I’ve been thinking about whether to post this update or not for the last few days; I had been warned about posting personal things on here because of what’s happening right now. But really, I fucked up my life, and to be honest, it can’t really get any worse. (She says hopefully)
I go to probation, to help prevent me doing anything like what I did again; quite honestly the arrest and court were quite enough to scare 10 bells out of me and punish me. The fine, probation and restraining order were another punishment; and then there is the emotional stuff- the guilt, depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, insomnia.. They’re all my own personal punishments. But hey, apparently that isn’t enough, I also lost my job and my dream career (adding to the depression), I used to coach and participate in cheerleading, but I can’t even do that now either. Yup, totally fucked up my life.
Still, that isn’t enough punishment…
To top off my perfect life, C is writing a book, and naming me! I’ve known for a couple of weeks, spoke to solicitors and it’s all legal. I can’t do anything about it. So, since I found out, my anxiety doubled wondering if she’s already told people my name. I’m actually scared to leave the house. I’m also suicidal 99% of the time. So life is just a great laugh!
Okay, I put C through hell, and I deserve to be punished. And how I’m feeling now, is probably how she felt when I made her feel scared. However, I did what I did because she made me feel loved and cared for. She’s writing this book to be spiteful, to get me back.
She apparently reads this blog, which is why I am supposedly meant to be careful; To be honest, I don’t care anymore. My life is fucked up, and why not give her more stuff to write about? She obviously wants to make money from me, the least I can do is help her along a bit.
The suicide thoughts have been constant now for a week, each day and I’ve begun making plans. Hopefully the doctor helps me, but I’m just not bothered about my life anymore.