I’m living in hell

I hate life right now.
What I did was wrong, and my first court appearance was published in a local paper; back in February. About 3 weeks ago, I received a death threat and since then my anxiety has more than doubled. Its got so bad that for the last 3 weeks, I’ve not been able to go anywhere alone.

Going counselling, or the group I’ve had to be taken and picked up. And the last 2 times at group, towards the end, I’ve panicked big time doubting there would be someone there waiting for me. Last week, I was asking Steph if she could ring reception and see if my friends mum was there and ended up dizzy and had to sit down.

I really don’t wanna live like this anymore. I’m terrified. All because of a thing in the paper in February.

Tomorrow, I have to go to group alone, and come home alone. I’m unsure if I can actually do that!

I’m back on sleeping tablets, though I’ve decided to only take them if I feel the need. I don’t want to take them daily like before (which I’ve recently learned you’re not meant to). I don’t want to become reliant on them, and I’m trying to get into a sleeping routine; but so far, if I don’t take them I’m laying awake till way after 4am. Then, I end up falling asleep in the afternoon which isn’t doing me any favours.

I’m so fed up of life now. The depression, anxiety, sleep issues, and having no job. The voice in my head tells me life is pointless, that I should die. I keep giving blades to Steph, but still always manage to cut! My will power argues with my voice and tells it things will get better. It’s the only thing keeping me half sane right now, but even that isn’t speaking up as much now.

Maybe I should just listen to the voice, give up trying to make things better. It is a pointless battle anyway. Maybe dying isn’t so bad?

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