So, it’s Sunday again and my Mum is drunk, again! I expected her to be her usual drunk self, but tonight she has really annoyed and upset me.
I just happened to mention I have to go doctors tomorrow morning, and she asked if it was for my antidepressant tablets, so I said yes. Her response is just completely shocking:
“You need to start coming off them, Jade. You just need to PERK UP. If you’re as strong as me, you don’t need them”
I just felt like yelling back that I am nothing like her; I’m not strong and I can’t cope. And I think that if she wasn’t drunk, and likely to keep up the awkward conversation, I would have said a bit more of what I really wanted to say.
It has just really upset me. How am I supposed to perk up? Someone is writing a book about me, and my life is fucked at the moment, so perking up is hard. To be honest, I don’t think these tablets are working but I can speak to the doctor about that.
Ive come up to bed quite early, to get away from her and to calm down. But instead, I burst into tears and felt like I was breaking down. Suicide is, yet again, at the top of my mind right now. I got myself a drink, with the thoughts of maybe needing it to take tablets, and I basically want to completely savage my arms up.