Tonight, I was dying my friends hair; it was 7pm and so I wasn’t expecting a phone call. But, the call came:
“Hello, this is G from Emotional Wellbeing. I’m just ringing to say Steph is unable to take your appointment tomorrow. We will have to rearrange if that’s okay?”
“Yeah that’s fine” I replied, and ended the call. But actually, no it’s not okay. I had 4 remaining appointments with Steph and Rob, the 1st was cut short because I was double booked, the 2nd was okay, and the 3rd has been cancelled 3 times. After the first 2 cancellations, an appointment with both was tricky to get this side of Xmas, so I agreed to see just Steph in the meantime to keep me sane. That appointment was for tomorrow (18 December). On Sunday, I was really low and self-hating; I wanted to kill myself, but waited because of the funeral on Monday and seeing Steph on Wednesday. So, to get this call tonight has messed me up.
3 cancellations is not a coincidence! They just don’t want to see me anymore! All I fucking want is my last 2 appointments. I kind of thought that today, I would talk about Coral’s death and funeral and offload about it.
What’s the actual fucking point in carrying on anymore. Nobody cares about me, not properly. I just drive people away, and do stupid things (like I did to Cassie) and I cause people to hate me. I don’t want to live anymore. There’s no point in me living. I’m just a horrible person unworthy of life!
I’m not taking my antidepressant tonight, or ever again. I dont care if I don’t sleep or I get worse. Nobody else does, so why should I care?!
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