I hurt, deep inside

I’ve woken up this morning feeling really low and hurting so much.

Yesterday, my sister had a call to say she had got a job. I was really happy for her. However, I felt a little jealous and sad. I’ve been out of work for a year now, and although I’m volunteering, I’m fed up of being poor and not having any money. Is it wrong that I feel so jealous? I mean, I look daily and my sister only looked for jobs when she can be bothered. I don’t think it’s fair.

The second thing that is wrong today is, I’m really missing Coral. She died at the end of November and I’m still replaying the phone call from her mum in my head. I’m still replaying her funeral in my head. I hate myself, we had the chance to say something, or give the vicar something to read out (I didn’t know about being able to get the vicar to read something or I would have). But, I hate speaking in public and I couldn’t bring myself to say something. I wish I had. She had something from her grandparents, her best friend from Norfolk but she moved there as a teenager, I think it would have been nice to say something about growing up with her – I knew Coral before we could even talk! So memories are hurting me this morning. It physically hurts in my chest.

I’ve only felt that feeling before. When I was 18. It’s a horrible thing, and it’s also not something anybody knows. I’ve told 3 people: Steph my counsellor, Louise because Steph said I shouldn’t have to deal with it alone and my friend B. And it’s on my medical records but my family don’t know. But that hurts too.

I don’t know why today is full of memories but it hurts physically and emotionally.

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

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