I’ve tried so hard to move on, to forget things and I was doing okay. A lot of last year was spent worrying about court, about dealing with losing friends and my career, all because I made a stupid mistake. I became suicidal and found myself selfharming a lot (usually 2-3 times a week I would have my blade out, cutting my arms or legs). I went to counselling, at first seeing a counsellor called Steph who was great to talk to but I was stuck and couldn’t stop cutting so she referred me to a therapist called Rob and the 3 of us worked together. After the sessions with Rob ended, I was fine for a while and coping seemed easier.
In March time this year, things went downhill again. The woman who sent me to court, C was/is still blaming me for anything that goes wrong in her life, 2 years after I first contacted her. She started messaging my friends on Facebook and Twitter and just won’t ever leave me alone. What I did to her was wrong in so many ways, but the courts have punished me. She however, isn’t happy and still wants to destroy my life. She’s writing a book. Apparently it isn’t to harm or hurt me, but to warn others that the internet isn’t safe. I’m sure she can do that without naming me and telling my FB friends about what I did! So I don’t believe that. I believe she isn’t happy that she didn’t get exactly what she wanted and has turned like a spoilt child and wants to destroy me. Every Sunday, something seems to happen and she writes a blog post about me. My mum comes home and tells me, I sit there and say “I don’t wanna know, I don’t care” then go to my bedroom, hide under the covers and read it myself.
Well, C is getting her way. C is destroying me. Everyday, I struggle to get out of bed. Everyday, I think that killing myself is the best way for everyone. Everyday, I am fighting with myself not to get out my blade and start cutting again. In April, I went to my Doctor and after weeks of really suffering, I have finally got my appointment to return to counselling.
I’m sick of pretending I am happy. I’m not happy. I am dead inside and not sure how long I can stay alive for.
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