I’m just feeling really emotional today. Firstly, I woke dreading tomorrow’s funeral and then soon after waking, I received the message from J and that messed my mind and heart up completely. I answered him, which gave the voices a lot of fuel to insult me. I’m useless, I let everyone walk over me, I’m a slut, I’m weak…. the list continues!
Also today, adding to my sensitivity, my dad is in a really bad mood. He keeps yelling at me at anything I do. We had sunday lunch, and a rule in our house is you was your own things up. My brother finished eating before me and said “come on Jade, go wash up” I thought, Ok, I’ll wash his up. Then my dad asked if I was gonna do his too. I told him to leave it in the kitchen and I’d do it in a minute. He moaned, “nobody ever does anything for me. I do it for everyone else, and no one does it for me. I’ll do it myself”. What did he expect me to do, I’m a slow eater, was I meant to just leave my lunch whilst I washed up?! I still washed by brother’s plate so it wasn’t like I wasn’t going to do it. Then, I came on the laptop, which is my brothers, mine is broken and off to be fixed. He said “Don’t go on that” then complained when I plugged the charger in, because of the Christmas lights. Seriously this house puts Blackpool illuminations to shame at Christmas, it’s ridiculous!
My sister has gone to bed, yet again. Before I decided to go on antidepressants, I would find myself needing to sleep in the day, and not sleeping at night. I got yelled at left, right and centre about it. My sister is going to bed in the day, and staying up most of the night. It’s not because she can’t sleep, she stays up on her phone a lot, some of it I think is not being able to sleep, but if she went to bed at a decent time, coming off her phone, and stopped going to bed in the day, she wouldn’t feel so tired! I had reasons for the sleep problem. I wasn’t sleeping, memories and thoughts haunted me before going to bed and I just couldn’t settle my mind. The falling asleep in the day was from pure exhaustion. It drives me mad that nobody ever says anything to her.
I’ve yet to write in a card for Coral. My mum has done one from the family, but I sorted a card out for everyone from primary school to sign. I got a few people to sign it, but haven’t got as many as I would have liked. I haven’t spoken to many from primary school for years, but sharing this loos has got me talking to a girl, R, and she reminded me that I should write in the card too. I’ve been putting it off and I don’t know what to write. It’s so hard.