Well, I’ve tried to create a new life for myself. C named me, said where I live and everything. Ever since I’ve ha a couple messages, so my ‘new life’ got put on hold and I’ve allowed my depression to sink lower. Within a week, I’ve had 2 suicide attempts and my arm is looking a bit messy.
Saturday night (2/11/13) I had a massive arguement with my Mum and Dad, they went out, but I was angry and needed ‘Me Time’. I went to my bedroom and must have cried about 3/4 times in an hour. I wanted to cut, and die and I just couldn’t cope anymore. I rung Samaritans, and they kind of helped, but I was such a mess, they couldn’t quite understand me, they promised to ring me back the following Sunday, but they never did.
Sunday night (3/11/13) I was Ok, it had been an Ok day. But 6pm came, my Mum came home drunk, again and started moaning. I couldn’t cope. It brought my OK mood down quite a lot and I lost it. Everything came flooding out of me and I told her exactly how low I was feeling, and the following argument/conversation happened:
Mum “At least I don’t need happy pills to make me feel better”
Me “no, you just get p*ssed every night”
Mum “no i don’t. You just sit there and take your pills thinking they will help you”
Me “Well if I had a decent mother who cared and helped me, I wouldn’t need them” (It sounds harsh, I didn’t mean she made me go on them, I meant that I wantde her to help me more)
Mum “Don’t you dare put this on me. It’s her [C] that put you on them not me”
I then went to my room, and cut. I really am struggling right now.
It’s not C’s fault this is happening. It is mine and I know that. C just stopped me from doing what I did. Her reporting me has made me lose my job etc. But it all boils down to me sending that first email. Okay, I did it beause I felt low, lonely and needed someone, but I knew better than to lie. I should’ve just asked for help with what it was that was making me low rather than thinking I had to make things up to get someone to listen. I know that now.
I’ve started writing a book. It’s not about whats happened. I’m not going to go down that route. It is about a girl who had a good, happy ‘perfect’ life until one day, things start to go downhill. She falls into a depression, falls into a life of drinking, self harm etc and can’t get out. The basis of it is to help those who don’t suffer, understand more about the thoughts etc, and to those who do suffer, know there is help, there are people who will listen, and there is a way out of the darkness.
A lot of my own self harm/suicidal thoughts and feelings are in this story, but it is fiction. An intro and Chapter 1 is complete 😀 A few friends have read it and say it’s really good. Although, I think they are just biased. So, I’m asking a writer, or anyone unbiased, is there anyone who wants to read what I have so far and review it for me please?? comment if you are interested.