I’ve done enough moaning on here, facebook and twitter, and to friends ect that the NHS are crap and that no one has listened to me…. blah blah blah.
Well, after almost a fortnight of little to no sleep, I went to the Doctors. I explained how my sleep has deteriorated again and that the lack of sleep was making me feel crap again and she helped in a way. Since ending counselling with Steph and Rob, I haven’t had anyone physically here with me, to talk to. I mean I have my friends B and N but that’s just texting as they don’t live in my town (How selfish of them :p) and I have my other friend N, she’s here, but she has her own stuff going on and I can’t talk to her. So, I’ve started to feel quite lonely again, and quite honestly, I am fighting so hard no to find someone online who I can talk to. Lonliness was what caused me to message C in the first place, at the time, I didn’t see I was causing her so much pain, and was focused solely on getting someone to listen to me. I had no idea I could get in trouble for it. But now I do, and I so badly need someone to listen to me right now, I could easily message someone, I wouldn’t lie again, but I could message a person and tell them how crap I’m feeling. But I won’t. It might sound like a huge achievement, but to me I’m scared. I am a lot stronger though, and have coping methods that I am putting into practice. It is just talking a while to see results.
Anyways, I went to the doctor, she said something I already knew, I need to open up to people more. But she has also reverted on monthly visits and put me back to fortnightly visits to make sure I don’t become too low again, and she said that if I’m still feeling crap when I go back in 2 weeks, we will discuss being referred back to Emotional Wellbeing (the service I was with).
Emotional Wellbeing have been great for me; they helped me a lot. I just really hope I don’t have to be referred again so soon. I had my last appointment in February and it would just be quite embarrassing to go back so soon and admit I’m not coping that well. So, I have 2 weeks to pick myself up.
Today though, I tried with the whole ‘picking myself up’ stuff. I took my dog for a walk, ate healthily and exercised, plus had a really fun chat with my friend S from Canada. However, whilst walking my dog, I just felt really low. The moment we hit the field, I wanted to go back home and curl up in bed. But, I continued walking, not the route I planned, but a shorter one that lasted 20 minutes. Then, walking back, Diva (dog) decided to stop every couple of meters. Diva is an Akita and is hard to move, so I had to stop too. It’s really bad but I got so frustrated. I just wanted to go home and I yelled at her 😥 (I made up for it at home by giving her some treats and half a chicken that I cooked for my lunch). I still felt awful though and it’s scaring me how extreme my moods are. I’m either really happy, really down or really angry. I’m never ok or good, they are extreme and I don’t know why.. :s