Are you ever 100% happy?

Well, lately my blogs have been happy. Life seems to have improved quite a bit.

However, the last few days, I’ve gone down a little.  My sleep has deteriorated a lot and has again, become somewhat nonexistent.  My counselling/therapy ended and my medication has been lowered.

I was on 30mg of Mirtazepine but it was making me too tired/sleepy and I struggled to wake up. So I then went half way between 15 & 30mg and took 1 and a half of 15mg = 22.5mg. That seemed to be going okay. Then, I ordered a repeat prescription. My doctor forgot to change the repeat to the 15 1/2 dose, and I ended up getting 30mg again. I really didn’t want to go the the Doctor’s again, I had been the day before RE a sore throat and just felt like I was being a pain. Instead, I just cut the 30mg in half and started taking 15mg again. I felt good for the 1st 2-3 weeks of taking 15mg. To me, that was positive, I was coping better. I had come to a decision to write my side of the story and ignore anything C was posting, so I stopped checking her blog. It had done me the world of good, and I was feeling good about life. I’m still not checking it out. She only repeats herself anyway, and my thoughts are that she’s not over her own childhood and is still angry about that, so is taking all her anger out at me. I also believe if she was over all of that, she would see my wrongdoing the way a therapist would, and not be so judgemental towards me. So, reading her stuff was getting me down, cut tht out and I was cheering up.

Now, the not sleeping and low mood could be down to the change of dosage, but man I feel crap. I’m really not sleeping well, and and so tired and have no energy again. I’m getting no motivation to do anything again, and need to snap out of it. I have turned to my recovery action plan, and it helps me for a few hours but then I go back to feeling really bad. I have braved a phone call to the doctors, and have an appointment on Tuesday.

I really hope she doesn’t up my dosage again though. Months of taking 30mg of Mirtazepine made me put on a hell of a lot of weight, and just 3-4 weeks of going back down to 15mg and I’ve lost just over half a stone (9ibs to be precise). So, I really don’t want to be putting weight back on. 

I’ve decided, I need to plan my days again, to pull me out of this slum and make sure my days are filled, following my daily maintenance plan. In this plan, I have a list of 6 things, to follow each day. So, although they can be done at any time of the day, I am going to set a time for each thing, to make sure I am following it.

I have until Tuesday to prove to not only the doctor, but myself, that I don’t need a higher dose of medication. I need to believe I can do this (life) on my own and with help from my friends. 

Okay, so there is one issue that I need help with, but other than that, I need to stop relying on professionals to help me. And once that issue is solved, then I’m sure things will get better anyways.

And a bonus, I have still managed to not cut or harm. The hair-pulling is still an issue. I find myself pulling out my hair a lot again, now that my sleep is really disturbed, I’m tired and agitated and keep forgetting about my Neocube, but the moment I pick it up, I stop pulling out my hair.


I can do this!


4 thoughts on “Are you ever 100% happy?

  1. You are right about C and her issues and that she should as a trained counseller understand that you needed help
    Now she’s making money out of the fact, she got scammed and she hates not being in control
    Coming from someone who knows
    Chin up

  2. Whilst you’re very right to say you want to do this alone, just bear in mind that asking for help occasionally is a strong thing to do as well. I gave up with meds because I was still suicidal on them, and I decided I wanted to manage my depression through actions and not chemicals. I completely support you in that regard! x

    • Yeah.. that’s mainly what I meant and also I become reliant on other people helping me and need to at least see if i can help myself, in the ways of following my plan, and following advise before calling up Steph or Rob because 1 day, they may not be there

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