I’m actually fed up of living and living in this house, with my family. They do nothing at all to help with my mental wellbeing – even if I think I’m doing ok, they still find ways to bring me down.
Tonight, it’s my sister. First, I’d like to note that I’m not well; I have such a horrid cold and sore throat (which I went Drs about yesterday and she gave me a spray to help soothe the soreness in my throat). Tonight, after dinner, my sister came up to bed. Then about an hour later, I text her (lazy I know), to ask her to put my towels on the radiator for me as I was going to come up shortly for a bath – hoping to help with the cold. She replied that she had a headache and wanted the bedroom light off. [Another note, anytime I turn the bedroom light on, she complains that she has a headache!!]. I told her that she should take a paracetamol and go to the Doctors if she keeps getting headaches all the time. Then she turned it personal. “I’m not a pill-popper like you” (Apparently I’m a pill-popper because I take antidepressants, have been given spray for my throat, and a while ago, when I first started taking my antidepressants, i would get a side effect of massive stomach cramps whenever I ate, so for a while I had to take a tablet before every meal, which I haven’t even taken for over a month now!!). I didn’t reply to that, but simply said, as the light is a dimmer light (you can change the brightness), “Well, I’m gonna have to turn the light on to see. I’ll put it dimmed so that it’s not too bright.” But no, she took it a step further, to get her way again, and took out the lightbulb!!
I really don’t want an argument, and wrongly assume that once I had my bath, she would have calmed down and put the bulb back in. As I was getting ready for my bath, I just burst out crying, over a friggin lightbulb! I can’t understand why she’s always against me. Whenever she is in a bad mood, it’s me she picks a fight with, and today, I just wasn’t in the right place for an argument. I cried because she had actually taken out the lightbulb. Rather pathetic, but there you go. I locked the bathroom, played my music and who decides to re-surface? My Voices.
“Drown yourself. You could easily do it before anybody notices. Nobody wants you hear anyway. Drown yourself. Get a razor, slice your wrists and drown. What have you got to live for anyway?”
I didn’t grab a razor, made myself not even shave my legs ect (Sorry TMI). I just didn’t trust myself with a razor at that moment. I just lay in the bath, closed my eyes and almost dozed off. It was relaxing, but after 45 minutes, the water started to cool and so I got out, dried and went to my/our bedroom.
“Can you please put the light back in?”
Right, two can play at that game. I made as much noise as possible, rooting around for the hairdryer, then drying my hair longer than I needed to. Just to disturb her. Hasn’t helped, but she wouldn’t have replace the lightbulb anyway. Still 2 hours later, I’m sat with a book-light, on my laptop trying to do something to relax me, make me happy. The lack of light, and sitting at the laptop in the dark is now giving me a headache. I’m not ready to go to sleep right now. And I don’t fancy going downstairs, where my mum is drunk. I don’t know what to do. I feel like crying again!
I really can’t cope living here. It’s driving me mad each day. Counselling having given me 3 months, where I can go in, say I need to get away, and they can refer me to a 3 night stay at a house. I haven’t even been out of counselling a week, and I don’t want to go there and say “I’m feeling suicidal, I need a break because my sister removed a lightbulb.” It’s rather stupid, and I know I’ll probably be taking someones spot who needs it more than I do. Plus, I have got myself a job, awaiting for a start date and I can’t exactly say “Sorry, I can’t come in for a couple of days as I’m away.” When I haven’t even been given my first shift yet.