If I Go, I’ll Die Happy Tonight

It may not be a summertime sadness anymore, butas theseasons change, my moods don’t. So therefore, I am now in an Autumn Sadness.

My depression just keeps getting worse. I am constantly feeling low, thinking about self harm or suicide. I just don’t care anymore 😦 it has got to the point where cutting is just second nature when I’m not feeling good. Last week, I cut whilst in the living room at my friends house. Today, my friend had counselling, and asi was waiting for her, I cut; I was in the waiting room, and I had the urge to just burst into tears, I didn’t wanna do that in public, so I got out my blade and cut. Quite annoyingly, I hadn’t exactly timed it right. 5 minutes after, still bleeding,my friend came out of her appointment, saw it, and asked reception if we could talk to Steph.

Louise, my friend, took my blades off me and gave them to Steph. Then L had a phone call, so left the room, and S went to speak to her manager. Whilst alone, I just burst into tears, luckily I stopped before they came back. When S got back, she told me she is gonna ring crisis again because she doesn’t think it’s right they’re leaving my appointment for another 2 weeks, when I desperately need someone on call. She also was firm about the cutting in reception. She said it can’t happen again, and if I feel like that, to tell reception and they will bring someone down.

I feel completely lost, and pissed off without my blade. I just want to die. I can’t stop my addiction just like that. I’m seriously pissed at my friend that she took them off me. You just don’t do that. I feel like I’m going cold turkey. I have nothing I can harm myself with, so everything on my mind right now is all about finding ways. I’ve anxiously scratched my legs red raw, and that’s hard considering I’m a nail-biter, and have no nails!

When will things get better? Everyone says it will, but I don’t see how it will. Ever since I found out about C writing this book, I have got worse, and I know when it’s out, things are just going to get worse. So really, honestly, what is there to live for??????

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