Today has been awful to say the least.
I’ve spent the evening in my room, I had a bath to calm down and it worked. I then decided to go downstairs and join my ‘family’, watch telly and chill – a bit of a silent peacemaker.
I made myself a drink and had a look in the TV guide to see what was on. As soon as I put the mag down, my dad started yelling at me about the fight between me and my sister. Our house is small, and you can always hear anything that goes on, even from upstairs. I hadn’t heard my Dad say anything to my sister at all, so i stated that she was the one that started it all because I turned the light on in our bedroom. He started really yelling. I stood there allowing it, then when he was done I made my way back to my bedroom. I burst into tears, self harm and suicide ran through my head, for the 3rd time today and I went into a small panic attack. I text B, still crying my eyes out and attempting to control my breathing. I heard my family downstairs laughing and joking. And it hit me that I always hear that when I’m in my room. Whenever I’m with them, there is an argument – not necessarily involving me, but an argument of some sort. I am never around when there is laughter within the house.
Over a year ago now, when moments like this happened, I would try and speak to C – even if that meant lying. All I wanted was to speak to someone and to hear the words “I love you” and C did that. Tonight, I really wanted to ring her. I wanted to hear her voice and to be told that I’m loved. I ended up questioning why I lied to her. I know it was to speak to her, but now I’m questioning why I lied so horribly. I could have said I read her book, and that her loneliness hit home to me and she still would have probably answered. She was/is kind like that. But I doubt we would have been close enough to get the phone calls saying she loved me. I don’t know. I just wish I hadn’t of lied so much for her to hate me now.
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