tried so hard to move on, to forget things and I was doing okay. A lot of last year was spent worrying about court, about dealing with losing friends and my career, all because I made a stupid mistake. I became suicidal and found myself selfharming a lot (usually 2-3 times a week I would have my blade out, cutting my arms or legs). I went to counselling, at first seeing a counsellor called Steph who was great to talk to but I was stuck and couldn’t stop cutting so she referred me to a therapist called Rob and the 3 of us worked together. After the sessions with Rob ended, I was fine for a while and coping seemed easier.

In March time this year, things went downhill again. The woman who sent me to court, C was/is still blaming me for anything that goes wrong in her life, 2 years after I first contacted her. She started messaging my friends on Facebook and Twitter and just won’t ever leave me alone. What I did to her was wrong in so many ways, but the courts have punished me. She however, isn’t happy and still wants to destroy my life. She’s writing a book. Apparently it isn’t to harm or hurt me, but to warn others that the internet isn’t safe. I’m sure she can do that without naming me and telling my FB friends about what I did! So I don’t believe that. I believe she isn’t happy that she didn’t get exactly what she wanted and has turned like a spoilt child and wants to destroy me. Every Sunday, something seems to happen and she writes a blog post about me. My mum comes home and tells me, I sit there and say “I don’t wanna know, I don’t care” then go to my bedroom, hide under the covers and read it myself.

Well, C is getting her way. C is destroying me. Everyday, I struggle to get out of bed. Everyday, I think that killing myself is the best way for everyone. Everyday, I am fighting with myself not to get out my blade and start cutting again. In April, I went to my Doctor and after weeks of really suffering, I have finally got my appointment to return to counselling.

I’m sick of pretending I am happy. I’m not happy. I am dead inside and not sure how long I can stay alive for.

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

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7 thoughts on “I can’t pretend

  1. Hello Jade, I just stumbled upon your blog. This is the first entry I have read, but I want you to know that recovery of any kind takes time and patience. It also takes constantly counteracting the negative self-talk. I know it’s exhausting, I know it seems endless, but you are worth living for. If you really feel like you might take your own life, I strongly recommend a help line. There is help, and even if it hasn’t always been the best fit for you, I know that amazing help is out there. Keep looking, keep searching, don’t give up. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

    • Thank you 🙂 Therapy with Steph and Rob helped last time, but I have been allocated to someone different this time and I am so nervous about it. S and R know everything and it’s gonna be tough going through everything again.

      Thank you for your comment though, it’s a bit of a lift

  2. Please hang in there, just sharing is healing and I commend you for being so brave in doing so. It has been my experience, that when life is at its darkest, it is best to not avoid it, just move through it, and thats what it seems you are in the process of. Just keep taking the baby steps and deep breaths! ❤

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