I’m so fed up of family life. They’re irritating me so much right now, and I don’t know if it’s the change of tablets that’s making me feel worse, them, or me????
I’m trying to be more open with my Mum, but each time I do, it’s”the antidepressants” that are making me crap. I “need to come off them, they don’t work, they are just the doctors answer to everything”. She has no idea how low I actually am, that I self harm, that I’m suicidal. She has no idea, and I wish I could tell her, but each time I brig anything up, she blames C, or the antidepressants and we get into a massive argument, that it’s no ones fault but mine. But, she likes to argue, and so creates one by pushing all my buttons. Last night, it got to the point where I just emptied half of my tablets into the bin. My friend was here, and she stopped me. I just want to please my mum, but I can’t.
Next Saturday, we’re having a Halloween party and for the 1st time, my Dad has actually bought pumpkins. He asked my sister to cut them, and she said she didn’t want to. I’m a big kid, and said “oh I wanna do it!”. But he replied, “She’s the arty one, she can do it”. Wow thanks, am I really not good enough to cut eyes and a friggin mouth into a pumpkin?!
They always make me feel like shit. I’m not sure whether it is unintentional or not, but they do.
I came up to my room, light on so that I wouldn’t find myself falling asleep, but ny sister comes up and turns it off. There’s no point in turning it back on, because that will just create an argument. I seem to be the reason for most arguments in thus house. They all still together. And again, I’m not sure whether it’s just me being dramatic or what??
I’m so suicidal right now. I have emailed Samaritans. I just don’t see any point in carrying on anymore. I feel like I’m in a dark hole and there’s no way out.
My voices are telling me there’s no way out. They also say it’s gonna just get worse, if I dont end it now.